Hello Matt1901; I am sorry your dad is declining now.  Are you the only carer or are there other family members also involved in your dad's care and the making of decisions?  If you (and your dad ) think that a hospice would be the right situation for him you could ask his doctor what is available locally and I imagine it will be okay if you go (by arrangement) to see if you consider it a good place for your dad to spend his final days.  They are generally good places and not full of doom and gloom as far as my limited experience of talking to those who have been to them tell me.  Of course if you (and he, and other family members) would prefer to keep him at home until the end well that is fine too.  Everyone has their own preferences.  If you choose the latter option you need to talk to your doctor about available services to arrange visits at home.  I hope that others will give you a response of personal experience involving a loved one and how they felt it had worked out.  Look up Hospice UK for more details.  Some come under the NHS and others are charities; but I am not personally anything like an expert and hope someone will give you some detailed information.  Best wishes.  Annie

My mum and brother have been helping with his care, I live a fair distance away.  He has carers come in also, they do the basics for him.

He’s been visited by a hospice nurse to discuss care, but would prefer to be at home.  From what I have read hospice care is offered when someone is expected to live less than six months, from what the oncologist said we don’t think he even has that.  It’s not all doom and gloom, after 41 years together, with a few breaks in between my mum and dad have decided they want to get married, so however long he has left they can spend it together.

I darent google but I want to know what to look out for, I can’t be there all the time but I want to be close when the time comes.

Hi Matt,

First of all, so sorry that you are having to go through this. It’s always a shock to hear that there isn’t anything else that can be done and the feeling of helplessness and despair can be overwhelming.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer 12 months ago. He stopped having treatment in November and has been in a hospice for the last week. Since being admitted he has just been asleep/unconscious and hasn’t woken up or really acknowledged we are there in the last 48 hours. From speaking to the nurses they have advised this is quite a normal part of the dying process. They have also told us that hearing are one of the last senses to go, so we have been sat speaking to him even though he is unable to respond.

It can be scary to google and find out what’s going to happen in a loved ones last weeks/days and I imagine that everyone has differences. In my experiences my dad stopped eating/drinking in the days leading up to going into the hospice. He was sleeping a lot (although still able to engage in conversation between his naps) on some days in the last weeks he was quite confused and having hallucinations (unsure if this is due to the morphine however) and experiencing quite a bit of pain. His muscles got weaker and he was unable to sit up or stand unaided.

If you want to make sure you are there just before/when he passes, Nurses and Doctors should be able to give their honest opinions on how close they think it is.

Look after yourself x

Hi again.  I have helped care for a few friends who were coming towards heir end of their lives; when my neighbour was terminally ill with cancer he gradually slowed down, stopped eating but was still able to talk to us until very near the actual end.  On the other hand, when my son's father died from cancer he was still very lucid and able to eat (not a lot) and drink; we spoke with him late one evening and in this case he died suddenly during the night which was a bit of a shock.  But I think in most case it is apparent when the end is coming.  As I heard someone remark however, it is so much easier than to talk about what will  happen and what should be done than to actually live through it and that is doubtless true. Don't be afraid of your emotions whatever they are.  I guess the overall message is don't delay too much and ensure that you say what needs to be said.  Be sure you have told your mum to let you know in good time when your dad is slowing down as you have to travel.    Such a sad time; but nice to hear your parents are tying the knot.  Annie

I can only speak of my own experience of seeing my dad die. I had never witnessed death or seen someone dead. It was far from what I imagined, dad slept more and more towards the end and refused food and drink. It was obvious his time was ending. The day he died was pretty peaceful apart for a seizure he had, the hospital gave him Valium. He died with myself, my sister and niece holding his hand and telling him how much we loved him . It was a natural process and wasn’t scary or gruesome in the slightest. There was no struggling for breath etc just natural slower breathing, we were relieved when he was gone as he could finally rest. We sat with him for two hours afterwards and talked and even laughed at things he had done during his life, I am so glad I had the privilege to be with him until the end. My once fear of death has now gone .

I’m writing this sat in a chair next to my dad’s bed in a hospice.  He had a massive seizure this morning, possibly one during the night and then another while the nurse was out to visit him, the latter continued for longer than ever.  At present he’s heavily medicated to stop the seizures so we can’t get a full picture of what’s going on but it doesn’t look like he’s got long left

Im giving you and your family strength at this time. It is hard beyond belief xx

So hard for you.  Hold your dad's hand and talk to him; they say that hearing is the last sense to go.  You are a good son.  Annie