Hi there ..

Hi Anastasia,

How are you feeling about Christmas? What a fascinating question.

Christmas for me has always meant a time of family get-togethers, accompanied by an excess of eating. My family were nearly all farmers and great cooks and bakers, so we always enjoyed the food and home baking. There was also a present and a selection box. As a child, I was always too curious to wait until Christmas Day, so many of the presents arrived with little holes or failed Sellotape. Surprisingly, these were nearly always on my presents and not on those of my brothers.

As an adult, I always tried to make Christmas special for my own children. The only thought we ever gave to those less fortunate than ourselves was to give away some of our old toys to children of the local farm labourers, who were often bringing up families of up to 21 children on a meagre wage, in a single roomed cottage. My children are now adults and I am now a grandmother.

What does Christmas mean to me now? As I have aged, I have come to realise that there are many who dread this day, not just because of poverty, but because of isolation, homelessness, the loss of a loved one, drugs, alcohol, or of ill health – the list goes on to include those in institutions or homes, as well as many others. I have come to understand that it can be a very lonely and anxious time for many and now attempt to do what I can to remember and improve the lot of some of these people at this time of year.

Does this mean that I don’t enjoy Christmas as much as I once did? No, I enjoy it more than ever, as I get so much joy in spreading the real spirit of Christmas.

As a cancer patient, each Christmas that passes marks another year that I have survived and I am grateful for that, but my real joy is in seeing the faces of the different people I meet and, in knowing that the little I do gives them pleasure too.

May I wish all of my many friends on this forum, along with the moderators, nurses and all of the other workers who keep this site running, a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy and Healthy New Year?

No matter how bad things may look for you, can I suggest that if you give, then you shall receive?

I have left posting this until midnight, so that I can now ask if it was a Merry Christmas for you, irrespective of your cancer status? If your answer is no, then please try replying to some of the posts on this site throughout 2019. You will find this most fulfilling and most of us can manage to do this, irrespective of how tired or ill we are.

For those of us who cannot, our thoughts are with you and we are here to support you through your difficulties. Please remember that you are not alone. We are always here for you.

Kind regards and grateful thanks to all the staff who keep this site running,

Jolamine xx

What a lovely thoughtful message to start the day with Jolamine! Thank you for the kind words and for your Christmas and New Year wishes. I very much enjoyed reading the description of what Christmas meant to you as a child and what it means today and how the meaning has changed for you as you have come to realize there are many for whom this is a very difficult time of year. I hope you had a lovely Christmas in the company of those you love and that you managed to recreate the magic of your childhood. And I hope 2019 will be filled with joy and happiness for you too.

Thank you for everything you do on this site. You have helped so many people over the years in need of support and we are very grateful for all your contributions on the forum.

Best wishes,

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

I love Christmas, family time that we always look forward to.  We have a set Christmas routine that has been unbroken for over two decades, it's our tradition!

Sadly though this year has been different, I lost my Wife at the end of November and we had her funeral on the 21st Dec. She was the star at the top of the tree, and instead of unwrapping presents and getting prepared for the day ahead on Christmas morning I found myself with my children in a cold and frosty church yard standing beside her grave with tears streaming down our faces.  Christmas day was so hard for us, how can something so good suddenly turn so bad? 

I dont like to sound negative or down, but our Christmases will never be the same again:(.

James

Oh James I am so sorry to read that. It must have been so terribly hard for you this year. I am thinking of you and your children and I just wanted you to know we are all here for you every single day of the year. So many here will share your pain at the moment and feel that their lives and their Christmases have been changed forever after a losing a loved one.

My thoughts are with you all who have lost a loved one and for whom it just feels that Christmas will never be the same.

Lucie

In one word - reflective!

Hi James,

I am so sorry to hear that Christmas was so different for you this year, due to the recent passing of your beloved wife and I offer my sincere condolences on your loss.

The unfortunate truth is that there are many who are in sad situations this Christmas season. The important thing is that you still kept up your family tradition. You were all together and spent it as close as you could to the one link that has been broken. I lost my mother-in-law at the beginning of October and, still have my 97 year old father-in-law. They had been together for 80 years, so he is bereft without her. Our Christmas was very different this year too, yet, like you, we spent it with one another.

Losing a loved one at this time of year is always especially sad, coming at the same time as such a happy event for many. Eventually, you and your children will adapt to this new life and enjoy a new version of Christmas. I agree that it will never be the same as it has been in the past, but it will be good nonetheless.

I am glad to hear that you have arranged to see a counsellor in the New Year and, sincerely hope that it helps you to come to terms with all that has taken place. You may also find that your children need to talk to someone else too, as they may have concerns that they don’t want to utter to you for fear of upsetting you further.

Grief hits us all in different ways and takes us all different amounts of time to come to terms with.

When I have been struck by it, I have always striven to live my life in a way that the departed would

have been proud of and approved of. This is what your wife would have wanted, I’m sure.

You have a hard road ahead of you, but I am certain that you will make it. Please let us know if you

find the counsellor a help and remember that we are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine

Hi Lucie,

Thank you for your kind words. I haven’t expressed myself very well in my post. What I really meant to say is that in contributing to the forum, I can lose myself in other people’s problems and put a more positive slant on my own health. Others who are regular contributors have also found this cathartic.

I am delighted to hear that you feel my contributions have helped so many others throughout the years. I would highly recommend this as a great way to lose our self-pity and to realise that there are many people who are worse off than we are.

I sincerely hope that all at Cancer Chat have a Happy and Healthy New Year.

Kind regards,

Jolamine

Hi James,

I replied to your post on ‘How do you feel about Christmas’ last night, but when I went to post it there was no sign of your most recent post. As a result I am replying to your earlier one instead.

I am glad to hear that you found it a little easier to get through Boxing Day than you did on Christmas Day. It is far too soon for you to make any sense of losing your beloved wife at such a young age. It seems so cruel to have her snatched away from you by this horrible disease.

I know that your daughter is 16 and your son is 20. Are they both still in education, or is your son working? This must make your wife’s departure all the more difficult for them to bear. They are still at an age where they need and rely on parental guidance. This puts more pressure on you to continue caring for them as your wife would have wanted. I am sure that you will eventually feel able to step up to the plate. I expect that your daughter will have some important exams coming up soon. These are hard enough to get through without losing her mum, which will naturally be the paramount thought that she has just now.

I would suspect that your grief for your wife started some time before she died. Most of us do this when a loved one is terminally ill. Try not to concentrate on the fact that she didn’t feel ready to go yet - I’m sure that few of us would feel ready to go at 46 years of age. We all live for the milestones in life seeing our children finish school, graduate, start working, get married, have children of their own, etc. Sadly, your wife has been robbed of these, so it’s no wonder that she didn’t feel ready.

The fact that she had such a difficult passing is something that will haunt you for some time, but you will eventually come to terms with this and begin to remember happier times. Have you got a nice photograph of your wife? I have found it helpful to keep one in my living room and, I often find myself talking to it as I pass by. I have done this less as the years pass, not that I have forgotten, but probably because I have had to carry on with life and my family.

You have been looking after your wife 24/7 for quite some considerable time and you must be totally and utterly exhausted now that you no longer have this focus. You will need to take time to look after yourself now and get yourself back to good health. If you cannot sleep, have you thought of asking your doctor for some help for a short while? I am not surprised that you don’t know what to do with the time on your hands now. I have been in this situation until last October and know just how totally drained you will be feeling. You will be running on empty now and you will have to build yourself up both physically and mentally.

I sincerely hope that the counsellor you all see will be able to help all three of you to come to terms with your grief. Like you, I am not in favour of counselling, but I had to resort to it in my early days to help my daughter to accept my diagnosis. I have always felt that you had to have someone who connected with you personally to do any good. In the event, our meeting was absolutely disastrous, but it was so bad that it actually helped us both.

Here’s hoping that it works for you too.

Kind regards,

Jolamine

Hi Jolamine,

Thank you so much for your reply, and for sharing your experiences. This really does help me.

My earlier message is still there, but in another thread... www.cancerresearchuk.org/.../first-christmas-without-my-wife:).

I just really don't know what to do with myself at the moment, I am missing my wife terribly and don't want to leave her behind and I fear for the changes that the future brings. Is it normal to feel like this?

James