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Why is my husband suddenly rejecting any help?

11 Feb 2019 04:56

Hi,

My partner has stage IV lung cancer. When he was first diagnosed three years ago he relied a lot on my help in the day to day things, finding doctors, hospitals etc. It has been tough for us all - this sounds  selfish as I can't even try to comprehend what he is going through - but it did initially bring us closer. He now won't speak to us. He has aspbergers which it makes it harder to understand. Everything changed two years ago and the tension has been horrendous. Any advice would be really helpful.

Thank you

Why is my husband suddenly rejecting any help?

11 Feb 2019 06:59 in response to June08

Hey Hun, 

I'm so sorry first of all to hear of your husband's diagnosis. I can't imagine how all of you are feeling right now, but still being there for him the way you are being is amazing. 

When I read this post, it seemed a little familiar to what my Nan did in her final weeks. Although my Nans cancer had spread and she passed within 6 months, so it's a much shorter timescale compared to your husband, she started to do some things that upset us at the time, but only later we found out why. Now this may not be the case for your husband at all, it could be completely different, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. My nan started pushing us away, by not kissing us grandkids. She would just give us a wave and say she had cold sores and didn't want to give them us. She tried the same thing with my mum and aunt, but they said they didn't care and didn't mind catching cold sores. It was little things like this that she kept doing. She even got my mum to get Goodbye Presents for us all. A while after she passed, we mentioned to her best friend how she had been off with us, and listed all the things she was doing, to which her friend replied that my nan had told her she was doing these things to try to make it a little easier for us when she passed, cos she thought we wouldn't be as close to her. This wasn't true at all, but I guess that's how she was thinking when she knew she hadn't got much time left. 

I think all you can try to do, is keep supporting your husband in the wonderful way you already are, and if you feel you can, ask him why he's pushing you and your sons away, and explain that you want to be there no matter what. 

I hope he lets you back in again, as it'll make this horrible situation a little easier with you being United against it. 

But please, if you don't feel like you can talk to anyone at home about this, message me anytime, I'll be there for you. As will many people on this amazing forum. You are not alone, remember that. Sometimes it helps to have a chat with a person who is neutral. 

Lots of love and light to you, your husband and sons, 

Alexia xxx

Why is my husband suddenly rejecting any help?

3 Mar 2019 21:58 in response to AlexiaT

Alexia,

Thank you for such wonderful comments and I am sorry you lost your Nan this way. I think he just wants to keep control over what he can and this is his way of coping. If that is the case then I totally respect it but I feel desperately sorry for my sons that he will not let them share some time with him.

Light and love to you too,

 

June xxxx

Why is my husband suddenly rejecting any help?

3 Mar 2019 22:48 in response to June08

Hi there ..

I've been on here a while now, and there's been quite a few times where the person with cancer pushes loved ones away ... one is because, they think it may be easier to let them go .. like they think they are saving you from pain, where as in truth it makes it harder .. 

Or it's so painful for them to know your seeing them change and become dependant on those he used to care for and protect ... either way if only he knew, he could leave his son's kinder memories and you too .. 

I know when I was going in hospital for my masectomy, I'd convinced myself I wouldn't come through .. my son wanted me to stay at his the night before ... I couldn't because if I saw my granddaughter (in pic) on the day of op, I'd hold her and never let her go .. and as much as I longed to see her, just couldn't bare it ... maybe that's his feelings too .. he loves you all so much, it's too painful thinking he may be leaving you all ... but you know if only you all hold back a little .. while telling him your all there if he wants you .. it may take the pressure off .. and hopefully slowly let you all back in ...

Sending you all a vertual hug. . Chrissie xx

Why is my husband suddenly rejecting any help?

4 Mar 2019 06:31 in response to June08

Hey June, 

Theres no need to thank me, we are all in this together! Happy 

I cant imagine how you feel for your Sons, it's got to be so difficult feeling pushed out at such a difficult time. I think maybe if that's what it is with your husband, that he wants to feel in control, then the best you can do is to explain that to your sons, so at least you're opening up to them. Plus, I think that the reason of his behaviour, at least you know it isn't just something nasty towards his family, it's to keep his own things going. So I think that'll make it easier to explain to your sons too. 

Keep being brave, keep smiling, and remember you can message me any time you like. 

Lots of love to you, 

Alex xxx