Hi jess44637

You are right when you say you shouldn't have to be dealing with your mum's illness at your young age. It is a tough situation for you.

It sounds as though you are doing very well. I'm sure everyone is very proud of your achievements in your grades and with the band. 

There is a website here called riprap where you can chat to others who are a similar age to you who have a parent affected by cancer. I hope this will make you feel less alone.

I wonder if your school is aware of what is going on at home? If so, they will be able to help provide support for you, so that you have someone to talk to about how you are feeling.

Please continue to come and let us know how you are getting on. We are always here.

Best wishes to you,

Jane

Cancer Chat moderator

Hi Jess,

When I read your post I just had to reply for several reasons. One, I have a 16 year old grandaughter also named Jessica but we all call her Jess. Two I have had and recovered from prostate cancer and I have also lost ten family members to cancer over the years including my mother and father. As our lovely moderater Jane has said, You are young to be dealing with something like this. I always feel, it's around this age you need a mothers guidance more than ever. I expect like me and a lot of others, seeing your mother dealing with cancer makes you feel a multitude of emotions. I personally felt so helpless that I couldnt stop the cancer taking my mother from me bit by bit. You sound a very caring young lady who is dealing with the situation as well as you can. I hope you have family and friends you can talk to in an open and honest manner for you mustnt bottle your feelings up. Talking does help trust me Jess.

One thing that experiance has taught me is that life can be cruel at times. Please take care of yourself and try and make as many good memories as you can for they do help later on. Though I lost my mother several years ago, when I miss her, I think of a happy time we shared  and there were plenty of them.

Please keep in contact and stay strong, Brian.

Hi Jess.

Its difficult to know exactly what to say without knowing what level of cancer your mother has.

When my wife developed her cancer we knew that it wasn't something that she was going to walk away from either. We have two children at the time my daughter was 18 so a bit older than you and my son was 19.

We kind of knew what her life expectancy was but we didn't discuss this too openly with the kids - we figured that there's a lot of variation in this and it would kind of freak them out into some sort of crazy countdown if we did that and if they really wanted to know they'd do their own research - it's not that hard to find the stats.

Now I don't know how badly your mothers physically affected by her cancer we were lucky that my wife suffered very little physcial issues until the last couple of weeks. It does sound to me as if she's suffering more from the psychological challenge of this - not surprising really.

Obviously this is affecting you - it could hardly be otherwise - but let me see if I can help a bit with a couple of tips.

Try not to worry about what will happen after she's gone. A lot of people do this - I know I did. But it puts you into a state of grieving before she's even gone. It doesn't help much and it's very upsetting so try not to dwell on it.

Don't fret too much about how much time she has left either - otherwise you'll get into a countdown mentality and frankly although there are average figures these can vary a lot. For instance we knew that 50% of people with the cancer my wife had make 2 years *but* 25% of them make 5 so thats a big spread - as it happened she made 3 and her mother who died of the same made 4 - that upset my wife a bit she was even competeive in cancer! :c)

So nobody can tell you how long she has you have to live for the short term and concentrate on the here and now. Try to spend time with her doing nice things - building good memories and helping take her mind off of it. She'll also be fretting about what will happen to you after she's gone so show her how strong and independant you are and that you'll be just fine.

It's tough really tough - it was hard enough for my kids when my wife was so strong and stoical about her cancer but I can't begin to imagine what it's like when you're trying to hold it together for yourself and her. 

Get her to come on here - she'll find dozens of people in the same situation to talk to - It's one thing to talk to friends and familly and doctors but here she'll find others who are in the same boat and only they will truely understand.

As to why - well there isn't a reason I'm afraid it's just blind chance. But remember there are people out there today right now kissing their wives and husbands goodbye unknowingly for the last time, who will have a stroke or a heart attack or an accident. They will never get a chance to spend those last days, weeks, months making the most of the time they have left

You have a chance now to do that and to help her do that too

Be strong for her and good luck 

Hi 

just abit of advice from someone who has cancer and watched their mum die of emphysema.

Try to be positive no matter how hard.  If you see her looking down try and make her laugh, if you see her crying tell her you love her and that it's going to be ok. even if you dont feel that way.  Dont think of what you will miss out on think of the good times you are going to have even if her time is short. Try to be strong for her and know you are not alone even when you feel you are.

Try to get her involved in your dance if she is able it will be memory you will cherish.

I only have good memories of my mum and I say Hi to her everyday (she lives on my mantle piece)

I see her dancing with dad having the time of her life she is so happy

Yes the worst part about everything is that my mum is suffering so terribly psychologically. She had pills for depression but she refuses to take them anymore. She also refuses to go to see a doctor, so I don't even know how bad the cancer is. 

It's really hard living with her at the moment, as awful as that sounds. 

Even if a miracle did happen, I would never look at my mum as I used to. She's so different to the mother I knew. She's angry, and bitter. She's given up, and she's lost the life she had. She never goes out anymore, and my Dad does all the shopping and errands. She keeps saying she wants us to remember her how she was, but how can I? 

But what if my mum has another 5 years? We don't know, nor does she. But how can we all live like this for another 5 years? 

I was in the car with my dad the other day and even he said he doesn't know what to do anymore. I don't even know what to think or do anymore. I can't even have a proper conversation with my mum.

 It's weird, because no matter what happens, it will never be like what it was before.

Thank you for replying.

You know Jess I think you need to look at this from a slightly different angle.

I think there are a couple of possibilities you might want to consider.

The first is physical. Not knowing your mothers medical details is it possible that the cancer has spread and that she has some lesions affecting her brain? Some cancers can do that and that can significantly affect people's personality and behaviour.

The second is psychological - people can and do suffer breakdowns in response to stress. I am always amazed that so many people manage to hold it all together under such circumstances but I'm sure that many don't.

In either case I think you need to consider this as part of her illness - it's doubly distressing I know because hers is both physical and psychological at the same time.

We often find psychological disorders distressing because they undermine our ideas of what it is to be a particular person, when that person's character changes it makes us wonder if they are really the same person.

My father had dementia and not only did his personality change but he lost some of his memories too - that's really tough because you start to see almost a stranger there.

But you know I came to see that a person is like a school - maybe that school has been around for 100 years, the pupils leave ofter 6 or 7 and the teachers retire and are replaced - the buildings may over time be knocked down and  rebuilt but there is a continuity - it's still the same school - my father was still my father and your mother is still your mother.

I'm not religous myself but I really admire a lot of the philosophy underpinning Budhist thought. Particularly that change is inevitable, bad change as well as good and that a lot of our unhappiness comes from trying to hang onto things to keep them as they are or were.

It's how I'm coping so well after my wife died - I'm not allowing myself to wish that things were different, constantly trying to wind back a clock that can't be rewound. Those are the thought patterns that cause so much pain.

The Christian version is probably the serenity prayer : 

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."

I know its really hard but you have to try to accept that things are different now and play the hand you're dealt as best you can - it's so hard to have to play this particular hand at such a young age but my wife Melanie lost her mother to the same cancer that got her 30 years later when she was about your age. I think that was pretty traumatic too but she turned out pretty damn well and I know that you will too.