Hi James,

I can only imagine how you're feeling at the moment but it would be worrying if you weren't feeling so low after going through the trauma of caring for someone you love through their dying days.

Grief is awful but it is a natural process that we all go through when we love someone that we love. Time won't heal your pain, but it will make it more bearable eventually. 

Talk to your kids about how you feel, and ask them how they feel. They will be going through something very similar too and you all need to help each other to get through this. Don't be surprised if they feel differently either, we all grieve in different ways and at different paces. 

If things get bad, don't hesitate to phone the Samaritans on Freephone 116113. You don't need to be suicidal to call them www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you

Good luck and don't hesitate to keep posting.

Dave

I think a lot of it is fuelled by the fact that I've lost someone who is so precious to me, and she said she wasn't ready to leave us because she still had things to do.  Those words will haunt me forever!

She put in so much effort and determination to get better, and I burned myself out with the relentless routine of looking after her, but I wanted to do it because she was my soulmate, my pride and joy. I had to help her!  

As relentless as the routine was, it was just the norm and I did it without question. But, now that routine is broken I've nothing to do, and it feels like all of our efforts were for nothing.  That illness came along, took her like a thief and smashed all our hopes and dreams apart.  It's awful!

So, so sorry, James.  Life can deal us some truly awful blows at times.  I hope the counselling helps, but also just keep in mind what you yourself said - she would hate to see you all feeling so bad, even while acknowledging it shows how very much you loved her. 

Thinking of you, Hazel. 

xxx

Hi, 

I lost my partner and best friend in October 6 weeks after a diagnosis of liver cancer. Totally out of the blue. I empathise with you about the void loosing someone in this ways leaves you with what feels like endless time to doubt, question and go over a multitude of ‘What ifs.’ People with give you advice with the best intention. All I can say from experience is it’s okay to feel sad. This time of year the expectation is to get caught up in the Christmas hype and people will say ‘Life goes on.’ You need time to come to terms with what has happened. I don’t mean get over it, just simply process your loss. 2 months on I have periods of time where things happen that put my loss at the back of my mind for a while. I guess as time passes and I learn to fill the time I spent with him doing different things this may help distract me from thoughts of sadness. What I really want to say is that you will figure out what you need to get through this and don’t let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn’t be doing. I spent the first 2 weeks after I lost him apologising for getting upset. Now I realise I’d nothing to apologise for. It’s normal to feel distressed and emotional. Don’t be afraid to talk to others about how you feel too if that helps you. 

Hi James,

I am so sorry to hear that Christmas was so different for you this year, due to the recent passing of your beloved wife and I offer my sincere condolences on your loss.

The unfortunate truth is that there are many who are in sad situations this Christmas season. The important thing is that you still kept up your family tradition. You were all together and spent it as close as you could to the one link that has been broken. I lost my mother-in-law at the beginning of October and, still have my 97 year old father-in-law. They had been together for 80 years, so he is bereft without her. Our Christmas was very different this year too, yet, like you, we spent it with one another.

Losing a loved one at this time of year is always especially sad, coming at the same time as such a happy time for many. Eventually, you and your children will adapt to this new life and enjoy a new version of Christmas. I agree that it will never be the same as it has been in the past, but it will be good nonetheless.

I am glad to hear that you have arranged to see a counsellor in the New Year and, sincerely hope that it helps you to come to terms with all that has taken place. You may also find that your children need to talk to someone else too, as they may have concerns that they don’t want to utter to you for fear of upsetting you further.

Grief hits us all in different ways and takes us all different amounts of time to come to terms with.

When I have been struck by it, I have always striven to live my life in a way that the departed would

have been proud of and approved of. This is what your wife would have wanted, I’m sure.

You have a hard road ahead of you, but I am certain that you will make it. Please let us know if you

find the counsellor a help and remember that we are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine

Hi Jolamine, 

Christmas day was tough to get through, Boxing day a little easier but still my wife is never far from my thoughts.  She always said that she wasn't ready to leave because she had things to do, so that will be my focus for the New Year, to do those things for her!  I just wish she could share them:(.

I absolutely doted on her which is probably why I feel so sad and frustrated about losing her.  I cared for her so intricately throughout her illness because she was my pride and joy and I just wanted to help her get through the days and make her life as easy as possible while she was battling that horrible illness.

I educated myself quite intensely with information about her cancer type, so that I could understand what it was doing to her,  and that allowed me to better care for her needs to the best of my ability.  I sorted out her medication at home, made sure she was cleaned and dressed every day, helped her go to the toilet, made her food, took her out in her wheelchair and generally just watched her back 24/7.  I always questioned her Oncologists and watched every treatment she went through like a hawk.  I needed to ensure she was OK and was being looked after correctly every step of the way. 

I wouldn't say I was obsessed with caring for her, but it was more a case of I just loved so very much that I'd do anything for her.  She was my gorgeous wife, a very special person, so kind, loving, caring and beautiful.  I just loved her so much and wanted to help her get better.

Despite her best efforts to survive and my best efforts to help her, the illnesses still took her away.  I don't think it really matters if it was Christmas or not, I'd still feel the same frustration and sadness at any time of year. We both tried our very best  to stay together:(.

James 

Hi James

Whilst it is four years tomorrow since I lost my much loved hubby I do relate to your post in lots of ways. My husband battled for three  years to be with us for longer and, like you, I cared alongside him throughout his journey and now continue that passage without him.  My children had left home and grieved in their own way and we all helped with our six year old grandchild's sorrow (which included help from within his school).  My hubby loved a good old family Christmas and we honoured him by keeping it pretty much the same way with the first one though admittedly we were not freshly grieving. New Year is much harder for us to get through to be honest.

Advice is difficult to give because we all process death/loss/grieving differently but the best bit I was given was to take it a day at a time and do what is right for you and your children.  Over time you will begin to help each other and as a family we now easily talk of our feelings as well as remembering that we are who we are today because of those we have loved and lost.  It is not easy but in time  you find ways to fill those empty times with better thoughts whilst never forgetting the love you hold in your heart.

I hope the counselling helps and the forum is open 24/7 with others here to listen. Look after yourself and take any support you need at this so difficult of times.  Jules54