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struggling to cope after my husbands death

HAYLEYJOHN
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Hi i am new here and this is the first time i have posted anything. My Husband John died on 12th of July after being diagnosed in May this year with oesophageal cancer. I just feel lost and dont seem to be able to move on. He has always been a well man and even when diagnosed they said he was stage 4 and inoperable because it had gone into his liver. He had no symptoms at all apart from a small annoying but not painful feeling in his stomach. He asked if he could take his family on holiday before starting chemo, the consultant said that nothing major would happen in the next couple of weeks. we went ahead and booked a huge family holiday in spain. 4 days after arriving i found him collapsed on the kitchen floor. we rushed him to hospital where they said he was suffering from severe pancreatitusand kept him in for 2 weeks. we flew him home and he stayed at home for a week but was still very sick. he was taken into hospital again on the sunday and after a scan on the wednesday we were told that he didnt have a healthy piece of liver left and were told that he would only surrive another few days. he passes away 4 days later. i just dont know what to do i am all on my own and cannot stop crying, the tears are streaming down my face just writing this. i need help.

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    Hi HAYLEYJOHN

    Welcome to Cancer Chat where I know you will receive the help and support you so desperately need at this sad time.

    I am so sorry to read of your loss, I can fully understand your feelings just now as I too have recently lost my husband, he died in March of this year.

    There is no formula to follow in this bereavement process, everyone grieves differently but being able to write about it helps at least I think so. It is very early days for you, I am a little further down the road but never the less still feel terribly lonely and lost. It is a matter of taking one day at a time and trying to keep occupied but change your routine from the one that you had with your husband, I found things most distressing when following previous routine. It also helps to try and get out and about - difficult I know but perservere with it.

    You say you are alone, does this mean you have no immediate family? I am alone at home but have a daughter and family who live 30 minutes away and a son and family who are 4 hours away, both families have been very supportive but I am very conscious that they have their lives to lead as well as supporting me so try not to impose on them too much or too often,

    I could go on much more but will make this do for now and hope we can support each other through this long and painful journey. Keep posting, take care and my thoughts are with you. Rodis.

  • Offline in reply to Rodis

    Hi i'm so sorry for your lose. I am not on my own i have family all that live close by. My mum comes over all the time but to be honest she just gets on my nerves with all her fussing and she doesnt listen when i ask her not to do jobs round my house as it takes thing that keep me busy away from me. I know she cares but it is too much and i find myself telling her that am ging out so that she wont come over. My other family have their own lives and dont bother too much but then tey have alwas been like that.

    The one thing that has really upset me is that my husband had 4 sons from a previous marriage and 2 of them after the will was read found out that everything went to me they have not spoken to me since and one of them has actually said that as far as he is concerned i am dead to him and his family, and he has stopped me seeing the grandchildren. I find this so painful and miss them so much. The other son had done the same but has recently had a change of heart and has apologised, which is great and i am due to see my grandaughters this week. I have still not seen my new grandson though and this hurts but he will never back down and say sorry so this is something else i am going to have to live with. I made promises to my husband that i cannot keep and i have never not kept a promise so i feel like i'm letting him down by not being able to see and watchover the grandchildren.

    My head feels like its swimming and swirling around all the time. I have tried to go out and meet up with friends but everytime i get in a crowd of people i carnt cope and feel like i am being suffocated so i have to leave and go home and its only when i am in the house i feel comfortable. I am forcing myself to go somewhere every day as i dont want to end up being unable to go out. I feel like i have been hit by a tram, 6 months ago i had a wonderful husband who i absolutley adore, and a fabulous life without a care in the world. Everything has happened so quickly and i feel robbed, its like someone has taken my life away and given me someone elses. I know in my head that he isnt ever coming back but my heart aches so much and i carnt ever imagine it getting better even though i am told a least twice a day that time is a great healer.

    How have you managed since your husband passed away?

    sorry to have gone on a bit and thanks for reading this x Hayley

  • Offline in reply to HAYLEYJOHN

    Hi Hayley,

    Do not worry about 'going on' as that is what this site is really all about, allowing you to put your feelings and concerns down also for other members to give their stories.

    Not too sure how I have managed over the last six months but I have got by and will continue to do so despite my own health problems which have appeared since my husband died.

    I try to keep busy,fundraising for Cancer Research UK and I do one or more sessions in the charity shop. There are times when things are difficult but you have to 'weather the storm' and battle on. There are always notable days that you have to get over but find that in some instances things do get slightly easier. Things will never be the same but that's life. Take care. Rodis.

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    Hi Hayley,

    What a terribly sad and difficult place to find yourself in. I can't really even begin to imagine how hard it all must be for you but just wanted to say, take it easy on yourself - it really is very very early days and I'm guessing you must still be in total shock!!

    I also wondered if anyone has mentioned "the merry widows" forum to you? Don't get me wrong, this is a fabulous place to vent and get support, but that is a site that is specifically for people who have lost their partners, and was an absolute lifeline for a dear friend of mine who lost her husband two years ago.

    Anyway, take care of yourself.

    Much Love

    Chezzy x

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    Hi , I know just how you feel because my husband died on July 23rd of pancreas cancer  and I can't seem to except he has gone .I also cry a lot and keep seeing him everywhere I go .He was only 58 years old and we have been together 27  years .We have a son but he has his own life .I have no family but my husband had many relations and they have been fantastic towards me but it still does not take  this lonely empty feeling away. I get told life still goes on but I am finding it hard to imagine what my life will be like without him

  • Offline in reply to raffy

    Hi, I too know the feeling. My husband died August 29,2015 from pancreatic cancer 12 months after he was diagnosed and just shy of reaching the one year mark from having the whipple surgery. Every day is a struggle. We were together 18 years. He was 62. I work full time but but even that does not help much. I find myself crying on the way to work, on the way home and at work. Weekends and evenings seem to be the hardest. I have three grown children. My eldest son married this past August and I had to go without my husband because he was too ill. My only consolation is that we had eleven months and in those months we said everything to each other that there was to say. I was able to keep him home with the help of pallitive care so he was in the comfort of his home when he passed away. I think this was the best decision because right up to the day before he passed away he was still able to understand and get up out of bed when he needed to. I think if he was in the hospital he would have been under heavy pain medication and confined to bed. One thing I did realize going through this is that death itself is not to be feared. This experience was very peaceful. I don't know how to move on. Its been almost three months and the only positive thing is that I am able to remember my Husband as he was prior to the cancer and I can recall memories that we created together. I came to this site pretty much because we do not have alot of options in Canada. There are no support groups for pancreatic cancer and during my husbands illness we only ran into one other person in the hospital with it. That is not to say that there were not more, just none that we came across. Our surgeon was reall thorough and apparently performs many whipple operations a year. What is so frustrating about this cancer is there is no awareness. We were lucky that my husband's doctor did not waste any time when he went to her with symptoms. She immediately ordered tests and ct scan. Within a week we knew that it was pancreatic cancer. This cancer is one of the worst that I have seen and what it does to the body is tragic. My new job is to try to figure out how to live without my husband as he was my life in the best way possible.

     

  • Offline in reply to chitch
    Hi Hayley, I'm so sorry to read all your story and mine is a similar one. On 11th December 2015 John then aged 56 was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. They told him he was stage 3 being limited to his right lung and right lung lymph node, it was inoperable but it was curable. He was a fit and otherwise healthy man so just before Christmas they started the first of 4 cycles of chemotherapy followed in the New Year by 15 sessions of radiotherapy on his lung and then in April he had 10 sessions of brain radiotherapy as a precaution. As expected the chemo and radiotherapy made him very unwell with a couple of spells in hospital but in May 2016, we were given a very positive review 'an excellent partial response' that his cancer had very dramatically reduced to almost nothing and they were very hopeful that what was left that they could see would be scar tissue. Absolutely elated we took a one week restful holiday in Portugal at the end of May and were looking forward to the future. It wasn't long though before John began feeling unwell again though; pain in his abdomen, aching joints, numbness in his chin and very tired. We made several visits to our GP and were referred a couple of times to A&E however John was given blood tests and his obs were recorded but each time he was discharged and the symptoms put down to the after effects of the chemotherapy. O the 2nd July, John felt so ill that he decided he needed to go to hospital and he was admitted with suspected pancreatitis. They treated him, gave him scans and then on the 7th and 8th July we were given the terrible news that his lung cancer had spread to his pancreas and liver and that he had months to live. He told them to discharge him and he came home on Friday 8th July. We had the Saturday, Sunday and Monday together, 3 lovely days but on Tuesday 12th July he had a funny turn, we called out the paramedics, but John refused to go back into hospital. Wednesday morning our GP came round and he finally agreed to be admitted. His remaining time was then reduced to weeks and quickly to days and on Sunday 17th July my darling husband passed away aged just 57 I am absolutely lost, I too can't accept he is gone, I can't face life in the future and just go into a blind panic at the thought of life alone without John. I can not get my head around it at all. 2 weeks prior to John's death, I lost my dad as well and so I am grieving for both of them.
  • Offline in reply to GeeBaby

    Hello GeeBaby,

    Welcome to Cancer Chat. I am so sorry to hear John passed away shortly after you lost your dad. Our sincere condolences from the Cancer Chat team.  It must be a very difficult time for you at the moment. You will meet many on this forum who have also lost their partner or a parent recently. Sometimes, it can help to talk to someone who can really understand how you are feeling at the moment. 

    I would suggest you also start your own thread in our Coping with Loss topic area so that more of our members can see your message straight away. You can find out more about how to start your own discussion here.

    Warmest wishes,

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    Hi Hayley sorry for the loss of your husband, I lost my husband on the 5th July like your husband he was well up until 9th June when he collapsed he was treated for pneumonia for 3 days after his lungs kept filling with fluid and after having a ct scan came the bombshell he had stage 4 lung cancer, we were told he had 2 to 3 months but he deteriorated day by day and passed away less than 4 weeks later we should have celebrated our ruby anniversary on the 24th of July and had booked holiday in Spain I to am finding every day a struggle I have good children and grandchildren but still feel so lost and lonely when it will stop I don't know I'm just trying to cope as best I can that's all we can do the only words of comfort I can give is that we were lucky to have such wonderful husbands in our lives and hope one day we will only think of the happy memories godbless Hayley love Maria x

  • Offline in reply to marley4
    Hello, I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband. Your loss is so very new so don't even try to cope, cry as much as you want, scream, yell, throw things, do anything to try and take the pain away. It has now been two years since my darling husband died. He was ill for 10 years but for the last three years of his life I had been his 24/7 carer. I still cry every single day. I watch our wedding DVD all the time, I had it taken from a Cine Reel. I look at photos of us when we were young and as we got older. I have put them all on computer and made a video and added our favourite music then put it on a USB. We were married 47 years and knew each other 50 years. We were young when we met, he was 18, I can still remember what I was wearing the night I met him and what he was wearing. He was my life and I was his. We were never apart, we only needed each other. We have married sons and grandchildren but they don't heal the pain. Instead of thinking it has now been two years since I last saw him and spoke to him, I now think it is two years nearer to seeing him again. I believe in the after-life I always have. All I want is for my life to be over as living everyday without him is not living at all. Some people cope, some people don't. All I can say is to take one long day at a time, keep busy, play your favourite music and get a project like I did, I made a journal from the day he died up until now. The weird thing is, I think more about our young life and the day we met than I do about the later years of our lives when we were getting old, I can still see the tall handsome young man I met in 1964 and knew from that day we would be together forever. It happens to so many women and the sad thing is that it happens when their husbands are not all that old. I have friends who lost their partners when they were in their 40's so I thank god we had 47 years together. My husband was 68 when he died and we lived a fantastic charmed life which I am so grateful for. My thoughts are with you and there is no use me saying it get's better because after two years I have not found that yet. Love to you. Sheila x

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