Together we will beat cancer


Struggling with the passing of my mum

14 Feb 2020 21:51

My mum passed away from metastatic cancer 2 months ago. She was diagnosed late and within 3.5 weeks she was gone. Really miss her so so much. I would call her around 3 times everyday since I can remember and I so miss talking to her, laughing with her, hearing her voice. I thought I'd start to feel better but I'm not. It's getting harder and coping is challenging. Very mixed emotions of anger, upset, tears, becoming distant from my family - it's all jumbled in my mind. She was everything to me and dotted on my kids. It's left a gaping hole in my life. I feel like a volcano about to erupt and then I want to  run away from everyone and everything. How have others managed to cope?

Struggling with the passing of my mum

14 Feb 2020 22:24 in response to VikashM

Hi I am so sorry to hear about your mum the pain is indescribable & the emotional rollercoaster so many emotions. I'm going through similar lost my mum 2 months ago to a very aggressive cancer that took her within weeks. Like you I've distanced myself from family & struggle to cope. All I can say is the advice given to me which was... put one foot in front of the other, take each day at a time, be gentle with yourself, self care is massive eating sleeping can become none existent yet it's important to try your best. Talk to people about it maybe consider bereavement counseling to help you. It's very early days everybody deals with loss differently there's no right way. I had to go back to work which was really hard but also helped by keeping me busy I still cry everyday though. Everything you're feeling is normal although distressing we lost our mums it's a massive trauma so is going to take time. I'm sending you love & hugs take care of yourself xx

Struggling with the passing of my mum

14 Feb 2020 22:55 in response to VikashM

I really feel for you. My dad passed away NYE after being diagnosed with lung cancer 3 weeks and six days.  I feel all the same things as you are. I get angry at people saying to remember the happy times.  It doesnt blooming  change anything.  I literally said if my life was drawn on a page there would be a big hole in the middle of it where dad would have been.   I just hope it gets easier.   

Struggling with the passing of my mum

14 Feb 2020 23:29 in response to Libran74

Thank you and really sorry to hear about your mum. I guess we are not alone in what we are going through and feeling. Going to work really helps but coming home is the worst. I don't talk to anyone, not even my family, I just feel no one really understands and they probably all want me to get on and be ok, which I try. But inside I am destroyed. I thought about bereavement counselling but not sure how to start. I have never cried so much and I'm a grown man with grown up kids! I pray it will get easier otherwise I'll end up destroying everything and everyone close to me. Sending you love and prayers. Take care xx

Struggling with the passing of my mum

14 Feb 2020 23:36 in response to ChJKM

Really sorry to hear about you losing your dad. There's nothing anyone can say but that you are not alone and we others share the same pain and grief and difficulties. I know people mean well when they say remember the good times but when you're in a dark place there are no happy times. Perhaps with time .. I never knew I could feel so low and dark. Going to work helps and distracts throughout the day but then the evenings come and well ...... 

I hope you keep soldiering on my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Struggling with the passing of my mum

14 Feb 2020 23:51 in response to VikashM

Theres literally nothing that could prepare you for it. I wouldn't wish it on my own worst enemy.   But life goes on. He wouldn't want me moping about.   I dont think its something you ever get over you just learn to cope better with it.    Talk to people about how your feeling and dont worry if it makes you upset. It's ok to be upset.    Here if you need a chat pal 

Struggling with the passing of my mum

15 Feb 2020 09:54 in response to ChJKM

I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate to everything here, I lost my mum 3 months ago to lung cancer 3 weeks after diagnosis, she was living a fully active life just six weeks before she died. It makes me even sadder to see here just how many people are suffering the same devastating loss that I am.

I know from losing my dad 12 years ago that it does get easier, you don't get over it but learn to live with it. There are still days occasionally when I get upset about losing dad but mostly now I can enjoy the memories of our good times together without the roaring pain it once brought on, though losing mum has brought some of that back.

For me counselling did help and so I am now on a waiting list again this time with a local hospice who stepped in to help when mum was diagnosed. I believe  Macmillan can help with counselling or your doctor can refer you. I found it helpful to have someone who I could just completely let it out with. They guide you through the grieving process to help you move through the worst and out the other side where it becomes more manageable and over time, a long time, it gradually eases to be something that is sad but no longer blights everyday.

I find work a useful respite but it highlights how quickly people think you are back to normal. Talking to friends and family helps especially those who have been through something similar I think losing a parent and especially losing both is something that you can really only understand if you have experienced it. I read somewhere that itis like joining a club that no-one wants to be part of.

Looking after yourself is important too if you're not sleeping or eating it will make you feel worse. Also be kind to yourself as you would to anyone else who was going through a difficult time.

I wish you well.