Difficult questions when you are dying

Asking questions

Probably the most common question is 'how long do I have' and 'what will happen'. No one can predict the future, but your doctor and nurses should be able to help with these questions to some extent.

You are likely to have many other questions for your medical staff and close friends and family. Some of these will also be very hard to answer. But it is very important to talk about your concerns. Even if you know there are no complete answers to these questions, you might still feel it’s important to ask.

How long have I got left to live?

People with cancer and their families often want to know how long a person is expected to live. Your doctor won’t be able to give you an exact answer. Everyone is different, and no one can say exactly how long you will live. But do ask if you feel you need to. You can explain that you don‘t expect them to be completely accurate, but you need to plan the time you have left.

Your doctor might be able to give you an estimated time, based on how long other people with your type and stage of cancer have lived. Remember that your doctor’s answer is an estimate. The actual time could be shorter or longer than they say.

It’s easier for doctors to estimate a likely time if they have been treating you for a while and know you well. The doctors and nurses you see regularly will know how things are going for you. It could be tough if your doctors tell you that you only have a very short time left (for example, weeks). You might have to make some serious decisions based on this information.

It might feel very strange if you live longer than your doctor estimates. Some people say they feel as though other people are waiting for them to die. It can help to talk this through with someone.

What will it be like when I am dying?

Dying from cancer is usually a process that happens a bit at a time.

Your body will get weaker and eventually start to shut down. This may happen over weeks and then days in the final stages.

Many people worry that they will be in pain or discomfort when they die. But your doctors and nurses will focus on keeping you comfortable and pain free.

Some people want to know who will be with them. And they want to know what will happen to their body once they die.

Other questions to think about when you are dying

You might have other questions. These questions could help you think about how you would like to be cared for during the final weeks of life. Or about what might happen after your death. 

It’s important to talk through these questions with your family and friends and the doctors and nurses looking after you. Then they will know your wishes and can care for you in the way you want.

• How will my family cope without me?

• What will happen to my children?

• Where will I be looked after?

• Will I be conscious at the end?

• What will happen at the very end?

• Where would you like to die – at home, in a hospice or somewhere else?

• Who would you like to be with you when you die?

• Is there anyone that you don’t want around?

• Are there any particular music, prayers, or things to have around you that you find comforting?

• Are there any types of treatment or care that you don’t want to have in the final days of life?

• Do you want to make a living will?

• Do you have any issues you would like to sort out with family or friends before you die?

• Are there any messages you would like to record or write to leave behind for your loved ones when you die?

• Do you have any religious or cultural practices you would like to be carried out before and after you die?

• Are there any specific wishes you have about your funeral?

• Do you want to be cremated or buried?

• Do you want to organise your funeral?

• Have you made a will or updated your existing one?

Don't be afraid to ask your healthcare team any questions you are worried about.

Read about the last few weeks and days of life