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Total loneliness

4 Jul 2018 20:30

Hi lost the love of my life 29th april from chatting to liz to within an hour the dr was asking me about resusitation she had cancer but she had a stroke she died in little over two days ime finding the utter loneliness is getting worse and nothing will fill it normaly i can take anything thrown at me but this is diffrent . Its getting worse think i had put so much into keepingg liz going that it just about finnished me does it ever let up this grief or is that it now 

Total loneliness

4 Jul 2018 20:54 in response to Paulus

Hello Paulus; our paths have crossed in an earlier post.  I think that when the shock of a loved ones death has passed and you have dealt with the funeral and all the other things that need to be done you suddenly find there is nothing else you can do except be lonely.  Are you in contact with your sister?  Have you friends who will try to help you through this rotten time; are friends of Liz keeping in touch?  Sadly I don't think there is any avoiding the horrendous time when your life stretches ahead of you without the person you love; the love never dies but the pain can last far too long.  Grief does ease but it has to be gone through; have you considered grief counselling?  Perhaps in the future you could put your awful experience to use by volunteering for Cancer Research or MacMillan and helping others who are going through the same awful time?  I am very conscious that nothing I can say is going to help you at this time but please stay with this website and share your feelings.  Annie

Total loneliness

4 Jul 2018 21:33 in response to Annieliz

Thank you ime having a bad week although liz and lived together we both owned our own houses and evey week or to we would go over to lizs then back to mine it was like going on holiday .we had our tourer caravan at lizs sunday i had to go and empty it as cant bare to use it now .liz spread out at my house making it a home .but since she died its all got so messy memorys everywhere .losing a partner is a diffrent grief you dont go home with you wife because shes gone your best friend gone so theres a massive void you cant fill the one you could talk to if you feel sad is gone so in an instant your whole future and everything stops dead my adult children have done there best as to my siblings 1 out of 6 has done his best .but the others have been such a let down thats what i said about not just friends but siblings can be toxic. Especialy after the help ive given them but like i said about my sister i would still help her if she was in trouble but dont want any contact with her and ime afraid some of the others are going the same way .why sit and wait for visits texts etc hoping they will ring when they dont. When you lose a partner there is no one that can fill that gap so the loneliness is horrendous but it also brings anxiaty to i used to chat to criss but not heard from her shes always here helping people but not heard her on here either so ime hoping shes ok .but i realy appreciate your reply means a lot to me  .regards p

Total loneliness

5 Jul 2018 00:17 in response to Annieliz

Hi ime sorry how rude of me how are you getting on i remember you were having a rough time with your loss?Sometimes we forget we are so wrapped up in our own grief .regards p

Total loneliness

5 Jul 2018 07:38 in response to Paulus

What a nice man you are.  Don't worry about me - my losses are further behind me than yours.  I still feel pangs from time to time - my mum, my son's dad, relatives, friends, neighbours, colleagues - how many people cancer seems to take!  The great thing about this forum is that people who are suffering can reach out to each other even when in the depths of their own suffering - nobody needs to feel totally alone because of the kindness here.  And you are a shining example Paulus.  Sad about some of your siblings but you are right to say you would always help them if needed and not bear grudges; it is when people start playing tit for tat that relationships become irreparably damaged.  You are the better man.  Annie

Total loneliness

5 Jul 2018 09:08 in response to Annieliz

Well thankyou ime glad your getting on ok . Regards p

Total loneliness

5 Jul 2018 22:08 in response to Paulus

Hi Paul. I'm so sad to hear you aren't getting on too well these days. I've never lost a best friend/partner so I can't relate. But as you know, I lost my mom May 17th so our losses happened very close to each other. I find that some days are much much harder than others, without a doubt.

Yesterday I was pretty much in the dumps all day. No motivation to do anything, apart from dragging myself out to do groceries.

But today I woke up feeling ok. Have been very productive, done lot's of cooking, a bit more groceries, and will be heading over to our condo pool soon (it's 33 degrees here today) to cool off. Today I have been able to keep busy and I think that is key.

I realize now, that realistically, I'll probably never "get over" losing my mom. It will always be a background noise, the grief, in my life. 

But I think trying to do what is best for ourselves is key. I think before the grief, it was too easy to just have bad days and ride them out. But now, the bad days are a lot more painful and I think it means that we will have to work much harder from now on to find ways to ease the pain. 

Whether it's cooking, going for a walk, going to the cinema (even if it means going alone - I did it twice when my mom was near the end and it helped me a lot. But it should be a comedy, nothing depressing), what ever you find pleasure with in life, you have to somehow get out there and have it. 

I find that when I am alone at home, and not doing anything, all I do is think about my mom. I have the rest of my life to think about her, and remember her, and the memories will never go away. But for now, to get through these early days, we just have to focus on our own well being I think.

I'm so sorry. I know it's horrible. I really hope that you can have some ok days soon, and maybe even some good days before long to help ease the pain. All the best. 

Total loneliness

5 Jul 2018 22:38 in response to Serapine8

Hi i can say this the pain you arw suffering now will turn into happy memories ive been through losing mum and dad and i just remember them with fondness our brains protect us it blures everything for a while thats why our memories mess up and we forget things otherwise we would all go mad .sounds like your getting a little bit better and coping more ime so glad for you . today has not been to bad for me but it keeps creeping back like you I' have tried to keep busy but mid evening gets to me and first thing when i wake up .i dont know how you feel about this i think its the anxiaty that gets to you rather than the grief itself .but will both get there .we have to its been 25 degrees here and everyones swelltering .uk brits spend most of our time talking about the rain and complaing about the weather so now we are lost for words lol .i had been emptying our caravan last week and other things and it realy slammed me .its like stood in sea with your back to the water and every now and then a big wave hits you .the caravan was a big wave but ime back up spluttering .i thank you its so nice when i get a kind word makes me feel less alone .regards p

Total loneliness

5 Jul 2018 23:08 in response to Serapine8

Ps theres t little poem.a daughter is daughter all her life a son is a son untill he takes a wife. 

Total loneliness

6 Jul 2018 02:18 in response to Paulus

Yes, sadly there will always be triggers I think. I have days where I'm ok. But then, something will hit. Like the other day I was going through my moms mail and it was mostly things from charities she had donated to. But it started to get me down a bit, because it was things like talking about all the animals that are dying, and refugees suffering, blind people etc. But then suddenly I came across a letter informing my mother of a doctors appointment in February. She was in the hospital at the time, so never got the letter - instead the hospital got notified and I went to the appointment with her. That was the day she was diagnosed with metatastic cancer and told it wasn't curable. Seeing that little reminder slammed me so hard I just lost it. I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my life. A bit like when you are a kid and you can't stop laughing over something and your belly starts to hurt. Like that, only the complete opposite. 

It must be really hard because she half lived with you, so her presence is all around. I'm not sure how I feel about the reminders. For now, reminders for me tend to be triggers for pain. 

And yes, the anxiety doesn't help. I'm a bit of an anxious person to begin with though, so in a way feeling this way feels somewhat normal, sadly. 

Btw I lived in England for five years over a decade ago. I certainly do remember the weather! Thankfully it never got as hot as this (or as cold in the winters) but the rain did get a bit annoying at times. Particularly on days when it looked bright and sunny and we'd pack a picnic only to arrive at our spot and then it would chuck it down!!! LOL

 

Total loneliness

6 Jul 2018 03:40 in response to Serapine8

Yes triggers is the word for the anxiety ime same ime not ashamed to say it ive howled like a banshee for liz to its a built in safty valve liz and i lived together all the time never apart we were together five and half years  but we packed in more love and caring than some do in a lifetime we were very lucky i wouldnt have missed it we couldnt get married as she would have lost her large pension and at our ages it didnt seem important so we lived in sin lol  .yes uk you wouldnt beleive the place now has it gone down hill ime dreading brexit . Yes anxiatys like a slow panick attack i just sit it out and think about liz and things have a blubb and then your ok till the next blubb .but we will both be ok ime sorry you dont have someone to support you in your grief or you have not mentioned anyone  thats why it hurts so much more .yes on a lighter note ive spent many times barbicuing under a brollie ha ha but this summer has been great so far weatherwise there will be hosepipe bans next . Anyway hope you have a lovely day and be kind to yourself take your time with correspondence. from some of the wierd thing ive had i know liz is around now and then and am shure your mum is to mother is god in the eyes of a child and are we not still kids at times in our hearts thank goodness. Regards paul

Total loneliness

6 Jul 2018 09:00 in response to Paulus

I have found that triggers still happen even years after someone has died.  It is still painful to go to places where my son's father and I went on holidays when our son was a youngster.  Things like that.  Best to just remember how happy those things were and not let them make you feel that your stomach and guts are being held in a vice-like grip.  You're right about the weather but being British I can still complain about it - it is too hot sometimes!  Annie

Total loneliness

6 Jul 2018 09:38 in response to Annieliz

Hi at the moment i can only remember lizs last two days in hospital going round in my head it all happend so quick and slow at the same time . Ive seen what cancer can do a stroke can do and sepsis can do all at once . They say nhs pays out billions in compensation and ive seen why .they are just to slow with investigations then when it all goes wrong they disappear into to woodwork and carry on again like nothing has happend .regards p

Total loneliness

6 Jul 2018 15:48 in response to Paulus

I know, it's a shame because it's great to have free health care, but the waiting times are devastating. 

You have to know that you did everything you could for Liz. It must have been quite a shock for it all to happen so fast. 

Things happen very slowly with our system too. Which is a very bad combination when it's a fast acting cancer. 

Is there any way you might be eligible for some compensation? Do you feel that the hospital and/or staff neglected Liz's treatment?

Total loneliness

6 Jul 2018 15:51 in response to Annieliz

Hi silly me of course you can complain  with being a brit i beleive its written in the magna carter that any british born subject may complain about the weather in any country they reside lol regards p