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Re: Why is it affecting me so much more this time?

28 Jan 2018 16:29 in response to Annieliz

I think cancer has this way of putting everything in perspective. I know there are lots of things that I need to change in my life, having been faced with the harsh realities of my future, but these things are not going to happen overnight.

On a day to day basis not much is going to change and that is frustrating me. I still have to get up, go to work and do all the day to day things. There's no pause button in life. 

I think I did do well during this period, but I'm now left in the aftermath of having lots of questions and none of the answers. I've had the fright of my life. I should just take comfort in that it wasn't what I thought it was going to be, sadly it's opened up a can of worms, which the lid won't go back on. 

Re: Why is it affecting me so much more this time?

28 Jan 2018 16:49 in response to danadona

Don't beat yourself up; earlier in our conversation you said you were not  happy with various things in your life.  Well you cannot do everything at once but you can start by doing those things that seem most important to you.  Life is not at all orderly or fair so once you have got  your breath and your perspective back decide what is most important for you and work out how to do it.  The worst possible outcome would be that if at some point in the future your mum became ill (no reason to think she will but life is uncertain for all of us) and you had done nothing to redirect your life in the way you wanted it to go.    I am as bad as anyone and at the moment am trying to push myself to sorting out  a move to outside of London.  Oh, there are always reasons why we cannot do this or that at the moment but these are only excuses.  I have to stop finding excuses why I cannot do such-and-such today. I don't usually harangue people like this but you have done so well it would be a shame not to follow it through.  By all means take a long breath first but then go for whatever it is you want to do.

Re: Why is it affecting me so much more this time?

28 Jan 2018 17:47 in response to Annieliz

I agree with everything Annie has just said. And that small steady steps for yourself with changes is the best idea.

But I think it must be perfectly normal and natural for you to feel a bit low right now. You were so strong while the pressure was on, that now things will catch up with you a bit maybe? So, try to be your own best friend and be kind to yourself for that breathing space you need, because you deserve it.

Good luck, and well done,

And Annie, do come and join us out here in the sticks cos it's wonderful!

Happy

Mary x

Re: Why is it affecting me so much more this time?

28 Jan 2018 19:57 in response to danadona

Me again.  I promise not to harangue you again but let you recover from the worrying weeks you have been through and let you make the changes you want when you feel up to it!  So pleased Mare is also here with us so she can beat me up if I don't give you the applause you deserve and the space to get over everything you have been through in these last weeks.  I just worried that time would start to slip away as it does, relentlessly but I think I am condemning myself as much as anything!

Enjoy your time with your mum now that this worry is out of the way,  That you really do both deserve.

Re: Why is it affecting me so much more this time?

30 Jan 2018 20:55 in response to Annieliz

Evening ladies,

I thought I'd come on this evening as I have had one of those surges of hope we all get from time to time, where I'm feeling positive and feel like things are back in my own hands again. I can and I will do all that I set out to do. I am going to change my life.

I feel strangely content tonight. Just enjoying it for what it is. It feels good. 

Re: Why is it affecting me so much more this time?

31 Jan 2018 07:30 in response to danadona

Good morning, Daniel; glad you are feeling better.  I should seize the moment!  I hope your mum is feeling good also.  It is nice when after all the ups and downs you return to some sort of calm; but I suppose if we didn't have the ups and downs to push us along we might not do as much.  Have a good day.  Annie xx

Re: Why is it affecting me so much more this time?

31 Jan 2018 17:18 in response to Annieliz

Great to hear this Daniel Happy

It's not worth worrying too much about anything cos it's cot usually the obvious things that happen. Each day is interesting isn't it, whatever else it is?!

Now live your life and enjoy!

Mary

Re: Why is it affecting me so much more this time?

7 Feb 2018 18:25 in response to mare

She's going to the ear nose and throat specialist on the 28th. I think when you've had cancer once you never really relax. I think what makes it worse is we had a family member who died from neck cancer, having been told repeatedly it was nothing. We all know how it can become a runaway train.

She has her first annual mammogram on the 14th. Fingers crossed for that as well.

On my own front, I have just been offered 3 months work abroad in Cyprus. Which I am grabbing with both hands. Mum is all for it obviously. I think I can't sit around waiting for something bad to happen. I will have a few trips home so its not like she will be on her own for more than 3 weeks at a time. It will tick a box for me. I just pray nothing happens. Always seems to be when I'm away. 

My emotions are still a rollercoster. I can be very morbid and down one minute then high as a kite the next. The combination of me being at a cross roads in my own life, and realising my mother's mortality is an explosive mix. I can cry sad and happy tears all in the same morning. One minute despair and fear the next hope and exhilaration. 

One day at a time. X

Re: Why is it affecting me so much more this time?

7 Feb 2018 18:55 in response to danadona

Yes. One day at at time. You're doing alright. And so is your mum. It's good to hear you're off away for a bit. Good to hear from you. And good that you're getting on Happy

Mare

Re: Why is it affecting me so much more this time?

8 Feb 2018 08:17 in response to danadona

Hi there.  I have been away from home for a couple of days and was pleased to see your post when I got back late yesterday.  Good for you, off to Cyprus.    I realise you have had a bit shock and probably now worry about having been too complacent but you know worrying doesn't make one jot of difference to what the future brings.  Your mum obviously wants you to enjoy your life and you are pleasing her by doing this.  And Mare isn't half right; the things you worry yourself silly about usually don't happen but something else comes along out of nowhere and smashes you up the backside!  So it is best not to try to predict the future.  You have done really well and I so much hope you will feel yourself free to folow your own dreams.  Let us know how your mum gets on on the 14th; we love to hear from you.  Annie xx

Re: Why is it affecting me so much more this time?

12 Feb 2018 18:25 in response to Annieliz

It's an indiscriminate disease isn't it? I was reading all about Liam Miller, the ex footballer who died, at just 36.

My fear is I can't unlearn all those feelings that were dredged up a few weeks ago. I seem hyper aware of all things mortality now. I'm also aware at how tied my hands are with most things. Nothing much changes on a day to day basis.

Cyprus is hopefully going to feed into changing that. The change of routine if anything I'm hoping will lift my mood.

One day at a time. 

Re: Why is it affecting me so much more this time?

13 Feb 2018 08:20 in response to danadona

Hello Daniel.  Your mum is due for her mammogram tomorrow, here's fingers crossed! 

I read about Liam too - he played for Sunderland, my home town, at one time but we don't talk about Sunderland and football in polite conversation.  But at least he made the best use of his talents and didn't waste his life.  As you say, indiscriminate,  can strike absolutely anyone.  Tessa Jowell one of our local MPs with whom I had a lot of contact in my career has brain cancer.  I had a lot of respect for her in our dealings.

When are you off to Cyprus?  Please keep us informed about your mum when you get a chance.  Annie xx

Re: Why is it affecting me so much more this time?

22 Feb 2018 20:36 in response to Annieliz

 

Hi Annie,

So went today for a consultation. The results of the mammogram were normal. I think there's only one last hurdle which is next Weds with the neck specialist. Surely they can't be all wrong? Surely this is us coming out the other side after an almighty scare.

As for me. I think the events of this year have sadly seen me go through some kind of barrier or crossed some kind of line which I don't seem able to cross back over. I have a lot of depressive moments. I think the events led me to look at myself from outside my own skin. Not a comfortable place. Becoming aware of mine and the person closest to me's mortality has rocked me to the core. I even get sad at little things, like going to the supermarket. Knowing one day we won't do things like that together.

Cyprus is yet to be 100% confirmed but suggestion is Mon 5th start. I'm hoping the sun and new challenge will reset my brain somehow. God knows it needs it. Other than that, As we all know, never take anything for granted with cancer or life in general.

One day at a time. 

Re: Why is it affecting me so much more this time?

22 Feb 2018 21:27 in response to danadona

Hiya Daniel; good to hear from you.  And very good news about the mammogram.  You have had a bad scare and you probably feel that you will never know happy naivety again.  It's just part of getting older unfortunately.  When I was (a lot) younger I used to collect the Order of Service from weddings I attended - many involving friends and cousins.  Now I mainly collect funeral Orders of Service.  But we all get used to it.   With the clock ticking you are right to do the things you want - go for it.   If you would be so kind it would be nice to hear the final test results for your mum.  Then hopefully off to Cyprus, remembering to keep your mum in the loop this time!  Seriously I hope Cyprus works out and that you very much enjoy your work there.  Annie xx