Together we will beat cancer


Struggling with processing grief

15 Sep 2021 20:43

Hello everyone, I'm new to the site as I've been struggling recently with missing my Nan and decided I'd make an account because I feel as if this is the best place to speak about it.

My Nan was diagnosed with early stage bowel cancer in January 2020. All of my life she has been fit as a fiddle, vegetarian, not a smoker nor heavy drinker, very active. We all honestly thought she would see 100. She had her tumours removed in the summer of 2020 in a 9 hour long operation and was recovering slowly but making progress afterwards and really, well I thought she was going to be fine as well as the rest of the family. It was successful and she was on the road to recovery. For a few months it was just like that, until January this year when she told us she had been told her cancer had spread and it was terminal. For me this was the biggest shock and really I feel like It makes even less sense now six months later. She passed away two months later, the day after Mother's Day where we all saw her and got together for the last time. I'm only 17 and haven't really lost many family members. I only have one other grandparent now, and only grew up with him and my nanny. My nan's husband (my grandad) passed away from lymphoma at 30 years old so cancer has always been a sensitive subject, and I've lost a few other family members to it but none I was as close with as her. I'm now just trying to work my way through the grief, which is getting better but hits me hard every few weeks and I just cry and cry and cry! It's so strange someone being here one moment and being gone the next and this year has shown me truly how awful of a disease cancer is. I'm just wondering if anyone has been through something similar and would like to chat as it's still quite raw for me to speak to my family about. I miss her everyday and honestly wonder if it'll ever feel real. It's six months today and I long for when she was still here and feel as if her passing has left a weird empty hole in my life, like a period of time or a place I miss so much but can never go back to. Her house was like a second home to me, coming from the city up to the countryside to visit her and the rest of my family every couple months was one of my favourite things to do and now her beautiful house and garden are gone too, and I feel so much nostalgia remembering the place in my life it used to be. This has been a long post but I needed to get it all out so if you've gotten this far thank you for taking the time to read and sending my support to anyone out there missing somebody too or struggling with this awful disease.

Struggling with processing grief

15 Sep 2021 21:37 in response to roxycat21

Hi, I've been on here a lot since my brother passed 21st aug this year from colon cancer . When he was first diagnosed he was determined to beat it, ate good food, worked out a lot. Months later it had spread to his liver, but he didn't tell us, he still wanted to fight it but literally in days he had deteriorated and I lay with my baby brother taking his last breath. All those last moments weigh heavy on my mind and it doesn't feel real, I dont get that ill never see him again. You feel every emotion and I don't speak to anyone as my family are grieving too and yet they seem stronger than me. I'm hurting in every way possible. My grandad passed 2 years ago peacefully, no pain, it was just his time and even though that hurt, his last moments dont kill me like it has with my brother. Everyone knows exactly how you feel on here, and you're so young you need to speak to someone anyone, it does help with people that understand . Sending strength and love xx

Struggling with processing grief

17 Sep 2021 20:25 in response to Maria21

I lost my beautiful Mum 2 days ago. Cancer has always been the main cause of death in our family but for some stupid reason, I thought at 87 she would just die peacefully in her sleep. The last images I have of her are haunting my brain and I am so scared they will never go. At 47 I have to be the adult. I have no kids or other family so everything seems alien. 

At 17 I lost my Aunty to breast cancer. She was an amazing lady. So full of life. What you are going though is a natural process. It hurts. It worries u. It sneaks up on u when u think u have the tears under control. And life will never be the same again. Over time u will be able to look back at the good times and remember without crying. Just keep talking cuz at the moment that's all I can do to keep me from wanting to join my mum. 

Be kind to yourself and remember those precious times you had. Always here if u want to chat. X

Struggling with processing grief

17 Sep 2021 20:48 in response to Sadie2

Thank you . Yea its the knowing how he was so brave and still making his friends laugh but then thinking of him being scared at the end, even though he didnt show it. He was 32. I just keep thinking what good am i here to my family, not good coz i dont know how long i can take this immense pain. Everything reminds me of him, eating, we used to share what we were eating through texts, music i cant listen to anything  we used to send each other songs or play music in his car, even going to the shop picturing him beside me. Im so sorry for your loss. Everyone besides me just seems so strong. You shouldnt be going this alone either xxx

Struggling with processing grief

19 Sep 2021 20:50 in response to Maria21

Thank you so much for your kind messages It feels better to talk about it. It is the worst pain and I hope one day I can remember things without crying but I think I'm a little far off still. I can't imagine what both of you are going through and I'm sending you all of my support I know how it feels. Maria that sounds absolutely awful,  I know how you feel about the shock at the sudden deterioration, the last time I had seen my nanny she was happy and healthy and determined and the next time she was barely conscious. I can't imagine how painful it must've been to see your brother that way. But you are good to your family and a lot of people care for you and I'm sure your pain will start to recede one day and like @sadie2 said you will be able to look back on the memories without crying. Sending you both love and support, @sadie2 that is so so sad and I hope you are coping okay. I am also haunted by that too, it's such a weird sensation seeing someone you love in such a condition. So shocking and surreal but over the last six months I've learnt to cope with it and eventually be glad she is finally at peace. ❤️

Struggling with processing grief

19 Sep 2021 21:10 in response to roxycat21

Hi, I do understand your pain as I have lost three relatives over the 2 years including Mum. My mum passed away from Terminal Breast Cancer which metastasized to the liver and bones on April 7th 2019 and it was 4 days after my 33rd birthday.

It was very hard because my Mum was in hospital in her final days and was receiving pallative care. I held her hand and she squeezed my hand back, so at least she knew I was there. It was very heartbreaking.

Yes, I do miss my Mum and there are times where I felt like a part of me is missing.

There is nothing wrong about talking about a deceased family member and it is good to get it all out.I often find it useful to talk to family and friends. At a time like this, you really need their support.

Anyway, thank you for sharing your experiences and stay strong always.


Struggling with processing grief

21 Sep 2021 22:29 in response to roxycat21

I'm so sorry for you loss. You story mirrors mine. But it was my wonderful husband who passed away 8 weeks ago at the age of 42. He was diagnosed with bowel cancer January 2020. Same as your Nan, fit and Heathly. Chemo & radiotherapy through the year and then had his tumour removed successfully in October. We thought he was on the road to recovery only to then be told in January this year that the cancer has spread and there was no treatment. We are totally devastating and cannot make any sense of what has happened. I am hear if you would like to chat but do reach out as there are some incredible support charity's out there. Curse bereaved or shout are fantastic. You must look after yourself x

Struggling with processing grief

29 Sep 2021 18:45 in response to LouD100

So sorry about your lovely husband my husband died 10 month ago I know the pain your going through I was married 43years cry every day  annie x