Hello terril; I have been reading your previous post as well as this one.   Forgive me if I have misunderstood anything in your post;  wondered if you too were Italian in which case you are doing remarkably well.  But forgive me if I am getting things mixed up.  Were you against your husband having stem cell treatment because of the risk involved (in which case you were right).  But of course it did have to be his own decision; please don't blame the children who probably felt they had to help him as he wanted to do this.  It must have been a difficult time for them; please try to talk to them to understand what happened..   I am very saddened that you have tried to kill yourself and I would urge you not to suffer on your own.  If there is no-one close to you with whom you can talk through your feelings you should ring The Samaritans.  It is a Freefone number 116123 in the UK.  I don't actually know for a fact that you are living in the UK .  I don't speak or read Italian so don't know what is available if you are there but if you ring 112 (this seems to be an emergency number across Europe) you will be given guidance. Terril, please come back and tell us a bit more about your situation and indeed anything you wish to talk about.  There are many people who have come to this forum following tragic events and I am sure some will be happy to talk to you.  Annie

Hi THANKYOU for your reply I am Italian but lived up. North then at 16 moved south London met my next door neighbour who was from Italy  married him straight away just new he was the one even though 20 years older yes so against it he was so lucky to get to remission he was riddled with cancer but to beet the odds at 69 and make it home then go for stem Cell treatment just broke me I begged him not to cried at him even told him he is selfish when he new with his other health problem lungs it was a slim change of survival I had already had to strokes did even lay that on him so bad to do that's how desperate was its like he was the man that took me into women hood teach me the reel Italian family way of life now family all dead just me and children even 2 of my children have died got thought that but can't get though this never got to say goodbye he went straight into coma 35 years together not even got to say goodbye I love you and THANKYOU for my life I just want to be together when he was home we had a packed if one died both would now I feel like traitor  that I'm still alive and did not succeed to be with him even though I am ill myself given 5 years but 3 gone already he was my protector  I no I will not survive without him what do you do? I have told my children I blame them because I told them the risk at there ages they should have seen he would not survive  now they say they all regret helping him  but that does not help  I have a job to stop myself from saying now live with it you could have listen to me own the quilt 

Hello again terril; thank you for getting back to us and giving more information about your life.  I can understand that your husband and yourself must have been more distressed than I can imagine.   Did he talk to you about his reasons for doing this - I can only imagine he wanted to clutch at anything that might extend his life.  It is perhaps unreasonable to expect that you would both die at the same time; I know it sounded like a good idea at the time but what an effect this would have on the rest of  your family - to lose both parents in this way.  Forgive me if I sound to be lecturing you; I know nobody can understand another person's feelings and I understand that you are terminally ill yourself.    Please consider making things all right with your children who must be very upset now.  It was perhaps wrong of him to get your children to help him behind your back but don't loosen the bonds with your children.  You may be pleased to have their love and companionship as your own health deteriorates.  I imagine they are already suffering from a lot of guilt.  I hope you will keep coming to this forum and talk to us about how you are coping.  Annie

Hi terril,

I am glad you have received such a lovely reply from Annieliz and I hope that you will find some comfort in talking to our lovely forum members. Many here can relate to how you are feeling and have lost the love of their life and your message made me think of one of our members [@Paulus]‍ and many others here who will totally understand how you are feeling at the moment. I hope you will get to chat to others on the forum who have been through this and that you can find some comfort in being there for one another.

Annieliz has already given you the details of Samaritans and don't hesitate to contact them if it ever gets too much and you need someone to talk to - their line is open 24h a day. I also thought I'd share this link with you from our website on Coping with Grief. 

We're all here for you any time you need to talk.

Best wishes,

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Annie THANKYOU for yor kindness we did diguss it over the six weeks he was home after stem cell were collected he kept saying he was going to do it no matter what I said or do then after fist collection went wrong he said would not do it again I was so happy behind his back but pretended to be upset to his face which was wrong I know  but the fact that my ownchildren new he was going again pack his bag and hid it then another one met him the other end and helped him I had to run to that hospital after my eldest told me what they had all done and then it was me who there 24/7 again though the treatment washing him doing everything for him feeding him iam now sitting here with to of my lads that visited h5 times all time he was in there telling me do something this weekend so I don't think at his anniversary but all I can see is the betrayal and what went on in that hospital that put in a coma and what waiste of life I wish he had just died the night he was only hours to life but I begged and pleaded withe doctors to do something and they brought another doctor in and he agreed to give ago againt all odds at his age as they put he got to remission oh why oh why did he not leave it then at funeural his sisters called me a murderer for not agreeing with him  then after he died people told me he has gone to them and said good bye did he plan it I will never no my head just goes over and over again everything did I do something wrong did he think he was better of dead

Hi terril let me say how sorry i am that you are in torment grief carries with it anger and guilt and we can get stuck .from what iv read your husband wanted so much to live and be with you that he would have done anything to do it. I have .to say if my dad had asked me to go with and help him i would  i  think that if the people carrying out the triels would not have done it the second time if there had not been some chance i beleive my liz would have done anything to live as she loved me so much she said to me i dont want to die but it was hopless . When you grieve you get every emotion there is hitting you at once and we go a bit crazy we dont think straight after we are lost all the things liz did for me seemed insurmountable but slowly i have started to do these things myself so you can manage but it takes time .i have no doupt your husband had to told you kids not to tell you so what could they do if you had asked them the same ime shure they would have done it for you . If your dad had asked you hypothecticaly say would you have done the same . Anger is good in grief so long as its directed at the right thing and in this case its the cancers to blame for everything .your kids must be in torment now as they were in the middle of all this all they realy did is do what there dad asked them to do in hindsight we all would do things diffrently but we are human and do what we think is right at the time. at this time familys should stick together to support oneanother not fight it serves no perpose and the small bit i know of italian families they realy stick to .you might think what does he know but i do i know you feel betrayed at the moment theres only one betrayel and its that rotton evil disease cancer .i dont know if you have had bereavement counciling i did it and thought this is doing no good but slowly over the months ive felt better .but of course its your desision . Anger and hate takes the pain away but only for a while then it becomes the problem .i do hope you can get some piece in your life i to lost the love of my life but ime slowly coming through it best wish .paul ps if you had taken your life god forbid then cancer would have taken to lives .

Hi again.  I am so pleased Paulus has contacted you also  I liked his point of view - I think he is right to say that it is cancer that is the bad guy here; none of this would have happened if cancer was taken out of the situation.  You and your family would not be suffering in your different ways.  Your husband's sisters calling you a murderer for not agreeing with him; that is just horrible.  I realise they must be upset too but that is unacceptable and so unfair.  Did you get on well with your husband's family when he was alive?  I don't think you - or indeed your children - have done anything wrong; you all did what you felt was best in a very difficult and emotional situation.  We cannot put the clock back but you can perhaps start to understand why they felt they had to help their dad.  Please don't think I want to add to your grief - on the contrary I am so pleased you have come here and are talking to us,  Paulus' suggestion of grief counselling is not a bad idea at all - there is charity called Cruse Bereavement Care whom you can ring on 0808 808 1677 - this is a freefone number; they can talk to you on the phone, or by email or face to face - whichever you prefer.  Don't spend the rest of your life in bitterness, terril.  Please.  Annie

Thank you for your message I understand I must be coming across as some nut job but I though my treeatment for six months  in bin because hospital was a specialist and they said to stay I coul not take controlled drugs in while I lived in that hospital never leaving his side had to stop morphine  blood thinners plus lots of other drugs I had already had two stokes and 1cardic arrest yes he saved my life with kids then told me he loved so much he could not live without me then he got cancer tables turned I saved his life  he put wait back on hair grew back he looked his old self yes I feel completely betrayed my boys new fom my crying me telling them even begging them to stop incourging him to go  they new he had little chance of survival this way I have lost to boys already but the pain was ok because I had my husband to help me but no one to help with this pain my sister in laws called me a murder told my children they are no longer welcome luckily they are old enough to not care so my mother in law died then my husband few moths after then my foster mum then a aunt all last year from cancer i. Did try very hard to end it was in coma 4 days  but now I have it thrown at me all the time  my life was my husband and all I think about is that hospital what my kids did  and he could not have loved me or he would not gamble with his life when he died I was 4 stone  I did it all to keep him alive he though it all away  I'm very sorry for your loss my heart is with you x

Annie THANKYOU but I can't help it I thought the loss of my 2 boys was going to break me but with him I made it so my year is anniversary birthdays without all of them I never celebrated my birthday as it was the same as my dead son now all I got is 30 years of pain and heartache and feeling of betrayal by everyone  yes Italian family do stick together but can't be with people that blame me his sisters did not visit him once till he was in a coma  he did everything for them so did I when one had cancer 3 times we look after her  no where to be found when I told them about there brother it eats me up with anger  now you all now why I think life was not worth it my whole life was my husband I feel so broken 

Hi 

terril i can tell your still very raw my partner lizs daughter said in anger to me if mum dies its my fault .she had no idea what i did for liz and liz nearly cut her off she was so angry . her daughter was so appolegetic after she found out how i could get liz fast treatment and freely admits as did liz she would have died four years earlier im telling you this so you know that your not alone in this liz had first chemo monday had massive stroke friday got her to hospital and having brain scan in thirty minutes but because she had chemo she couldnd have the drug to clear the clott and because of stroke .no more chemo .she contracted sepsis and died sunday morning but to me spsis was a blessing because liz would have died at home half paralised and in great pain at home.but i can tell you this if she would have had the chance of life like your husband she would have taken it not because like think about your husband because she didnt want leave me because she loved me thats how ime looking at it so diffrently from you.as you travel through your greif you will see either that or its a life of missery and anger but you sound like a very strong and caring lady so you will eventualy get through it and have memorys of the loving husband that did his best not to leave you best wishs paul ps i have three brothers and tree sisters and only two of my brothers have been supportive i was realy angry with them .but now ime past that and feel sorry for them i think maybe because i let go of my anger ive traveld through my grief much quicker i am still very sad and lonely but i expect that as ive lost my soul mate but ime ime not letting this cancer make me a victim to .i dont think your a nut job at all your grieving in your own way