Hi there ... so so sorry you lost your mum ... but be kind to your heart, it's trying to make sense of all those emotions you have been through ... don't push to remember those last days, just keep remembering your mum how she'd want you to remember her ... at her best, before she got I'll ... there's a huge part of her life that was full and only a little tiny part that was those last days ...

My mum phoned me one Monday morning about coming up mine Tuesday ... the last thing she said was see you tomorrow love ... that afternoon she had a massive heart attack and at 5.20 she died ... l never got that tomorrow... not even good bye ... or what I so wanted her to know, I was so proud to have had her for my mum ...  so l know that feeling well ... but looking back, I'm glad we never said good bye because one "tomorrow" I will see her again ...

Just remember she lives in your heart now ... and when you look in the mirror, you'll see her ... she made you ... she's right there ... the pain does heal with time but you never stop missing them ... I always picture her laughing with me and my lads ... we always talk about her ... not how she died, but how she lived ... just think what she would say to you if she could ... your heart knows the answer ..

It hurts so much because we were blessed with amazing mum's... that's why we miss them so much ... you are still in the early days, where you need to feel all those feelings, even though it feels unbearable .. it all part of the grieving process ... but hold on, and try to just do one day at a time ... sending you a big vertual hug ... Chrissie x

Hello

I can relate to everything you have posted ......not that this helps at all!  My Mum passed Jan 31st 4 weeks after being diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. It was so quick and so cruel.  Over the last four months I have agonised over why we did not say Goodbye properly and you have helped me understand a little better.  I too tried to remember everything we talked about and what Mum said. I recall one conversation we had when I was helping Mum to bed and it was wether Mum wanted her Pyjamas or Nightie...her response "lets do Pyjamas and I can save the nightie for the spring time when its warmer".  I believe  Mum was in denial and like you say did not want to say a final Goodbye cos then its real.  I spent so much time looking after Mum physically and making her comfortable that I feel I did not comfort her spiritually. I wish like you that  I had taken time to have the conversation. Take Care 

Hi I remember replying to one of your posts when your mum first passed. So I am 7 weeks down the line since my mum passed and I am still analysing the last proper conversations I had with my mum. As like yourself my mum knew she was dying but we never had any conversations about it so we never said goodbye as such. But I can live with that as I feel I was respecting my mums wishes. One glimmer of hope is that although I think of my mum lots of times a day it's not on mind constantly which it was until recently so I'm hoping this means I am slowly coming to terms with what has happened although I know my life will never be the same. Are you back at work yet? Passing lots of love your way Kirsty x

Hi Kirsty. I am feeling a bit better. I am at least not breaking down and crying uncontrollably every night now. Yesterday was the first day that I didn't cry at all, just a few times I teared up. I don't know why I want to remember all the last conversations so badly. There's one in particular, back in February when she was first diagnosed. I was getting ready to leave the hospital after a visit, and she was kind of still wanting to talk. So I stood in the doorway for a long time and we were chatting back and forth. But it wasn't normal chit chat. There was a heaviness in the air, a desperation in her eyes. Something. I know that at that moment I felt a bit powerless because we both knew what lay ahead, but there was still that unknown. So I think I tried to comfort her, maybe telling her to just take things one day at a time. But I think that was the only time I can recall some level of vulnerability. I just wish I could remember the dialogue. It's like I'm remembering a movie and I can picture the scene very vividly, but the words are all faded out. I wish I had kept a journal of all of our visits from February on. I only wrote one entry, the day she was diagnosed. 

I'm glad to hear that you are slowly coming to terms with your mums passing. I'm going to go back to work next week. I really needed a few weeks to become somewhat normal again. I had a fear that I would break down in front of people and didn't want that. I am glad that I feel a bit more in control of my emotions now. 

Dear Serapine8

Don't feel guilty because you didnt say your good byes, my husband passed away on 12 April from mouth cancer. 

He was diagnosed terminal on 10 January  this year, when he was in hospital and a hospice, I asked him if there was anything he wanted to discuss as I didn't want to bring it up myself, it's such a heart breaking thing to do, we know they don't have long but still don't want to address it.

My husband didnt want to discuss it, in think he was really saving my feelings as maybe your mum did the same, and yes they do need to feel that things are ok and maybe even think its not going to happen, I don't see any reason discussing the end if your loved  one didnt want to do .

My friend said to me she wish she had the conversation with her husband before he passed away, but if your love one is not forthcoming then so be it,  it's not for everyone and although indeed I would of like to say good bye properly to my hubby, it would of been the hardest goodbye ever some am glad we didn't have the conversation, there was no need for him to know he didn't have as long as he thought he had left, what would be the point., I know I wouldn't want to know.

God bless you xxxx

Thank you for all your responses. I guess it's really quite common to be going through all these thought processes. Like not saying a proper good bye or analyzing our last conversations. At some point I will have to just focus on her full life, as Chriss mentioned, rather than on the last little while when she was sick. I don't know why I keep going back over these last conversations. 

It's just so weird. We know on some level that we don't have much time with a person, and yet we try so hard to pretend that everything is normal and just carry on. But it's true, we can't push a person to try and have conversations they don't want to have. To be honest, I didn't want to have those conversations any more than my mom wanted to so I really shouldn't feel bad they never happened. We lived our lives like we would be together forever, to the point where I think part of me believed she would never die. Maybe that's part of why it's so hard. It's just kind of surreal, when you look back at some of those last conversations, and how innocent you were in that you simply did not know that they were the last ones you would ever have with that person.