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Struggling to be the carer

16 Jul 2019 23:08

I feel very selfish for even having these thoughts let alone writing about them. My husband has back of the tongue cancer and lymph node. 6 weeks radio and 6 sessions of chemo he is half way through treatment. I feel so alone I do everything for him and look after him the best I can. He is still full able to do things for himself and carried on working until last week.  Now it just seems anything I say or do is wrong and I’m finding it had to continue helping him when he is pushing me away. Everyone asks after him and we have a good lot of people concerned but it just seems no one is asking about me and I feel so alone. And now I feel guilty for even trying to say this is about me as well. 

Struggling to be the carer

16 Jul 2019 23:27 in response to E1WTH

Hi there ..

No need to apologise... lve been on both sides and I think it's harder caring for someone ... your not superwoman... just a woman, trying to do her best ... and it's the hardest job there is .. who cares for the carer ... well I do .. you are doing amazing ... don't ever dout that .. your just finding it really hard right now .. you probly feel like running ... just getting away .. just to feel normal again ... that's o.k ... it's thoughts nearly all carers get at some point ... it's like climbing a mountain,  getting half way up .. and not knowing if you can make the last half ... 

Please be kind to yourself .. you need to take a brake .. even a day a week .. do something just for you .. if you can get respite from it all, you'll cope far better .. take any help offered .. don't try and do it on your own ... he will benifit too ..

Now saying all that , on his part .. cancer and treatments crush us pysicaly and mentally... we can't take a day off .. can't stop those thoughts of what's to come .. and it's the scariest time well ever go through .. and no mater what people think they know about cancer, untill it happens to you, you can't even know .. it turns everything we know on its head .. that word "future" that we took for granted is now just a big fat question mark ... 

He's taken it out on those nearest, as there's nowhere to take his feelings .. that what happens when someone esp men are scared .. coz they find it hard to admit it ... but if I were you, when he gets cross and it starts getting to you, get away .. go have a coffee .. listen to music .. know it's not him it's the cancer .. and when he realises if he gets angry you go , it will make him stay calmer ... hopefully .. it's worked for me .. cancer is the reason we get angry ... it's not an excuse to take it out on those caring for us ...  

You can come on here and chat / vent have a good old moan .. get it all out .. it's o.k .. so stop feeling bad and know your doing your best ... and sometimes it gets too much ...

Sending you a vertual hug.... hold on in there ... Chrissie xx

Struggling to be the carer

17 Jul 2019 06:41 in response to E1WTH

Hi E1wth chrissie is the one with the words that help, and she's right you kneed to give him space if things get orquard, you must look after yourself as well what happens if you get ill, caring for family is not easy, it's a chore you get pushed into, I've been looking after my disabled wife she needs 24 /7 care for over to years now, trouble is I'm the one who has non curable C it gets hard as I said but you can do it, but don't forget to take a break now and again, best wishes.

Billy 

Struggling to be the carer

24 Jul 2019 09:12 in response to Chriss

Thank you so much for your reply. I am sorry for the delayed reply I havent been able to log in since posting. 

It really helps reading your words. 

I keep goingup and down. Good days bad days. It is the hardest thing.