Supporting children when someone is dying
Your child’s questions can be heartbreaking to hear. But try to stay calm and answer them on the child’s level.
Try to be honest and open and to use words and images that the child can understand.
Children can ask questions that you and other adults might not otherwise talk about. But trying to find a way to answer these questions can give everyone in the family the chance to express their emotions.
You might find it helpful to:
ask the child what they think will happen
be as honest as you can, don’t be afraid to admit you don’t have an answer to a question
listen to what they have to say
tell them often how much you love them
reassure them that they won’t be left alone
Young children, in particular, need reassurance that their life will go on no matter what happens. They will still have their friends around to play, go to school and be able to do the everyday things that make life secure and stable for them.
Here are some questions your child might ask and suggestions for what you could say:
You can explain that doctors can usually make someone better when they are ill. But sometimes doctors can't.
People die when their body stops working. This might be because they have a very serious illness that has damaged their body, or have had a very serious accident. Or their body might be worn out because they are very old.
It is important that young children know that you can't do anything to bring someone back when they die.
It would help to acknowledge these fears, as they are very real for the child.
Explaining why someone has died can make them less scared. You can also explain that cancer is not caught. It can be important to say that not everyone dies from cancer.
Tell the child that most people die when their body stops working because they are old. Say that doctors can usually make a young person better when they are ill, and it is very unusual for a young person to die.
Children often feel guilty that somehow they might have caused the death. Reassure them that nothing they did or said made the person ill or die.
Explain to your child that it’s very important to you that they will be looked after. You can tell them who they will live with and who will be there for them.
There are organisations who provide help and support for parents and children. They have resources to help with talking to children about cancer and dying. There are also organisations for bereaved children.
This charity supports children and young people (up to the age of 25) when someone important to them has died or is not expected to live. It also supports parents and the wider family when a baby or child has died or is expected to die before their 26th birthday. The website provides online grief support and information, including videos and suggestions for books and other resources. You can talk to a trained bereavement specialist from Monday to Friday, 8am to 8pm.
Helpline: 0800 02 888 40
Email: ask@childbereavementuk.org
Visit the Child Bereavement UK website
This organisation provides resources for children who have a parent with cancer. The resources aim to help children understand about cancer and treatment. They include kits, books and other practical tools.
The Ruth Strauss Foundation raises awareness about the need for more research into non-smoking lung cancers. It also provides free guidance and support on how to prepare children (under the age of 25) when a parent or caregiver has an incurable cancer. The Family Support Service offers:
one to one virtual appointments with parents or caregivers to help them start open conversations with their children about their condition
emotional support, guidance and resources to use
peer support groups for teenagers, so they can meet people their own age who are also facing losing a parent or caregiver
support groups for parents or caregivers whose partner has incurable cancer
Email: familysupport@ruthstraussfoundation.com
Visit the Ruth Strauss Foundationwebsite
A dedicated online space for grieving teenagers and young adults (aged 13 to 25), powered by Child Bereavement UK. Talk Grief provides information to help you cope with grief as well as an online toolkit and live talks. You can read about the experiences of young people, including their advice and tips for coping with grief. Helpline: 0800 028 8840
Email: ask@childbereavementuk.org
Visit the Talk grief website
Marie Curie is a charity that has more information on all aspects of dying, death and bereavement. It includes information on questions children might ask when someone is dying.
Read more about questions children might ask about dying on the Marie Curie website
Last reviewed: 18 Dec 2024
Next review due: 18 Dec 2027
Preparing a child or teenager for a parent or loved ones death is very difficult. Get advice and support on ways to explain cancer and death to children of different ages.
Children of all ages will probably need a lot of support when someone close to them is dying. It can help to know what they might ask and need.
When someone is dying with cancer, they and their carers can get help and support. This information might help at a very emotional and difficult time.
Coping with cancer can be difficult. There is help and support available. Find out about the emotional, physical and practical effects of cancer and how to manage them.
