KKKerry - it is a really strange feeling watching the world carry on when something so traumatic has happened. I felt exactly the same....I wanted to yell, “EXCUSE ME, Y’ALL!! MY MUM HAS CANCER!!!!!” and would think...how can all of you guys go about your normal business when my mum has died??! 

You are definitely not alone xx and you will get through this....you’ll come out the other side as I did xx 

Dear Starcatone.. 

Thank you for your reply. . I know. . I literally can't wrap my head around it. . A new pain in the chest and throat is accepting that Christmas will come and it will go and it mark's the absence as definitely official,mum's not here it's Christmas and I wonder if I'm ever going to see pretty lights again or look at the stars and moon and sense the wonder. . The meaningless there's so much of it.  

Thank you for your encouraging words. . xx

Dear kkkerry2, 

Deeply sorry to read about your loss. I too lost my Mum in September 2016, so just over 2 years ago. Tonight is one of those nights where I’m right back there, living it all over again. I’ve cried, screamed, been sick even. You are not alone, the loss you’ve experienced is massive and the way you’re grieving is testament to your Mum, she must have been an awesome woman xx I too visit this site when things become too much and I find it really helps xx 

Hi Dawn. . Thank you for sharing. . I'm honestly sorry that you also endure the sleepless painful nights. . If it helps it's the same here I'm scared to sleep because the waking to my reality is sometimes too painful and I'm in the beginning all over again. . 2 years is still no time at all to move past the missing and yearning for an awesome mum also. . This does help and we're not alone. . Let us after the grief attack breath steadily and believe that they are close by. . Bless you. . Thank you xx

Hi there Kerry...

I felt exactly the same ... I lost my wonderful mum near xmas 29 years ago .. she was my pillow when I cried... she'd laugh like an angel .. she was the best nan and friend to my boys ...

I lost her suddenly from a heart attack and had no chance to even say I love you mum , one more time .. but after a while I knew it would brake her heart to see us grieving so .. she was the meaning to my world... and was happiest when she saw us laughing ... 

I promised myself, I'd live through her .. do things she'd be proud of .. l tucked her up in my heart and I've carried her there ever since ... my son's always smile when they remember her .. and they still put pictures of her holding them on their face book ... always still loving the best nan in the world ..

I try to be kind to others, which she taught me .. to forgive ... to move on ... to laugh at life when things go wrong ... she had a wicked sense of humour, i hope ive inherited from her ...

Now I'm on my cancer journey ... and the saddest thoughts I have, is the ones I adore grieving ... I've told them all, yes share a tear or two... but when I hear them laughing, I'll be happy up there ... I couldn't bare my son's not moving on ... and tucking me up in their heart ...  so yes miss her ... but know you were blessed to have had that love, that so many will never know ... and just look in the mirror and see shes right there... you are half of her ... she made you ... so she is living through your eyes ...the missing never goes ... we just learn to live with it ...

Sending you a vertual hug ... Chrissie

I lost my dad 18 years ago and honestly don’t think you get ever get over it  you just learn to carry on knowing they are still close by watching. I am lucky I still have my mum who when I was going through my breast cancer scare was my rock but the one thing I wanted through those weeks was my dad just to give me one of his big cuddles and make things ok. 

Sending you all a massive group hug x 

So sorry, Kkkerry xx 

I know how painful this is...I used to wonder the same...I didn’t know what I felt really...but there was definitely a sense of the world feeling a different place after she died xx 

For me (and I’m sure it will be for you) said new world became normality after a while...and I was able to enjoy life again (didn’t feel like I had this dark cloud following me around everywhere). I absolutely dreaded my first Christmas without Mum (that was a sure reminder if I even needed one that she was no longer with us!) but it wasn’t as bad as I’d anticipated. Now Christmas is a joyous occasion and something I look forward to (can still feel sad she isn’t here but it isn’t like a knife through the heart) xx 

You’re doing so well to keep yourself going! 

Hi

im new to this site but I’m just hoping it will make me feel slightly better to get advice from people in the same situation. I lost my mum on the 28th October after she fought long and hard from duodenum cancer we fundraised over £65k for her to try private treatment but sadly it just didn’t work the love everyone has for my mum and the support was just amazing.

I just feel lost without her she lived next door to me I saw her and spent every day with her, we lost my brother in a car crash 13 years ago 2 weeks after my eldest daughter was born and my other brothers baby was born sleeping at 41 weeks 5 years ago I know I’m not alone but I just feel like we’ve been dealt such a *** hand in life, in all this heartache I’ve never felt as bad as I do losing my mum though and I just lie awake at night anxious and worried that something else bad will happen and I can’t get the images out of my head of the last night it was peaceful but it’s still my dead mum. I try so hard to think of happy times but I’m struggling to forget that last night at the moment I’m hoping those thoughts will go in time..

I’ve got 3 kids a husband and my dad that I’m trying to stay strong for but it’s a struggle.

would love to hear from any of you xx

Omg yes I feel the same my dad loved Christmas I miss him so much xx god bless you all xx

Hi Deesusie

Sorry you find yourself in the same boat as us all...but glad you found your way here xx 

It must be terribly difficult to have been through so much loss.....it’s no wonder you’re feeling anxious and aren’t sleeping xx

I understand you are haunted by the images of your Mum. I was not around my Mum when she died (she died in hospital when I was working 300+ miles away). However, she was obviously placed in a funeral home and many friends and family went to see her. I chose not to see my Mum deceased and now regret it...now I am more or less through the difficult grief period, I am able to think more rationally and wished I had gone to see her at the funeral home. I know that I would have found this hard at the time but I think, now - that would’ve really helped me to process grief xx So...my opinion is that you are weirdly (!) blessed to have been with your Mum in her final moments (sorry - I don’t mean any offence by saying that) and - it was a peaceful death...I think that will bring you some comfort some day soon xx 

I note you say it is hard to think of the happy times - I also struggled with this. My experience is that I certainly did get to a point where I remember the happy times! That’s all I’m really left with now xx memories of my Mum make me feel happy...I smile at them, laugh....I don’t think of her being ill... - those thoughts seem to be replaced by all the good ones and I am sure this will be the case for you. 

You say you’re hoping that the memories of the last night will go in time...I think they may fade and, even if they don’t, I feel you will be less and less distressed by them xx I found putting on a brave face quite difficult...thinking back, I wished i’d have been more honest with people...told them that I wasn’t doing ok (because that would have been acceptable of course, after suffering such a loss)....so don’t be afraid to be honest around your loved ones (as I wasn’t!) xxx

Please come back to the forum anytime you need a chat xx