Hello BrokenBob, I really feel for you in this situation.

Perhaps I could offer a viewpoint as a recent cancer patient (currently well) and as a carer for my husband, who more recently had a stroke. We're both 58, so not what you expect to be handling.

My sister lives a distance away. We were in regular contact by phone (about weekly) until I had my cancer diagnosis in February. Not long after that she found a new boyfriend and has hardly been in touch, phoning on one occassion in the 10 weeks since hubby had the stroke. ( She was aware of this as I'd messaged her.)

She told me she'd moved in with her boyfriend six weeks previously and that her house was up sale. I actually knew about her house already as I'd seen the sale advert two weeks previously and wondered when she'd tell me. Bear in mind she wasn't answering the phone, apparently as she was living with her man.

No explanation was offered for not passing on news earlier. Whether she thought I'd be too busy, or may be upset that she was happy,(why would I be?) I really don't know. It did feel like she was cutting me off. I wouldn't be overly surprised if I get a message to say they've got married, and didn't say anything as they knew we wouldn't be able to go to the wedding.

So for what it's worth, I think it's better to keep people updated with the bigger events in your life. Ask yourself how you'd feel if you didn't tell your bro you were getting married, and he passed away never knowing - or heard it from somebody else. Even if he feels sad he might not be there, I'd like to bet he'd be pleased by the news.

Best wishes

gamechanger

Hi there ...

If it were me, I'd drop everything to be with my sibling one more time ... you don't have to have things to say, just being there holding his hand one more time, will mean more then you know ..

But then I don't know how close you've been over the years .. but my sister's in late stage dementure .. she doesn't even remember who goes or what's said .. but we go any way, and tell her things even though she won't remember 10 minutes later, it just means we can tell her again .. 

I hope your at piece no mater what you decide .. and really only you can answer this .. we can only say what we'd do ... chrissie ...

Hi Bob.  So sorry about your brother; you don't say what his home circumstances are - does he for instance have a wife and family?  I think it is better to do too much than too little in these circumstances.   Tell your brother than you would like to spend time with him and would that be okay with him.  I have cared for a few friends with terminal cancer and have heard it said that they are being treated completely different since the diagnosis.  They are not told good news in case it upsets them.  They are not told bad news in case it  upsets them. One man told me it was awful having people tiptoe around him, both literally and conversationally.   Really they are the same person that they were before the diagnosis and treating them with kid gloves can just highlight their isolated situation.    So I should pick up the phone and invite yourself if appropriate.  Pardon me for being so direct but time may be of the essence now.  Best wishes.  Annie

Hi Broken Bob,

My response is very similar to the rest, the important thing is time together.

Don't stress yourself over what to say or what not to say, this is your brother, you presumably know each other and it will come to you when you're together.

I know that if I am to have to leave my loved ones I want to know that their lives are going well, that they have things to look forward to and I would be gutted if a sibling didn't tell me about the good things going on in their life.  Sadly your brother will be at peace soon enough, he won't have any worries, so his biggest concern may well be those of you that still have to persist with life!  Also, it will give both of you something to talk about and focus on.  He may have brotherly advice he desperately wants to give you for the big day.

Sadly some people do change how they treat you when you have cancer and it is frustrating.  My best friend didn't tell me he was having panic attacks because "it's nothing compared to what you're going through", my husband has only just learned that he can't omit to tell me he's got a migraine just cause I've got cancer.  I suffer from both, I know how debilitating they are and I can, and am keen to, help if my loved ones are suffering in that way.  Even with cancer we still love our loved ones and want them to be well and happy, and there are plenty of ways in which we can still support them in that if they'd let us!

I understand your concern but try not to overthink it, just have some time with your brother and let converastion flow.  Sorry I'm rambling with chemo brain, but just spend time with your brother and be brothers together (whatever that involves for you both).  And remember that your good news could be a valuable lift in spirits for him.

LJx

Drop everything, go with your instinct and be with your brother. I’m very sure you would rather be looking back on awkward silences then what ifs x

As others have said, it's hard not knowing your relationship, but I'd say go spend time with him, be yourself, share your exciting stories but also share your feelings. Don't risk regrets. My husband hated people tip toeing round him, he just wanted to be normal, chat and hear what they were up to. Having reflected a lot, he was also able to have the harder conversations with those who were brave enough, and he cherished them. Best of luck in navigating the times ahead. It won't be easy but I wish you strength and comfort x