Hi Rebecca, just a note to say that I'm in a very similar situation and am finding it hard to understand why I'm not crying very much. My lovely dad died on 5th August. I'm a school teacher so I have been off for 6 weeks summer holiday. I cried a lot when he went into hospital because he was in pain and was very distressed but I haven't cried much since his death - not even at the funeral. We were so close and I can't understand my reaction. Perhaps this is normal grief? I don't know because I've never had a major loss before. 

Hope it helps to hear that you are not alone 

Alice x 

Hi both

Please don't think you're inhuman you're certainly not. I lost my mother 9 months ago and to be honest with you it still does not feel real ro me. I still think I'll see my mother again. How can she be gone? I always knew where she was. I think that it's just so hard to get my head and my heart around the sheer enormity of not seeing someone I loved so whole heartedly ever again that my brain refuses to believe it.

It sounds like you were grieving before you lost your Dad. I know I did when my mother was ill I grieved for the person she was before cancer robbed her of  pretty much everything.  

However you grieve it is the way which is right for you. I was also extremely close to my mother, saw and spoke to her everyday. She more or less raised my two children so I could work. She was a true faithful constant presence in my life. I thought my world would end when she died. I haven't been how I thought I would be after losing her. I do cry and feel lost and when I do start to digest some of what has happened it hurts a lot but I haven't yet fallen apart. I think sometimes if I do start I will be unable to stop. I miss my mother with every part of my soul and I feel robbed for losing her and utterly devastated for my two children to be without her. I still think she should be here.

I question myself to the point of driving myself mad. How come I'm not crying all the time? How am I carrying on without my mother? Did I love her? Does she think I didn't care and love her. Comparing myself with my sister who is crying all the time and struggling. I know we did indeed both loved my mother so very much there is no doubt. I've tried to stop myself thinking because I don't wail for hours I don't care even though it's hard. I wish I had the answers myself I really do.

Try not to look to far into the future and get through day by day. If you feel you are not ready for work are you able to take some time off I know it can be difficult. Sometimes a routine can help as I've found with being back at work. I know we all cope differently but keeping busy has helped it is exhausting and sometimes relentless but please don't think how you are grieving is wrong. There's no step by step direction on how to do it although I wish there was. 

Take care both x x x

Hi Alice,

thankyou soo much for replying! I’m sorry to hear the loss of your father. Loads of people message on here and comment how everyone grieves differently, but this doesn’t stop me from questioning myself, as to why I’m feeling this way. 

I’m a bit like yourself, I haven’t had a major loss before a part from an aunt who passed away 5 years ago due to cancer - but I wasn’t close to her so they didn’t have much effect on me. But as for my daddy, I was extremely close to him and spent almost every day with him ( that I could anyway).

it gives me some piece of mind that I’m not the onltperoen that feels this way given the situation that we are in. So Thankyou! 

Best wishes, 

Becca x

hi Cwtch - I’m assuming you’re from wales because of your username, I am too ! 

First off, I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mother! Thankyou soo much for what you have commented on here it has really helped me, and has allowed me to be not soo harsh on myself especially when you said “ did I love her” that is something I have questioned myself because of the way I have been since all of this. Even though I know fully well that I worshiped my daddy!

thankyou soo much for your kind words. 

If either of you need someone to talk to, don’t hesiste to private message me! 

Sending hugs, 

Becca xx

Hi Rebecca

Yes I'm from wonderful Wales which part are you from? I'm South.

It's helped me greatly when I've read other people posting saying they haven't cried as much as they thought they would have so I had to reply. 

Same here I know I loved my mother or else why did I want to spend so much time with her it was because I wanted to I throughly enjoyed her company. Try not to be harsh on yourself your Dad would have known how much he meant to you be sure of that. 

You're welcome to private message me also

Lots of Love x x x

Hi Rebecca,

juat reading what you wrote is what I have felt and have been going through the last 7 weeks. I was the same just days even short weeks after my mum suddenly passed. I didn’t have much emotion not like how I was during her short time in Hospital before she was cruelly taken from us. You are not inhuman, with a loss of a parent among all dreadful losses in our lifetime, it’s got to be the most painful feeling around and we can’t possibly control our emotions or how we may react from day to day. I’m sorry to hear about your dad, he sounds like the father that my mother was to me. The best of friends. I’m just starting to really struggle now but my moods also are changing like the weather so I feel positive one minute then can’t get out of bed the next. We just got to find comfort in knowing  that there is a place for us all to come together and share our stories. I’ll be starting my first shift tomorrow after almost 3 months off and I’m petrified. But today I feel my mum is keeping me strong and I’ll go in and give it my best shot. 

Take care and I can be a good listener if you want to chat some more. 

Francesca Xx

hi cwtch, 

I’m also from the south! Near Newport.

people like yourself and this chat forum has really helped me, and has answered many questions of mine. I don’t like talking about my personal life to others so this being anonymous is great. 

Thankyou for your kind words, and sharing your story, it’s really appreciated.

Keep in touch.

all my best wishes,

becca xxx

Hi Francesca, 

thankyou soo much for messaging! And first of all, I am so sorry to hear about your loss! You’re right, my father was my best friend just like your mum was yours. It was heartbreaking to see my daddy suffer the way he did. And it is selfish of me to still want him here- even though he’d be suffering still. Life is very cruel! No one should have to go through this! 

If you was in a garden full of flowers, you’d pick the best one wouldn’t you? And that’s exactly what’s happened to my daddy and your mum. 

I can can relate to your mood swings. Mine are absolutely horrific. Like today for example- I had made plans to clean the house- put the hoover around and etc. What did I do? I layed in the bath for over half an hour and then venture from into the living room in which I stayed there all day. I know it’s not fair but I’m taking it out on my partner too, and he’s having to walk on eggs shells with me .. but I just can’t help it.

 I’m just like you, I don’t want to go back whatsoever, and I have yet to email one of the girls back regarding me going back.. I just don’t know what to say as things are still very raw. Loads of people on here say how our loved ones will help us through things and keep us strong. I wish you all the best for tomrorow, at the end of the day you can only try- and if you’re not ready you’re not ready and that’s not your fault. Just take it easy. 

Good luck and sending hugs! 

Becca xx

Yea you are absolutely right. It’s not selfish because I feel the same, I would have never let go of my mum’s hand but the suffering would destroy everyone and my mum was ready to be at peace. I couldn’t imagine dealing with the scenarios the half of all you lovely people have gone through. As bad as it sounds, it was quick and sudden for us but she fought a little harder than Doctors believed. That was enough, I couldn’t handle more but this part, the after shock, that’s just lonely. Hence the mood swings and I feel you, I’m surprised my partner hasn’t walked out but it’s even more difficult when people haven’t dealt with what you are going through right at this moment so I guess I’ve started to shut off which is why I started to write on here. My mum was who I spoke to and now that’s gone and I can’t bottle things up. Anyway, rambling off track. You do you and go back to work when you are ready. That’s the one thing I haven’t pressured myself to do, rush into anything. Some days that Hoover is out and others I shut the door and sit on my couch and pretend it’ll all do it itself. 

X x

Hi rebecca if your not up to going back to work go to see your gp he will probably sighne you off you cant work like this .your probably suffering from nervouse exhaustion they dont call them breakdowns anymore .you will not be able to get out of this on your own its to hard . But if your gps any good they should help if there unsympathetic go see another i know when i lost my partner if i hadnt just retired it would have been months and months for me and not safe .so please see your dr or you will never get out of this dark hole .paul