Changes in your appearance can be hard to cope with. Talking to others might help.
Surgery involving your jaw, tongue, mouth, lips and throat might change the way you look. But even with big operations you might not have a great deal of scarring. And many scars fade and become very difficult to see.
Your surgeon aims to make scars in the creases already on your face or neck. If you need to have bone removed from your face, your surgeon will rebuild them and it may not look visible from the outside. They will use bone grafts from other parts of your body for this.
Scaring from lip surgery might be more difficult to hide. So if you have cancer in this area, it is likely you will have to cope with changes in the way you look. There might be quite a big change, but even a small change can have a big effect on how you see yourself.
If you have a hole in your neck to breathe through (a stoma) you might also feel very self conscious and find it hard to cope.
How you look is an important part of how you feel about yourself (self esteem). It can be very hard to accept sudden changes to the way you look. You might feel very angry, confused and upset. It might be useful to talk to someone close to you.
Going back to work, meeting new people or going to job interviews can all be difficult if you are trying to cope with changes to your appearance.
If you have children you might worry that their friends will see you and whether that will affect your children. It is natural to worry about this, but remember people close to you will not think of you differently as a person. They will want to support you as much as they can, so let them know how you are feeling. Talking to them might make you feel more supported and less isolated.
What you can do
There are lots of things you can try to help you cope with changes in your looks. These might not take away all the difficult emotions but can make things easier.
Talking to your surgeon before surgery
This is probably one of the most important things you can do. Even if you feel at the time that you don't want to know. It can help you cope with changes to your appearance later on if you know exactly what they are going to do, and how you will look. You will be very sore and swollen straight after surgery but this is temporary and is not how you will look forever.
Ask as many questions as you need to. Your surgeon and nurse specialist will be aware of how worried you are about possible changes in your appearance.
Talking to someone who has had a similar experience
Your surgeon or specialist nurse might be able to put you in touch with someone who has had a similar operation. Some people find this reassuring and informative. This is not the case for everyone. So don't feel like you have to do this.
Looking at yourself in the mirror
Your first reaction after surgery might be to avoid looking at yourself in the mirror. This is usual and it is completely up to you when you look at yourself.
It might be worth waiting a little while after the operation, until you feel awake and alert and you have recovered a bit.
Having a nurse with you the first time you look can be helpful. Even if you have thought about how you might look, it can still be a shock. Your face might be swollen and numb. You may also have to deal with seeing stitches and changes to the structure of your face. Having someone to answer your questions can be supportive.
Many people feel angry at first. You might feel that your doctor and specialist nurse have not prepared you for how you will look. It can feel hard to imagine that you will feel a little better as time goes on and the bruising and swelling improves.
Your family and friends may not know what to say to you. They won't want to make you anxious or to upset you. You may prefer to bring up the subject and let them know how you are feeling. It is a good idea to keep regularly looking at your face in the mirror.
Doing things in your own time
It is important to give yourself time to adjust to changes in your appearance. There will come a time when you will need to go out again. Going out will feel scary at first, and it might be tempting to keep putting it off. Telling your family and friends how you feel can help them to support you.
It might be helpful to go out the first time with someone you are very comfortable with. Try to be prepared for mixed reactions. People can react unexpectedly, especially if you don't know them well. Some people might be shocked and might not hide their shock. Others will be very at ease and make you feel comfortable very quickly.
You may feel that you can't do anything about others reactions. But if you feel at ease, they will be more likely to feel they can talk to you or look you in the eye. Children can be very honest and might ask direct questions. It can help to be prepared for this.
Don't feel that you have to explain to people if you do not want to. After all, it is your body and you don't have to tell people what has happened if you don't want to.
Talking to people close to you
The best support you are likely to get is from your close family and friends. You might feel at first that you don't want to share too much in case you upset other people. But if you do share your feelings, you might be surprised at how much it can help.
Try letting your partner know how you are feeling, if you are having problems with your intimate relationships because you feel that you are no longer attractive.
Camouflage make up
Camouflage make up can be very useful to cover scars or skin grafts that are different colours. There are lots of colours for all skin tones. You can get camouflage make up from your GP on prescription.
You can also try wearing hats or scarves to cover scars. It is best to experiment and do what makes you feel the most confident.
Some organisations can give you information about using camouflage make up. They can teach you how to apply it, and can advise you about the best products to buy.
These organisations include:
Getting help and support
There are a number of organisations and support groups that help people cope with changes in their physical appearance.