Hi all, my mother passed four months after battling secondary breast cancer for two years when she was only 49 and I was 18, I'm really struggling to make this huge life transition without her by my side.
I started university this September, and while I felt fine for the first week or two I suddenly became really upset over not being able to talk to my mother a few weeks in. I haven't really had the best experience so far, I've only got three other flatmates and two of them are super close while I feel a bit more awkward around them and I haven't found a group of people who I click with like everyone else. All the people I considered best friends at the start have left me for other people, and while everyone's still nice I can't help but feel like an outsider. A few people know about my mum and have been nice about it but I'm not at the point where I'm ready to talk openly to basically strangers yet.I've been feeling really overwhelmed with the amount of socialising required to make and maintain friendships so I've been feeling pretty lonely, especially when her death has only really sunk in the past few weeks. And now everyone's going into groups for houses next year and I feel really left behind with no real connections here.
I just feel so down all the time and it's a struggle to put any effort into life at the moment. All I want to do is talk to my mum and cuddle her again it's driving me insane, I've been having really upsetting dreams and flashbacks to the day she died and after. The only person who I can really confide in is my boyfriend, who visits twice a week on average since he doesn't live far. He's been amazing with me whenever I feel down but I don't want to be dependent on him to feel normal or like a burden.
I feel like I just want to be back home all the time with my old friends and family. While I don't want to drop out of uni because it's so important to me, I'm really struggling to cope with all the stress from grief, doing well in the degree and making friends/decisions on who I'd like to live with next year. I've been crying a lot more than I did back home, always have a headache and have had a few moments that feel like panic attacks (I sort of zone out and can't breathe or stop thinking about the fact that my mother's really gone). I've contacted the university for bereavement counselling but they said it's going to take a while since the waiting list is so long. Sorry this has been me just ranting but I'm really having a hard time with life at the moment I feel like stress is taking over my life, which just makes me want to talk to my mum even more and inevitably get more upset.
Thank you for taking time to read x