A warm welcome to the forum Bestrong08 although I'm sorry about your dad's diagnosis and the decision he's made about treatment.

I can't begin to imagine how difficult this must be but we're here for you and I'm sure some members of our online family will be along soon to offer some comfort, support and advice.

If you feel like you're struggling or a tad overwhelmed by everything that's going on do be sure to reach out to your GP as they will be able to help and let you know what support is available to you in your part of the country. 

I know it will be tough but if you can, do try and take some time to look after your physical and mental health whilst you support your dad on this journey. I hope these tips and advice on taking care of yourself will help but if you feel it may help to talk things through with one of our cancer nurses, they're just a phone call away on 0808 800 4040, Monday - Friday between 9a.m - 5p.m.

You can do this Bestrong08. 

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hello and best wishes from a fellow carer

My mum was recently diagnosed with secondary lung cancer and she has refused all treatment- including a biopsy to find out the primary cancer. We have been told it is terminal.  I'm lucky to have two brothers and a sister.

We've supported her in this choice snd see it as a positive.  It means she's not on powerful chemo/radiotherapy so her quality of life will be better. I have to say another positive is it's brought me so much closer with my brothers and sister.  I'm lucky to have these guys and I really recommend offloading to a trusted friend if you don't have siblings- letting off steam means I can carry on being there for my mum otherwise I would just give up. As it is I've just come back from a weekend caring and I'm at the end of my tether... the red wine is v tempting. Friends listen to me rage and blast- and complain about my mums behaviour too.

I'm learning that my mood is v unpredictable and so exercise is a big part of caring for me- it always gives me a boost.  
my mum used to be such a good listener and understood me so well- now all her energy is taken up with talking about her symptoms, moods, and fears.  It's boring and also frightening.. I miss her...I think about whether I will do this to my children when I am dying...I vow. never to do that but am also horrified that it is very likely I will.

urgh who on Earth feels ready for this dreadful experience ?  Where's the training and the help to get it right?  I just take it one day at a time and listen to my gut instinct

all the very best for this v tough journey we are in together 

Hi Bestrong,

I am so sorry to hear of the unenviable position you find yourself in. It sounds as if your dad is a very derermined person and, I admire the stance that he has taken. It takes a very strong person to refuse treatment given the alternative, but sometimes we find that the treatment is just too much to bear. I have nursed a number of family through cancer and have had 2 bouts myself in the past 12 years. I lost my own mum to secondary breast cancer 24 years ago, so I can appreciate the turmoil that you're in.

In stead of thinking about how you'll feel afterwards, try to concentrate on the here and now. Take things day by day, or even hour by hour if need be. Try to be with your dad. Let him know how much you love him and talk to him. Don't leave anything left unsaid, or you might regret this in later life. Do you have family or friends who can support you through this?

When faced with adversity such as this, we all find the extra strength to see it through. Sometimes you are stronger than you think. Would you consider seeing a counsellor to help you through this? It can often help talking to a stranger who fully understants your circumstances.

Please keep in touch. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Steph,

Thank you so much for your reply. I went to visit my dad last Thursday and then a few hours later I got a call telling me his heart had stopped and he was gone. My daughter and I went back to the hospital and I sat with him,  held his hand and said goodbye. I am devastated and the pain is like nothing I've ever experienced before. It now falls on me to sort everything out. Luckily my family have travelled to help me for a few days. I don't think I will ever get over this. 

Hi Bestrong,

I am so sorry to hear that your dad has passed and I offer my deepest condolences. I am glad to hear that your family have travelled to help you to sort out some of the necessary things which need to be done now.

I am thinking of you and your family,

Sincerely,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, 

Thank you so much for your reply. I was trying to reply to everyone's comments one by one last night but couldn't bring myself to carry on. It has been extremely difficult but I have managed because my family have been helping me. I just still can't believe that I am never going to see him again, call him up for a chat and hear his voice. I'm so heartbroken. 

Hi Bestrong,

This is a heartbreaking time, but  eventually you will see the sunshine in your life again. You will keep going on adrenaline until after the funeral and then possibly find yourself at even more of a loss. Do you have a nice photo of your dad? I found it very helpful to have a photo in a prominent place, where I could talk to my loved one as I passed by. You will always hold him in your heart and he will always be by your side wherever you are.

Please remember that we are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Thinking of you.

Same ' my Father was diagnosed stage 4 lung cancer ! 5th October 2021 and he doesn't want to take treatments' at the moment he is ok ' not lost weight or appetite or pain . But I don't know how ill cope with if he suffers pain ..... 

he told me that he want to spend his time left with his children . Ill keep undate how it goes 

Aww I'm so sorry you are going through this too. Unfortunately my dad passed away last week as he couldn't carry on and it hurts so much. Please keep in touch and if you need to talk I am always here for you along with the many others on this wonderful forum. 

Definitely is nice to talk to people going through the same thing. My dad was diagnosed only 4 weeks ago with aggressive mixed neuro endocrine cancer. I am so frightened