Poor you all = well he may surprise everyone - but usually the cancer team know what they are on about. This is a special time and you need to do and say to Dad what you need to before he becomes a 'patient'. Part of him probably knows its serious - and he has to come to terms with the situation as well. Its a natural process and normal really Much worse for those watching and caring.

He won't suffer - the team will supply drugs if needs be to ensure that. My dad was not to bad actually and slipped away in the night. He told us not to be concerned and that its was okay = he was "old-school". I found the whole process upsetting - but this is natural.

Best wishes to you all

Steven x

Redfox,

I read your post with alarm as not giving your Dad his prognosis is unethical and is wrong on so many levels. If this has happened in an NHS hospital in the UK his doctors are in breach of their own code of practice. "No decisions about me without me" should be their guiding principle unless he is formally being treated under the Mental Capacity Act with an assigned person to look after his interests due to Mental Incapacity.

It is grossly unfair of them to leave it to you to decide whether or not to break the news to him. You haven't been trained to do this and you will have enough emotional pressure on you without having to do their jobs for them.

It would be foolish of anyone online to try to guess the answers to your understandable questions. There are so many unknown factors which will affect the outcome. The only assurance I can give you from personal experience is that if he receives the appropriate pain control he won't feel any pain. He may be a bit confused and high on drugs but that should be the worst he will experience.  

Best wishes
Dave

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Hi

Its always difficult to know exactly what may/may not happen when the time comes for a loved one to die. From a personal point of view, though my husband knew his cancer was terminal from diagnosis, towards the end of his journey he did not not want to know 'how long'.  As Steven says, the medical team usually have a rough idea of how long and pain can be controlled both orally and also by automatic driver if needs be.  My husband was kept comfortable at home (at his request) and remained lucid until his passing, having spent the last few days with us keeping him company and the grandchildren playing around his bed which we had set up in the lounge. The doctor who visited the day before he died told me that he reckoned days rather than a week and in the end he passed away after the family had gone home and I was by his side, holding his hand.  It was comforting to be told by him that he had not feared death and we did our best to make good memories for him to take with him and for us to remember always..

Unfortunately I cannot answer the question 'what will he die of' but the doctors treating your Dad can discuss this with you if your Dad has given them permission to do so.  It is sometimes not until death has occured that we get all the answers we need to understand.  Jules54

Sorry to learn of your situation.

I can only tell you of my recent experience with my Dad.

The initial diagnosis was weeks rather than months to quote the specialists and the first hurdle was getting him home as he was in a high dependency unit at the time obviously very ill. They weren’t sure if he’d be well enough for the journey but happily (mostly down to his strength and determination) it became possible. To begin with he was every bit as ill as he had been but seemed to gain some relief and improve slightly simply from being home. From thereon in he slowly deteriorated, refusing or unable to eat although he did drink reasonably often. Throughout his spirits remained fairly high although Dad was always very a pragmatic person… it is what it is he would say. He was 78 and believed he had had a good life, not really taken care of himself and largely had a good time along the way. For nine weeks (far longer than we had expected) we spent what time we could with him, my Mom virtually every hour of every day although we had nurses to relieve her when we couldn’t be there during the week in order that she might try to get some sleep. Week ten saw a steep decline in his condition and there was very little awake time although during what there was he remained in good spirits, cracking jokes and attempting to make light of the situation. To this point he had not reported feeling any pain, at all only that he was obviously very tired. The last week, week eleven was tough. Dad suffered a lot of anxiety and agitation but thankfully his Doctor and the palliative carers had pretty much foreseen and predicted what would likely happen and roughly when and stepped in immediately to offer medicated relief. The fourth and third day before he passed then were mostly peaceful although two days before he started to complain of pain in what little time he was awake. His medication was increased as a result and shortly thereafter there was no more communication between us until he passed peacefully in the morning two days later.

There were a lot of tears, laughing, joking, smiles, hugs, kisses, and more tears between. I think I said and heard the words I love you more over the period of a couple of months than ever in my 46 years alive and that is OK and exactly how it should have been.

I miss my Dad dearly and would have done anything to stop what was happening, happening but learnt from him to face up to things, except that it was coming and to be ready to deal with it and when I was ready to start to move on. I wouldn’t say I am there yet but in the three weeks since he passed I have got beyond hurting between each and every heartbeat (it’s a start).

You likely have a difficult road ahead of you and a painful one but there are no certainties other than the inevitable and as hard as it is to accept we all eventually must face that reality. It is very much a journey and every bit as much a process and having recently gone through it I can only offer the following help… read as much as you can (I found it helped to understand what I/we/he were likely to experience), communicate as openly and best you can between you both and everyone else involved but allow him to lead, ensure you tell your nurses and his Doctor everything and if at any stage you are unsure or unhappy with what is going on but trust in them as best you can, be prepared as best you can, don’t be hard on yourself, even when you least think or feel it you will find strength but speak to others and get help, help yourself - take breaks, cry if you must, don’t expect too much, try to make every moment count - time goes by quickly, try not to be afraid.

Hello Redfox, so sorry to read about your Dad and the awful time you are having.Please go on to Fight Bladder Cncer forum.It is a closed group but will accept you.There are about 1300 of us there now, all at different stages, some good news stories and also sadly some bad news stories.Everyone is lovely and there is always someone to ask, there is also a professional in this field..I know this as I am going through the bladder cancer experience and didn't know where to turn.You will get lots of advice from real people going through it or their carer, have a look at least, wishing you best of luck Kim