Hi there Lauren... my heart goes out to you ... l can see both of you are finding this extremely hard right now ... I'm so sorry, there's no magic formula to make things easier as in my life I've found it just takes time ... it's just getting through today ... until there's one today, that gets easier ... you do learn to live with the loss but you never stop missing them, and it's a long long road ... 

The only thing l can think may help you both, is compromise, you need to take some time out for you, a day or two to get away from everything... take your mind to a kinder place .. something you like doing ... then you will have more strength to help your mum ... I'm afraid she sounds like she is leaning just on you , and as hard as it is, she needs time away from you so she learns how to do stuff for herself , and to know your there for her, just not all the time ... you need to have a life too, while still showing you care .. 

Maybe one day, showing her how to do those things your dad did ... slowly she will learn what's needed, but knowing you can't be there 24/7 I'm afraid it's a little like tough love ... when you have to make hard decisions but for their own good ... like with a baby who's just learning to walk, you have to let go at some point but your close enough to see they don't fall 

Hope that helps ... but share tears, and hugs... and don't be afraid  to admit your both hurting .. and then you can hold each other's hand on this path your on ...  Chrissie

Hello Lauresuyin, just wanted to let you know I really feel for you. Nothing about this situation is simple.

I won't bore you with details, but over the years I've found that people need to go at their own pace with regard to grieving. Some surprise you with amazing resilience. Others fall apart so completely, it's hard to believe they will ever recover. But they do.

It's so, so hard when you feel you're giving good advice, which is thrown back in your face. Truth is, bereavement counselling doesn't agree with everyone. If your mum says it's not for her, I suggest it's best to leave the subject alone. You've raised it. Anything else is up to her. By the way, if you think it could be helpful, I hope you have investigated it for yourself.

As a long time wife and mother, I'd be devastated to lose my husband. But I'd never expect my lads to pick up all the pieces when they are in bits themselves. Perhaps a gentle reminder to your mum may be in order. If they said to me, "I love you, but I can't help with everything," I think/hope that would prod me into action. Sometimes a little space is healthy. Do look out for yourself.

Regards, gamechanger

Hi Chrissie,

thank you, this does help provide a bit of support and relief to hear your kind words... it’s all just so insane and difficult to be in this situation I can’t believe it’s really happening. 

Its ao shocking to see how depressed and weighed down she is by all of the worries she now has, as well as he grief. I feel so helpless and sad myself just desperately trying to think of things which could help, as well as trying to help myself stay healthy and sane...! I have to work full time as well which means I don’t really get much time to relax. So hard.

praying for that magical day where i hope it suddenly feels a bit easier... 

thank you ️

Hi gamechanger,

Thank you. It helps to read that there will be a recovery, it’s so hard to watch my mum really fall apart from this, I guess my fear is that she won’t recover from it. I really hope so.

i know what you mean regarding therapy, it’s a tricky one. I guess I’m aurrounded by close friends who are telling me it’s the best thing for her and me, but maybe we just have to go through the really rough times without it. I’ve investigated it for myself - maybe this will be support enough. Hopefully! 

So tough. Just have to keep pushing through I guess. Hard. Thank you xxxx

Hi Lauren,  I'm sad to hear about your Dad and how Mum is coping.   I have friends on this forum who have lost husbands and all tell me that family are trying to rush the grieving process because there is no limit on how long you grieve and three months is like three hours.   So don't push her to see a counsellor it's early days for her and she needs time.  Of course you think you may lose her too, but the human spirit is strong and she's probably stronger than you think.  Give her moral support and help her work through the bereavement process.  I'm pretty strong but when my Mum died I found it all too much, your brain goes to bereavement mode, not survival..Be strong and you will get through this with patience and resilience.   Take care. Xx