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The pain of losing my mum.

9 Mar 2018 23:09

I lost my mum last September just 2 months after diagnosis, and have felt numb ever since. I threw myself back into work and have tried to keep myself as busy as possible. Since Chistmas I have been a bit up and down. I have times when I cry for hours and then I go back to feeling numb again. I have also been having panic attacks. It just doesn't seem fair as she has only just turned 60.

The pain of losing my mum.

10 Mar 2018 00:27 in response to Jolley

Hello jolley.  Welcome to this forum. I am sorry you lost your mum at a comparatively early age and so quickly too.  There are no time limits for grief an everyone goes through this in their own way.  I attach some information from this website.

http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/coping/dying-with-cancer/af...

I have found that even when you think you are learning to live with the loss of a loved parent grief can suddenly come back and bite you.   I hope your family, friends and colleagues understand this and are supportive.  It helps if other people understand what you are going through.  My mum was 70 when she died of cancer and I thought that even that was too young in this day and age as she had still been getting about and enjoying her life before becoming ill.

I imagine that for most people there is no sudden cut-off point for grieving.  As well as feeling sadness you will hopefully relive happy times and smile about something that you enjoy.  If you feel that your grieving is affecting your ability to copy with everyday life you might find it helpful to talk tp a counsellor.  Cruse Bereavement Care is the most well-known charity who provides help with grieving although I know there can be a wait to obtain counselling as they are in demand.   Their Freefone number is 0808 808 1677.  There is however another charity called The Loss Foundation who provide help to anyone grieving for the loss of a loved one to cancer.  I am attaching their website as that is where I have found the information about them.  Their tel. no. is 0300 200 4012.  I have looked up the costs of 0300 numbers as I was not sure about them and I read "The law says that calls to 0300 numbers must be included as part of a customers "free minutes" package and any other call cost reduction package.  All UK telephone operators including mobile phone and landline operators all comply to this law."

https://www.thelossfoundation.org/

Best wishes.  Annie

 

The pain of losing my mum.

10 Mar 2018 09:03 in response to Annieliz

Hiya Annieliz. I'm very sorry to hear about your mum. 70 is also too soon to be taken. Thank you so much for responding and the advice attached. I've always thought going to talk to someone wasn't my thing or wouldn't help, but I really feel now that I need to at least try. My family and friends are brilliant, but I feel horrible putting on them as they have their own issues, including the loss of mum. Thank you again xxx

The pain of losing my mum.

11 Mar 2018 20:06 in response to Jolley

Hi jolley, I lost my mum (58) in August 2017 so we are in a similar situation. It’s hard I was off work for a while but at Christmas I broke down and wasn’t off again suffering with panick attacks and unable to sleep. I’m writing this on my first mother’s day without her and it is hard. People tell you that it gets easier but it definitely doesn’t. I hope you are looking after yourself and I totally understand, I am here if you ever need someone to talk to. 

The pain of losing my mum.

12 Mar 2018 07:54 in response to rhirhi06

Hiya Rhirhi06. I’m very sorry to hear about the loss of your mum and at such a young age. I’m also sorry that you have been feeling the same way. People keep telling me it gets easier but it hasn’t for me. Maybe it’s early days for us both, but I definitely don’t feel it. If anything it’s even harder. The panic attacks are awful arent they? I’ve had 2 in work and I felt so embarrassed. The stress of work just tipped me over. I went back to work about 4 weeks after to keep busy. I thought that was enough at the time, but now it’s getting hard to keep the brave face. Yesterday was awful. I think about her and miss her everyday but yesterday just highlighted the fact she is no longer here. I don’t know about you, but I feel people have forgot it happened or feel awkward talking about it. I’m not asking for overboard hugs and kisses just a how are coping or talk about mum. It’s nice to talk to someone who understands. Thank you for posting.

The pain of losing my mum.

20 May 2018 21:59 in response to Jolley

Hi Jolley,

Sorry for the late reply. How are you? 

I completely understand. It definitley does not get any easier. How i feel at the moment is that it's getting harder. I am exactly at that stage where people seem to have forgotten and expect me to be normal. This last week has been terrible, i've been crying in work and i dont know about you but im an ugly crier and cant hide it well my eyes are red and puffy for hours afterwards and people just ask me if i have hayfever, and like you its not that im looking for attention its just people dont seem to understand or expect that i am still grieving. 

I hope you are well

 

 

The pain of losing my mum.

20 May 2018 22:44 in response to rhirhi06

Hiya Rhirhi06, it's nice to hear from you again. I'm so sorry it has been hard this week. It's understandable considering what you have gone through. It's better to get it out, keeping it in will only make things worse. You shouldn't have to explain really at work, they should know and understand instead of putting it down to hayfever. They must have short memories, as it hasn't been long at all since your loss. I don't think people fully get it until they have gone through it themselves. I'm still trying my best to get on with things, but sometimes it is harder to pretend. I still feel as if it's getting worse as the months pass. A song or memory of her just starts me off crying and yes I'm the same messy cryer you are. Really wish I had some comforting words for you. I do feel this forum helps though just writing down how I feel and knowing someone is listening and understands xxx

The pain of losing my mum.

31 Mar 2019 00:02 in response to Jolley

Hi jolley

How are you? Hard time of year with all the cards and flowers, can’t avoid it. I don’t know about you but I am finding it harder this year, but things in my life have changed so much I almost feel guilty for somewhat moving on with the changes that are happening if you understand! I hope you are doing well, and hope to hear from you. 

The pain of losing my mum.

31 Mar 2019 07:02 in response to rhirhi06

Hiya rhirhi06,

Really nice to hear from you again.

I've been the same over mother's day. I thought maybe being the 2nd one without her would have been a little easier, but I am finding it really difficult.

I don't know if it's just me being sensitive but there just seems to be more and more adverts, emails etc about it this year. I feel like it's been rammed down my throat. I nearly cried in the card shop when the lady asked did I want any mother's day chocolates that were on offer, typically I needed to get a card for someone leaving at work, otherwise I would have stayed well clear.

With regrads to moving on, it's just life I suppose. You can't just stay still and I'm sure your mum wouldn't want you to do that or feel guilty about it either. Good and bad will happen and you can't change that, you'll never foget her or stop loving her so she's always with you. I do understad though. I'm one of those people who say not to worry or feel bad and then do it myself ha ha ha.

Thank you for messaging, I think I needed that more than I realised xxx

The pain of losing my mum.

1 Apr 2019 23:42 in response to Jolley

Hi I hope your okay. I lost my mum on the 3rd of March and she was a young age of 39. Life can be so cruel sometimes but we just have to keep on going and thinking what they would want from us. Numbness is the worst feeling as I’d rather feel sad but everybody’s deals with it different so don’t feel like your doing any wrong x

The pain of losing my mum.

17 Jun 2019 00:23 in response to axxx1

Hi axxx1,

I am so sorry for your loss. 

I have just come across your post and I can totally relate to how you are feeling.  My dearest beautiful Mum passed early hours Saturday morning of the 25th May 2019. Its only been 3 weeks. My Mum was 79, she had dementia and was bed bound. Although we knew she was not going to be with us much longer.. it still was a huge shock. Like yourself... I felt and still feel numb! Iv been questioning myself... am I normal... am I cold hearted? Iv come to this one comforting conclusion... God has given me and my family such strength. I thought I would lose the plot.. go off the rails.. be inconsolable. I now know my Mum prayed for us to be given an inner strength to cope. I still cry everyday but I know in my heart shes happier now... in a better place... flying high. Your still grieving in your own way. You just have been given an inner strength to cope with the grief 

The pain of losing my mum.

17 Jun 2019 00:35 in response to Jolley

Hi Jolley,

So sorry for your loss. 

I have just lost my Mum and feel exactly the same.  Theres nothing wrong with feeling numb. I have been questioning myself these past 3 wks as I lost my Mum on the 25th May 2019. I feel numb.. I feel I should be crying more although I do cry everyday... mostly in a morning or when I m in bed. I thought I would lose the plot when my Mum would leave us all. Infact I'm the opposite.  You see we are given an inner strength to cope with our grief. We all deal with loss in our own way.  Dont be too hard on yourself xx

The pain of losing my mum.

9 Jul 2019 09:41 in response to Jolley

Hi I do hope that things have got a bit better for you, I think personally it helps to remember it's ok to not feel ok, your mum was your world, she taught you to love and can never be replaced, ride with it Hun it's a painful journey. All the very best 

The pain of losing my mum.

9 Jul 2019 09:42 in response to Sasha45

Wise words we all cope in different ways, take care 

The pain of losing my mum.

12 Jul 2019 05:03 in response to Jolley

I too have lost my mum to terminal Breast Cancer and she was only 69 when she died on the 7th April 2019 which is 4 days after my birthday so was quite cruel on me.

I think about Mum every day and sometimes I can not help but cry. I also do have my anxiety problems but have family and friends to support me.

Remember to stay strong and its useful to talk to someone even counselling helps when you feel down.

Take good care of yourself.

The pain of losing my mum.

14 Jul 2019 19:56 in response to LightofHeaven00

I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your mom , all too soon ... I praise the strength you have to continue . 

I lost my mom on 26-6-19 at age 61 to cancer . 6 weeks after being diagnosed she was gone ... 

the numbness as you all say lasts a long time . I don’t know if this is me dealing with the loss and greif or I’m waiting for it to kick my ass in weeks to come ! 

i cry every day , sometimes you think you can handle it then it just wipes the floor with you ! If anyone wants to talk I’m here .....

The pain of losing my mum.

14 Jul 2019 23:02 in response to axxx1

Hiya axxx1,

I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss at such a very young age.

It's so hard to deal with and yes life is very cruel at times. I feel like there is a whole in me now that will never be filled.

It's been 2 years to the day that my mum was diagnosed and I still can't believe it. 

Very wise words about carrying on and them wanting that for us. They will always be with us in our hearts and memories.

 

The pain of losing my mum.

14 Jul 2019 23:11 in response to Sasha45

Hiya Sasha45,

I'm so very sorry to hear about the passing of your mum. 

Thank you for your kind words. I completely agree about the inner strength, which I believe in a way has come from my mum.

I must admit I still can't believe it and it's been 2 years today that she was diagnosed. 

I know everyone believes different things, but i take comfort in thinking that her spirit is watching over me and your's to you.

Take care xxx

The pain of losing my mum.

14 Jul 2019 23:16 in response to babyjoel

Hiya babyjoel,

Thank you for your kind words.

I still have good and bad days, but like you say it's ok not to be ok at times.

It's 2 years today she was diagnosed and it still doesn't feel real like I'm in a dream

She'll always be with me in my heart and through memories.

Take care xxx

The pain of losing my mum.

14 Jul 2019 23:28 in response to LightofHeaven00

Hiya Lightofheaven00.

I am so very sorry for your loss and at a young age.

I'm glad you have a supportive family around when you need it as you are bound to think of her everyday and be sad. That won't change as it's been almost 2 years since she died and 2 years today she was diagnosed and I still think of her every day. Hopefully with time the memories will make you smile too.

I like to think she's still with me and her spirit is watching over us, but I know people believe different things.

I have thought of counselling as my sister has seen someone, but I keep putting it off. Might have a re think.

Take care xxx

The pain of losing my mum.

14 Jul 2019 23:39 in response to m3l4nie1982

Hiya m3l4nie1982,

I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss and at such a young age. 

Everyone is different in the way they grieve and I have to admit I feel pretty much the same as I did mostly numb. I have good and bad days. 

It's 2 years today since she was diagnosed and it still doesn't feel real.

There is no time limit to grieving. Your mum was a massive part of your life and you are always going to think of her and miss her. Hopefully with time your memories will make you smile.

Take care xxx

The pain of losing my mum.

18 Aug 2019 18:15 in response to Jolley

Hi Jolley, it is scary when you read the amount of posts from people who mirror your situation. We lost my mum on 22 June 2019 following a brave battle against breast cancer, short time in remission and diagnosis of cancer returning in liver, spine and sternum. Mum was only 61years of age. Too young like your mum. I also threw myself into work. I had only started a new job and after 17 years in my previous employment I thought it would be easier with people not knowing my situation but it feels like my world has fallen apart and the world is so cruel for putting my mum and others like her through that pain and suffering. Family and friends are so supportive and I know they are hurting too. The anger keeps me going and my daughter who is four but life without mum is such a struggle and emotional turmoil

The pain of losing my mum.

21 Aug 2019 00:46 in response to Jolley

Hi 

So sorry to hear of the passing of your mum 

My mum (50) passed away April this year , 3 month's after b3ing diagnosed with lung cancer to then be told 2 weeks later that it was terminal ....im 25 im finding it so hard to cope ... my mum was literally my best friend i turned to her about everything ...im kept busy most days but its night time that really gets to me as well as lack of sleep and as well panic attacks,  I went to the doctors about not being able to sleep feeling very down etc they suggested anti depressants but I'm not one for tablets so cruse bereavement counselling was suggested I'm start in September it's maybe something that would help? 

The world is too cruel and for me I keep thinking why couldn't it be the bad people that gets things like this...

My mum was also a nurse that helped people in their last month's/weeks/days so I find myself thinking this alot with alot of anger  questions why? Why my mum? Why so young? Such a caring person .... 

Hope this helps ❤

The pain of losing my mum.

21 Aug 2019 11:51 in response to Cmae

Hi Cmae I am so sorry for your loss. I am 38 years of age and thought even at my age it was so cruel to lose my mum so young. I think at any age we are never prepared to deal with the loss of a parent. They should be around  well into a ripe old age and not suffer something so cruel. My mum was also my best friend, my advisor, my world. The anger against the world and why someone so kind and hard working like my mum should be gone while their is badness out there also keeps me going. I hear her voice in my head imagining just what she would say to comfort me in times of need and I hope I never lose that. I hope counseling helps if anything to help you deal with panic attacks. I am also someone who doesn't take tablets and it's nice to know that your GP could refer u to counselling. My sister and brother would chat with me but everyone has their own way of dealing with things. I find the quiet of night is when I get most emotional and I bring out old photos and enjoy the memories. It never gets easier I know but am told that as hard as it sounds it does get easier to cope. Your mum would be so proud of you approaching your GP. She did such an amazing job none of us could comprehend and I understand your struggle for her to be given such an awful diagnosis after all the love and kindness she provided. Keep strong and we are always here in the thread to chat 

Alli.p

The pain of losing my mum.

21 Aug 2019 19:44 in response to Alli.P

Hiya Alli.P,

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum and at such a young age.

You sound very similar to me as one minute I'm angry then the next crying. As you say though we have to carry on for our young ones, I have a little boy who is also four. As time has passed I have been able to smile and laugh at memories of her.

I have taken comfort from this page as although it's horrible to share such a thing, but nice that someone understands.

Take care xxx

 

The pain of losing my mum.

21 Aug 2019 19:52 in response to Cmae

Hiya Cmae,

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your mum and at such a young age.

It is hard to deal with and I too get angry thinking why wasn't it someome horrible that was made to suffer.

You're mum sounds like a fantastic lady who help people at the worst time of their lives. I cannot thank the nurses who helped my mum enough.

I was the same with panic attacks and I'm not one for antidepressants either. I have however just put my name down for grief counselling, so thanks for that. Hope it helps a little when you start.

Take care xxx