Oh Julie,

I send you a warm welcome to Cancer Chat and thank you for telling us your story Julie. Firstly I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mother for I know all too well what that's like, for I lost my mother to breast cancer which spread to her brain just under seven years ago.

But to hear that your husband is not supporting you must be even harder for you. For losing someone you love dearly is always a very traumatic time and now is the the time when you need all the support you can get and I feel so sorry for you. I know some men find great difficulty in talking about grief and I know sometimes men don't know what to say, but he could just give you a hug to show you he cares and understands how you are feeling. I hope you are able to resolve the problem between you. But until then Julie, people on here will do all we can to help and support you through this difficult time. Anytime you want to chat, please come back on here and I and others will respond I promise.

Please take care of yourself and let us know how you get on, kind regards Brian

Hi Jules23 (and namesake of mine)

Firstly may I say I am sorry for your loss and glad that you found the forum which I am sure will show you lots of support. Though I have no knowledge of the terrible cancer which caused your Mum's passing I can and do relate to your 'lack of communication' with your husband for I too have this frustration (as I call it).  I also lost my dad to cancer some 4 and a half years ago and watched a three month fight with life (his words) whilst my Mum (then 82) kept vigil.

My husband now has cancer of lung membrane which is incurable and has pallative care team though he is coping on painkillers quite well at present (recovering slowly from a short course of chemo). His whole family do not chat for the sake of it, just when they have something to say (pretty rare these days). I am so pleased you have close family siblings to support you (make sure you use them as you need that support as much as they need yours).  I have been married 35 yrs and we knew each other 5 years before than (first boyfriend syndrome). Would not exchange him for the world but still find it hard to cope with the silent treatment. He has always been quiet but now is withdrawn. I think this is his coping mechanism but you just cannot change someones personality. I am sure your husband would be devasted if he knew how much this is effecting you and in the end you might just have to say 'if we cant talk about it please can I just have a hug'.  Inside he is probably frightened of saying the wrong thing as he know you are suffering with the loss of your Mum and so many of us cannot cope with talking about death - am sure this is a British thing as when I visit friends in Europe it just seems part and parcel of their life. Different culture I suppose.

Anyway have rambled enough. Do come back on here when you need to get things out in the open and I am sure there are others on here who will be along to offer advice and may know more about the cancer side of things.  Take care Jules54

Hi Jules54

Thank you so much for your kind words of support, it has been is so tough, and i am so sorry to hear of your husbands illness too, it just makes things easier if it can be easier if we can all communicate but for some reason some people just cannot, I really feel for you cancer its such a wicked disease, its been 9 weeks now since we lost mum and i cant tell you how hard it is especially this time of year, you try so hard to carry on for your family but my goodness, some times i just dont want to get up but you have to, i keep thinking what mum would have wanted for us.  I sent my husband a long email yesterday and explained everything to him how i was feeling etc,  he did email back but seemed to be that he was feeling sorry for himself said that i've changed and not the person i used to be i dont quite know what he excpects......... its made me even more frustrated, I know i will have to make the effort else nothing will happen to break this cycle with him but i am too tired and not emotionally strong enough at the moment, so there is a lot of silences, like you we have been together a long time too, went to school together i was 14 him 15 we are both a couple of years off 50 and like you first boyfried syndrome.  i think you are right about the coping mechanism, mum's light went out in June after her Radiotherapy when she found out the full extent of her illness, that was the last time i can remember her as her old self, and i keep trying to think back to when she was happy but it is hard going.  Thinking of you both.

Bye for now

Julie

Hiya Jules

Weird, I feel like I am writing to myself!!  It must be very hard trying to cope with the

grief of your loss and and unsympathetic other half. At least by e-mailing him with your feelings he has no doubt about what you think. I am sorry it did not bring the right reaction for you but first and foremost you must look after yourself and continue your grieving process. I think that after so long with each other we become comfortable in the friendship and perhaps other feelings go on back burner but you hurting, frustrated, angry (lots of other words come to mind too).Now you have found the forum I hope you can rant, relieving the stresses you feel and begin to cope a day at a time.  This time of  year is hard for all those who have lost whether it be a new loss or a long held memory. I hope that in time you resolve your differences and move into a new (but maybe different) understanding of each others feelings. To a point I have now accepted that conversation is not spontaneous and my husbands comment was, you have two ears but only one mouth so its obvious you should listen more than you talk!!!! Am now convinced that us women just enjoy a good chat and men just do not understand us!!  Hope you havea better weekend and take comfort from the fact that other members of you family love and support you. Could your husband be jealous of your family's closeness? Years ago I felt this way about how close my husbands family were (I am an only child) but now I am very grateful to have an extended family.

Well, have  done a 3 mile round trip to Sainsburys (dont drive and love wallking) which has cleared the cobwebs and we have just finished breakfast so will settle down to watch Saturday Kitchen.

Take care  Jules54

Hello sandra22 and welcome to our forum.

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through with your recent health issues and with the situation at home, that can't be easy.

Have you considered speaking to someone that might be able to help you with sorting all of this in your mind? I think it is important not to face such a challenging time alone. 

We have some information on our website about the different types of counselling available and you can read more about them here.

I hope this helps and that you feel better soon.

Take care,

Renata, Cancer Chat Moderator