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struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

29 Jan 2021 00:31 in response to katie926

Sadly I too am a member of this group. I lost my dad in July 2020 and have like many of you, have been through his first birthday, our first Christmas and my birthday without him. I too am devastated and cry most days, albeit some days are worse. Some days are good days too. I loved him so much and like everyone here can't believe I have to live on without him, and I am 53! To me he was still in his 50s, not mid seventies. My mum is heartbroken, making the best of it but we will never be the same either. We speak every day for an hour, but nothing I can do for her really helps or will ever ever make up for losing him. I don't think we will ever get over it. God knows how we will get through it. My dad's story is a nightmare that was compounded by lockdown although he didn't have covid. It was so complicated and tortuous, I can't ever put it in writing, and ultimately he shouldn't have died yet, but he did. It was such a shock and to make it worse, I couldn't be with him because of lockdown rules. That is the worst bit for me and I can never change it. If you are reading this to see how others feel, please know there are so many others out here, some much older than you but feeling so much the same, you are not alone although I know it feels that way. I never thought I would ever have the need to write on a forum about it. Thank you for reading and my thoughts are with everyone feeling this way. 

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

29 Jan 2021 07:37 in response to John8317

HI Katie, I'm in the very early stages of dealing or not with my Dads death - my wonderfully brave Dad passed away on the 14th of January 2021. The hospital thought his cough was Long Covid right up till the end of October 2020 when the hospital even wrote to him and said there was no cause for concern with his lungs, the cough continued and  when a locum GP finally said he thought it could be cancer and that my Dad should have a Scan- which he had early November and was told they had seen something he would require a Biopsy which they attempted on the 17th Nov - he was told to come to the hospital on the 3rd December to "discuss" findings - Thank God my mum said he wasnt going on his own as the doctor sat down - completley oblivious to the fact my dad didnt know he had cancer at this point and quite bluntly said you have very agressive Cancer and you have roughly 3 weeks to 3 months., I watch my Dad go from a strong figure to a shell of a man in weeks he got through my birthday and my sisters birthday before passing away while i held his hand at 2.50am on the 14th january 2021 - exactly 6 weeks to the day they gave him his diagnosis. I am completly devestated but trying to be strong for my Mum at the same time. i cry on my own i dont know how i'm goig to get through the funeral next week - i wasnt ready to lose my dad.

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

5 Feb 2021 21:29 in response to kellbell1511

Hi I to am in the early stages with dealing losing my Dad, I cry most days I still can't believe he has gone.He started with a blood clot in his leg in May, then everything went down from then, but they did X-rays scans you name it, to be told they was not concerned about legions on his lungs.  Then in October he was in really bad pain he got admitted to hospital for a total of 3 weeks, he wasn't allowed any visitors due to Covid, he also had a fall while he was in hospital we was totally traumatised by this.  He came out of hospital on the 20th November 2020 and passed away on the 30th December 2020.   We struggle with everything that happened and still can't believe he's not here, I struggle with quite a lot and have so many unanswered questions did he know he didn't have long because we didn't know.  He fought right till the end, and it was torture to see him in so much pain and to witness the last images of him.   I miss him so much, and wasn't ready for him to go. 

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

15 Mar 2021 16:23 in response to angel0150

Hi there mum dad died 2016 and I still can't cope it's even worse when I go to the grave I just don't think this pain will ever stop. He was my hero and after loosing mum the year before lossing dad has ruined me inside I can't cope even now and I bottle it all up and tell everyone I'm fine but inside I just want to be with them. I pray for me to die so this pain stops and i can see them again I'm so lost without them. And my dad had nimphoma so we went through keemo together and then I found he had passed away at 1.30 in the morning I stayed over and he said he just wanted to watch the football so I went up at 10.30 and then I woke to find the stairs lights on and I knew straight away any advise would be much appreciated, thanks sll

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

16 Mar 2021 12:21 in response to GingerSimba

Hi there,

Ive just lost my dad- 9 days ago now. He was 63, had bone  cancer and passed away in the hospice. Your post resonated with me because I've found losing him during covid has added an extra dimension to his loss. I only got to see him for one hour a week towards the end due to covid restrictions. During His last 24 hours he was only allowed 2 people by his bedside- I have two other sisters and my mum was there too so we had to take turns sitting with him. Losing someone is painful enough without the added stress of restrictions. My dad hadn't physically seen his grandchildren since March last year and couldn't get to say goodbye to them. He adored his grandchildren and they idolised their grandad. At one point the hospice nurses told us off when the four of us stood beside him as he was in his last hour. It's hard to reason with it all. When you Love someone, you want to make their death as easy as possible but that's hard when that person can't get to say goodbye to the people that matter most to them. I feel heartbroken for my beautiful dad that he had to go through that. The grief is all consuming x

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

16 Mar 2021 19:42 in response to KaceyB

KaceyB I'm so sorry to read about your lovely dad and my condolences. It sounds as if you have had a dreadful time and I do appreciate how devastating it has been for you all, and most of all your dad. It is so very early days for you, you just won't really be able to process it yet, you got into shock. I did, I think I went into survival mode and didn't know what people really meant about being numb until my dad died. It is 8 months since my dad died, feels like yesterday. I know how you feel about being heartbroken for your dad. I hope he didn't suffer very long. We didn't know my dad was dying, so I don't know if that made it worse or not. All I can say 8 months on is it does, strangely get better. The turning point for me was 6 months, I honestly felt I couldn't think about anything else until then, or sleep. I have found being gentle to myself, not expecting too much of myself and not dwelling on things unnecessarily has helped greatly. I remember my dad when it feels right, talk to him in my head and he pops up at random in my mind and I can see his expressions or hear his replies. I honestly am surprised at how I have begun to accept him no longer being here, especially to help my mum through it, as we were very close and I thought I could not live without him. He was my and our everything. But, I can, apparently live without him! So, believe me when I say your dad will live on in you and you will gain strength from that. Mine has left me fully capable of surviving, and I am so proud of that. It isn't always so great, I still have my ups and downs, but they are fewer and changing, I cry less and for shorter moments, but ultimately although I would have him back in a heartbeat, I wouldn't have him in that awful pain or distress. Although it doesn't feel like that now, you will feel the same when things aren't as raw.  I hope this helps a little and do message back. Thinking of you. 

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

15 Apr 2021 23:20 in response to GingerSimba

Dear all,

Firstly, I am very sorry for all of your losses. Unfortunately I am also a member of this devastating club. My Dad passed away last month at the age of 74 and I just can't bear the sadness and pain. Especially as it was just so rapid we didn't even get the chance to process it. My Dad was at home and lost his appetite and started to bloat. After a week we made him go to A&E, which he was scared of due to covid. The next day he was diagnosed with primary liver cancer. We, as a family, then spent the next few days trying to get as much information as possible from the hospital and awaiting the prognosis and treatment options while my Dad was in hospital. Things then escalated massively and exactly a week to the day of diagnosis he passed away, with his whole family at his bedside.

My Dad was 37 when I was born and I am 37 now as he passed away. I miss him so much and it makes me feel so sad he had to go through this. I just don't know how I can get through this. Life has changed in an instant.

People mean well when they say be strong but I hate that saying. I don't want to be strong. I need to grieve and process what has happened. 

 

Thinking of you all that have gone through the passing of a parent. It's tough but we are in this together. I won't say be strong, I'll say, you just do you in your grief. 

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

18 Apr 2021 18:05 in response to katie926

I'm so sorry for your loss, to all of you who have posted. 
I lost my dad in February this year to Lung Cancer, I'm only 27 & he was 76. We buried him this Wednesday just gone and I just can't seem to get my head around it.

He was only diagnosed in December and died in February. I'm heartbroken, I cry pretty much everyday, I can't imagine ever being happy again and as I lived with my parents I am constantly going into my parents room into my dad wardrobe to look, touch and smell his things. He's been buried with his phone so I send him WhatsApp messages, but it hurts. It hurts like nothing I've ever felt before and I know my mom & my siblings are grieving too but I keep my feelings to myself so won't talk to anybody. 
 

Me & my dad were like two peas in a pod, the same personality, we got each other like nobody else did. I can't imagine my life without him, I'm the only child he had who hasn't had children or got married and that really kills. 

 

I don't think it'll ever get easier, if feels like it's getting harder. 

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

3 May 2021 22:09 in response to jube

Hello Jube 

I hope time has started to heal these mortal wounds. I read your post and it resonated so much. I lost my Dad only a few days ago and I am haunted by the chaos and trauma of the last 24 hours. It is still too raw for me to go into detail, but it was horrific. I never used to drink alcohol but it's the only thing to numb the pain and the trauma of what happened. 
 

I am just trying to take each day at a time. When I think too far ahead I freak out. My Dad was my hero. Lost to throat cancer having already beaten it once 19 years ago. Such a devatstating blow. 

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

4 May 2021 08:21 in response to steviep

I'm sorry anybody else should go through our experience at the start of lockdown but it appears still pretty bad. Apart from loosing somebody and in the way they go in my experience the nhs made it worse.

its 9 months now for me, it never goes but you just manage it a bit better , every few days a haunting image throws itself at me and knocks me sick. 

I understand the drinking, I did the same it numbed the thoughts a bit but you can't do it forever, get the big things done then try to drop a night of no alcohol.

I let the bereavement take me and I became ill , I got shingles 6 months after and still having tests I am anaemic. I know my dad would not want this for me.

deaths the most awful experience of someone you love your brain can't cope with it especially under the conditions we experienced. My doctor put on my sick note complex traumatic bereavement, at that point I realised yes it was and that's making it harder than loosing somebody in 'normal' expected ways. 
I thought I was going mad with grief and turmoil of the who situation. 
 

it's very early days for you, you have to go through it, I don't know if I'm at the other end yet or not but each week moves you forward, you have to continue we have no option. It does get slightly more manageable day by day.

 

if your feeling bad send a message , reading on here makes you realise your not alone. It's taken me a very long time to say out loud some of the things that happened to my dad and some things will still with me forever , like I want to protect him and keep it private I don't know.

your still in shock.

hold on tight your dad I'm sure wouldn't want this xxxx 
 

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

4 May 2021 09:38 in response to jube

Hi steviep and jube, 

For me it has been a little over 2 years. 
I can't begin to imagine what you have been through with this happening at the same time as Covid and the restrictions etc. 
I do however know the overwhelming feeling of stress as I was pregnant with my parents first grandchild at the time, dad passed away 2 weeks before the baby came, the whole experience was traumatic. 
 

I am just here to say it gets easier. I'm not sure how or when, but it did and trust me I loved my dad as much as anyone, saw him most days and were very close so I'm saying it gets better from someone who was hit very hard by it as well. 

I definitely would have been a prime culprit for drinking and going out if it wasn't for the baby. 
Take each day at a time, if that seems too daunting then just take each hour at a time. I promise you will get there, the horrible memories will fade xxx 

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

4 May 2021 10:54 in response to GingerSimba

This pretty much could be me that's typed that! I think we are of a similar timescale I lost Dad July 2020 , you describe how I am.

im getting thoughts that I'm becoming accustomed to him gone then a stomach turning thought that it's all final and quite awful.

I wanted a magic wand to do what I don't know as if I feel ok a feel bad and if I feel bad it's just not good long term for your body and mind. Being human is hard.

I want my dad back but he was ill and it happened quickly.

in a way it's good to know your not going mad and it's a process a lot of us are going through x 

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

4 May 2021 11:09 in response to jube

I feel like those 'hit me' moments, it's really happened will never go away. One minute you're fine and the next it comes out of no where. My dad was buried and still now sometimes I will go and be fine and other days I'll just sit on the grass and sob, but I know I've come a little way as I used to sob every single time without fail. 
I've actually found the hardest part supported and worrying about my mum. 

 

That's why I come on here, it's a horrible comfort to know you're not alone. I always think, why hasn't it happened to other people I know and then I realise that it's happened to so many, I just don't know them. X 

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

4 May 2021 19:57 in response to jube

I'm 2  1/2 years on from dad and 5 from mum, finally having more good days than bad, although the tiniest thing or sometimes nothing sets me off still and probably always will.

I still have anger and have no patience with our stupid petty management at work now, I feel like screaming at them to just let me do my job, I think they have yet to understand things the way you do when you lose someone close.  The world seems to carry on as before, yet you are changed for ever.

I say sorry to my parents every day still for what happened and my naiivety over the system. I value, admire  and love them more than ever now, that feeling is often starting to outweigh the grief at last, though the link is complex and it is taking some time to balance xxx

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

4 May 2021 22:25 in response to DaisyW

It's certainly a life changer in more ways than one. I don't care or worry about things I used to as they are now nothing in comparison, 

i on a daily basis analyse what I could of done / said and say sorry out loud. It's a very heavy cross to bear sometimes.