Hello everyone,
I recently got married to the man of my life, who just before our wedding was diagnosed with myeloma.
We were both very positive and optimistic at first, thinking that we will beat the cancer and we got married in early May 2017, when he was into his second cycle of chemo. He was ok and we could still have some life together...
It is now nearly 4 months after the first day of his treatment and our life is just a day survival: another sleepless night, full of pain, or another successful sleep, or another day in bed, or.... etc.
I started to read about Cancer chat in the hospital and at a time, where I felt that I am on my own and that nobody could help me in my situation...
I want to say that I feel that our life will never be the same, we will never have fun again, but the worst of all is the feeling that I am loosing the man that I fell in love with... and this is inevitable...it is happening...now... I can only pray about it...and I do...
Watching him suffer with pain: physical and mental; is as painful and as exhausting for me too...I cry every night and day when he is not watching...I ask myself the question: 'Why us? Why me?
We had so many wonderful plans for the future, not big plans, but happy plans with simple things that make our lives special...
I have nobody to protect me any moore, I need to be the man and the woman in the house. I have to do everything...I am doing it at the moment as well as working extra hours to try and pay all the bills and expenses... But my strenght is going...I feel so tired and I believe that the worst is yet to come.
What will I do if he is no longer able to move, walk etc... I am so frightened... We spent all of our savings for our wedding and have no income from him and will not have probably till may be forever...
I am here to speak to other people in similar situations, because I feel so lonely...
I want to share my feelings here, because I cannot share them with anybody else.
My husband feels that we should not tell people about his real situation, because this will only make them avoid us, or ...basically, it will not do any good to anybody, especially to our close relatives...And we are isolating ourselves...
I feel that I need to respect his wish and not tell anybody...
But it is hard... There are time where I am asked at work what's wrong etc... and I cannot say much. I wish I could just scream to the whole universe and ask for help...
I don't have any life anymore. It is just work, worry about him, and work...
There is no passion anymore... It is a compassion now...
How this is going to work, I don't know?
For how long, I don't know...
I want my boy back!!!!!!!!
I just want one day to wake up and to realise that it was just a nightmare...