I don't really know where to start. I was diagnosed with chondrosarcoma in my neck in 2016. Firstly I had a partial removal followed up by proton therapy in Florida. At first it seemed to have worked but in April 2017 scans showed further growth followed by the discovery of a second tumor in my spine. This was partially removed in July 2017 and I had metal work put in my spine. Further to this I had a second op on my spine in November, a week or two later I developed a blood clot on my lung. I have been recovering from these since then however I did have a short course of radiotherapy on my spine in January 2018. However this not had a positive effect and my mobility has decreased rapidly. I now pretty much wheelchair bound with the ability to maybe do a few steps with difficulty. I have abdominal weakness and struggle to sit up. The tumor in my neck has now greatly weakened my left shoulder and arm making movement and transfers difficult. The spinal compression is now making me incontinent on top of all this. I'm also struggling as I do not live in a house that is disabled friendly. So using the toilet is increasingly difficult.

I virtually do nothing each day, just sit in front of the tv and flick around on my phone. I feel increasingly isolated and alone. 

I feel like I have nothing to do, I'm stuck in my living room with a haphazard bed arrangement. My team don't really have answers regarding my future I.E how long I have and even what will actually kill me. I don't think my family understands what's truely going on and to some degree neither do i. I just wish I had some answers and certainty in my life. 

In all honesty I will die from chrondosarcoma but I don't know how or when and for me right now I'd rather just die. I think on suicide quite a bit, especially at night. I just want to get it all over, and I know it's awful but I want my family to be able to move on and have me as a memory and not a burden. Im not going to get better and I'd rather just be at peace, I'm scared of a long drawn out death and just want to go. But my condition doesn't lend itself to that. There's so little info out there for me I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

i appreciate this is quite a ramble but I have no idea what's going on with my life right now it's just been completely changed in the past few weeks.