Hello Daniel.  Sorry you have reacted so badly to this.  I know from experience (I am a worrier) that you can theorise far in advance of the known facts and most of the time it is unnecessary.  Does your mum know about how you are feeling?  How is she taking it?  Is she talking to you about it?  I should take her lead in dealing with this as it cannot help her to know that you are stressing yourself so much.  I guess you are becoming more aware of your mother's mortality this time round.  Talk to your friends to try to get your thoughts and fears in some order.  How are other members of your family reacting to this?  You really need to share your fears with somebody or you will drive yourself crazy.  I am glad you have made a start by posting here and I imagine others have been through the same scenario as you describe.  I would also suggest giving a ring to MacMillan cancer Support (Freefone 0808 808 0000) as thy are very helpful and experinced with all things relating to cancer.

Re-reading this I realise I am rambling a bit but I hope some of it makes sense to you.  Best wishes.

Hi AnnieLiz,

Thanks for your response, it has lifted my mood slightly by reaching out on this forum. 

No Mum knows nothing about the way I'm feeling, I wouldn't add to her stress and worry by letting her see me like that. I rang her this evening (I'm away with work) and it lifted my spirits a bit. She seems outwardly positive, she's a worrier too so is likely to be in turmoil inwardly. What doesn' help is she lost her dad and brother (My grandad and uncle) in a short space of time, not that long ago, to different cancers. Since that time I think she has felt guilty that she is the only one left  (her mum died years ago) Sometimes I think she is almost resigned to thinking the same fate will happen to her. Getting cancer brought back all the feelings of bad luck that she has.

She's seen a counsellor since and has been involved with cancer support groups. I think she felt she couldn't open up to me about it as I'm usually so pragmatic about everything. But this latest episode has really broken me. Late at night is the worst. I lie in bed torturing myself about my life and about whats happening to mum. It doesn't help I'm away with work and in hotel rooms on my own.

To try and help I'm trying to categorise things into short/medium and long term goals I want to achieve with/for mum. Reason I did this is the medium and long term ones are driving me stir crazy that it may be too late to achieve them now. I've said to myself that if I can only achieve the short term ones then that's better than nothing and i at least need to do that.

Of course we may get the news there's nothing wrong at all. All of this stressing could have been for nothing. I think it's made me see just how much I've wasted my life, the gift mum gave me. I just don't want it to be too late to show her I am using that gift properly and I how I will use it properly in the future.

Hi danadona; sorry I don't know why I called you Daniel - a mad moment.  I know all about late night torture when it seems that nothing will ever be all right again.  But somehow the world goes on and things are often not as awful as we think.  I think it would help you to pour out your worries to someone who understands them.  One of the things I have learned from posting and reading on this forum are people do grieve in advance of the event they are dreading.  Admittedly in your case you are grieving before you know what the outcome is going to be and I wonder - and I am no psychologist or anything of the sort - if you feel guilty about being so blase the first time round.  You know, "If I had taken it more seriously when it first happened..."  Not logical but we aren't alway logical.

Does your mum have a date for her scan yet?  Are you going to go with her?  You should try not to see further than that at the moment.  People here talk about breaking big situations down into manageable-size chunks and concentrating on one chunk at a time.  You could try that.  But please be kinder to yourself; you have had an almighty shock, bigger than it perhaps needs to be at the moment and we human beings have a need to share our emotions so even if it is only coming here to chat please vent your feelings.  You will see from reading some of the other posts that there are people who understand exactly where you are coming from.  It is some years now since my mum died and I could not bring myself to encompass the bigger picture all in one go - the opposite to yourself and with much more reason to do so as we knew my mum's cancer was terminal.  But we all cope differently.

If you wish to keep posting - and I hope you will - it would be good to know your mum's scan date and how it goes. 

Hi AnnieLiz,

That's quite alright my name is Daniel, danadona is my username lol, that's the first time I have lol all week btw.

I think you've hit the nail on the head about the guilt thing 

1. Guilty about taking it so blase the first time around 

2. Guilty that I wasn't really there for her the first time around because of this stupid job of mine where I am away all the time.

3. Guilty for the same reason as above for not being there enough when she went through the bereavements. 

3. Guilty that she has spent so much time on her own in the last 5 years and  has  spent long lonely nights alone. Perhaps the stress has made her ill? Why didn't i pick up the phone more?

4. Guilty that I have wasted large parts of my life, the gift she gave me. 

5. Guilty for always moaning about the things I don't have rather than cherishing the things I do, like her.

6. Guilty for blaming her for things in the past and giving her a hard time when she's been the only person on this earth who's ever loved me. 

7. Guilty that she has had such a bad stressful life at the hands of my father  (alcoholic) brother (autistic) her job (stressful and treated her terrible), then the bereavements of family members one after the other and then getting ill herself. If life was fair surely she should be living in peace and relaxing now not fearing she is going to die?

8. Guilty that she may never see me settled. I'm not married and I don't have children. Kills me that she may never see me happy like that and that my potential children will never see her and experience what a great woman she is.

9. Guilty for not telling her how much I love her.

10. Guilty for not simply calling her mum. 

So yeah that is a whole lot of guilt isn' it? That's come to a head in the last few days. Things that have probably been inside me for years that have come bursting out. 

Her scan is the 23rd Jan. Yes I am going. I have been to stuff in the past when I can, but I'm fed up of her going to things on her own. If i have to take time off unpaid this time I will go to everything. 

Sorry to hear about your mum. 

Thanks for listening tonight it's been good to write all this down.x

Hello again.  I was saddened that you had such a long list of guilt.  I didn't even mean to suggest that your guilt over your mum's cancer was necessary or justified only that you may have felt it was.  I am a mother with one son.  He went off to New Zealand some years ago and now lives there.  I am happy that he is well and happy,  I don't want him to worry about me or feel obligations to me.  I am pleased with him and would hate him to feel bad about anything that was happening to me.  He is a lovely son and keeps in regular touch with me but I want  him to live his own life and leave my own worries to myself.  I think most mothers feel this way and I am pretty sure that your own mother would be saddened to think that you owe her so much.  The best gift you can give her is to enjoy your life and fulfil your dreams.  Yes, do tell her often how much you love her.  My son always ends his phone calls with "Love you Mum" and that is quite enough to make me happy.  I think my own mum felt the same about me; I spent a lot of time travelling around the world when I was young and although I expect my mum worried about me when she got postcards from places like Afghanistan one week then from Australia a week later she would never have dreamt of sharing her anxieties with me or expecting me to curtail my activities on her behalf.  (Not that she knew half of the things I was doing but you don't tell your mum everything!)  Mums are like that; they love you unreservedly for what you are.  Admittedly if she had become seriously ill whilst  I was away I would probably have felt guilt too about being away so much and would of course have returned home but she would never have wanted me to feel guilt.

I am sure your mum will be very appreciative of the help you can give her now as it is given freely and with love.  I very much hope you can feel a bit of equilibrium and make peace with yourself.  Please be kind to yourself.

Hi again.  Keep yer pecker up (or something like that).  So pleased you are feeling a bit better.  I think it is normal to have mood swings in these circumstances but at least you are now having ups as well as downs. I am sure you will have a great time with your mum which will leave you both feeling better.  You are in a horrid situation and it is normal to worry; as long as it doesn't get out of hand in which case you may need some help.  Glad it appears you have a sympathetic boss; really although you may not recognise it you sound to be getting your act together and will be a great comfort to your mum.  It would be nice to know how it goes on the 23rd but it is of course up to you and how you are feeling. 

I think reaching out has relieved a bit of the pressure and has been like releasing a valve. Getting it all written down is a great way of mulling through it. I was going stir crazy. If I'm busy tapping away on my phone I'm concentrating on that rather than anything else. So would definitely recommend this forum, and will be looking to reach out and help others. I do really believe in it, I'm so glad I've found this chat room. Great thanks to you Annie for helping me. 

It's an emotional rollercoaster. I'm feeling a bit anxious now I get nearer home. 

Get busy and one day at a time. 

I feel a bit flat today. It's been good seeing mum and having a chat about everything. She's running around doing stuff as normal, but I cant help but thinking she's showing a lot of symptoms. In particular weight loss. 

Hi.  It's me again.  Hopefully others will also post with different thoughts and ideas - I am not monopolising you deliberately!    I don't know how long it is since you last saw your mum and/or whether you are looking for signs that she may be unwell.  Weight loss could be a result of her own worries?  Has your mum got a date for her scan yet?

You are with your mum now.  Try to relax a bit and both enjoy yourselves.  Don't treat her with kid gloves - that gives all the wrong signals.   THis cannot be easy for you but I am sure you will what you can to preserve normality at this time.