Reading your message I feel although it hasn't been the same timescale as yourself I can understand and feel the same. I will only be 1 year in May from my Mum passing away and November this year it will be 1 year for my Dad. I lived with my Mum and she was my whole world so regarding my Mum's passing it has hit me more than my Dad, although I miss my Dad so much but its just not the same.

I'm so sorry for what your going through and I don't think its abnormal in any way. When we think how many years our Mums were in our lives so what is 2 years? Nothing. In fact if we feel slightly numb to them going for the rest of our lives I don't even think that is wrong. Death is brutal and I have thought about this so much since Mum passing. They are there every day of our life, every day, then they are gone and no matter where we look we can never find them again on this earth. Its absolutely brutal and there is nothing similar to it. They are here then they are gone. I can't accept it in its total form. I know she is gone as you say about your Mum but accepting that we will never see, talk, hug them again in this life well I just don't know if I can ever accept this and like yourself I feel numb to that in a way.

I think when something is just too overwhelming and too painful to face we push those feelings aside slightly and we do protect ourselves. Its self protection from the most horrid, awful pain we can ever imagine. I'm like you - I block a lot out. There was a day last week when I was really thinking about never seeing Mum again in my time here and I had the most scary panic attack I think I have ever experienced so I take from this that maybe for me it is better to be a bit numb, to block some things because I dont want to feel like that on a regular basis, I think I would have a complete breakdown.

Maybe for you the blocking it out is all part of how you will slowly heal. 2 years is no time. I have heard people say after 10 years they don't feel much different. I think what you are doing is protecting yourself and maybe over time, bit by tiny bit you will feel the grief and pain of losing your mum and then block it out again and so on. If that is your way there is nothing wrong with that because everyone's journey is different, we are all unique and no grief is the same. I do feel we are experiencing similar though because I know I am blocking my feelings although I cry every day I just know there is a block and I think its for the best. I think its just too much pain for you to face right now so you are doing what you can do. I think you feel everything but your mind is blocking it all out to protect you from being overwhelmed and that is probably what many of us also feel. 

I also can relate when you say about disconnected from your Mum. I think because of the devastation of my Mum passing away I have disconnected from the whole experience which at times makes me forget even Mum's voice and so many memories are hazy. We were best friends so it's not because we weren't close, we had an unbreakable bond. I think that disconnection comes from total heartbreak and how we can cope with it. 

I think everything you say is totally understandable and so many of us will be able to relate to. 2 Years is just no time in grief. Take your time on this, do what your body and mind tells you because I think its allowing you to cope in a timescale that is right for you. People tend to think after 1 year and so on that we should be 'moving on' and to that I say RUBBISH! Yes we can and do continue with our life but grief stays alongside us and moving on is not something I can agree with. I just think over a long, long time we become more use to carrying that heavy saddness, heartache and devastation along with us. Your not alone with these feelings. We are here anytime you need to talk. take good care of yourself.

CJ

I am so so sorry to hear about your mam and what you're going through right now. There's no words to make someone feel better at that time.

But know you're not alone. I lost my mom October 2021 she was only in her early 40's. I am only 24.

min not going to say it gets easier because it's completely different for every single person. But for my experience I roared and cried on her funeral then went absolutely normal with my life for few weeks and guilt was eating my away that I lived my life normally. But come few weeks after that's when it started to hit me, when birthdays came, Christmas, Easter, when I made a dinner that she'd always make when my son started school started talking got potty trained their the kind of times I just bursted into tears or sometimes I'd be sitting down and just burst into tears out of no where thinking how unfair that is and I just think to myself "I actually don't have a mom anymore" and it just breaks me but then other times when I find myself doing things the way she would have I find myself smiling because a part of her will always and forever live in me.

and the same goes with you, your mam is always and forever with you she lives within you. And she wants you to be happy.

It's not that it'll ever get easier but you'll learn to live with it and you'll cherish all the moments spent with her and what I find helpful is talking about her a lot. Keeping her memory alive. My son is only 3 he was so little when she passed but when he sees photos of her he says "that's my nana" because I don't let him forget about her. For me and for him and for her. From when he was little I have thought him that his nana is up in the sky and now whenever he sees a plane flying and whoever he's with he just goes "that's where my nana is up high with the planes" and it's beautiful to just keep her memory alive.

sorry for going on such a long rant but just know you're not alone and if you ever need to talk I'm here cause it can me hard. And sometimes talking to someone who hasn't had such a loss is just not the same as toaking to someone who did.

Here if you need a chat.

take care of yourself.

vicky xx