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struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

9 Mar 2019 21:59

I've posted on this site a few times- but havent been online for at least two months.

My Dad passed away back in October 2018 and everyday it feels as raw as the day he died. I literally never stop thinking of him, and Im so sad thinking hes not here anymore. I feel as though my heart breaks everyday and im constantly so sad. Of course, I miss him more than I could ever try to explain. I still cant seem to get my head around the fact I wont see him again.

Everyone says you will get used to a new normal, but not having my dad here will ever be normal. Its been five months and it some respect its been the longest five months ever, but it also feels as though its flown by. Im 23, and cant bare the idea of having my whole life without him.

I was there through everything, holding his hand right 'till the end, but now I look back with such panic at what he went through. He never changed the whole way through- was the same lovely, kind, funny man he always was. But I feel so much pain thinking that he was just putting on a brave face for me and my family. I know and I've heard so many times that 'hes in a better place and that he wont be in any pain anymore' but all that does to me is reiterates that he was in pain and that towards the end he wasnt in a good place here.

I cry everyday for my Dad- and oddly I dont want that to stop because I dont ever want to accept that hes not here. I just still cant believe hes gone and I'm left without him. I dont feel like I can put into words just how devestated I am but he truly was the only person I knew I could never live without.

Sorry for the rambling- but sometimes I just feel a bit of relief for typing out how Im feeling. Is anyone else in a similar situaition currently?

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

10 Mar 2019 00:28 in response to katie926

Hi there ...

It's still really early ... be kind to your heart ... it's been broken, and will take time to heal ..that first year is like a wound that won't heal .. l think maybe like you said, in crying every day your keeping him as close as possible .. and think if you stop crying then he's really gone .. so your heart hangs on to it ...

Sometimes saying to your self it's o.k to cry every day, then that need will ease a bit .. we are a nation of people that think putting a brave face on things should be easy ... being brave and carrying on regardless ... coz that's what others want us to do .. well those that hold feelings in, hurt the worse ... they carry that pain around with them .. so you cry .. yell, do whatever you need to .. loosing someone we love is the worse pain ever ... then one day when you realise you didn't cry, that's o.k too .. 

He's not gone, he's right there tucked up safely in your heart .. you are half of him .. he will see through your eyes ... when you see those last memories , close your eyes... remember the funniest time you had with him .. relive it in slow motion .. remember how it made you feel .over and over . and when that bad memory is replaced with a smile ... you'll remember him as he'd want you to remember him .. not I'll or in pain, but all those years you had with him before cancer... because cancer wants you to remember the pain it inflicts... it wants to take away all the good memories ... well don't let it ... you hold on to the good ones ... you know we never stop missing them ... but that raw pain eases ... but you need to go through this time for that to happen ... 

Sending a big vertual hug ... chrissie ❤

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

10 Mar 2019 01:03 in response to katie926

Hello Katie. My dad died in December. He died of pancreatic cancer. He fought bravely for 2 and a half years. I am struggling with it too. I cry every day as it hurts so much. I am 46, double your age but I feel exactly the same way as you. I tell you that in the hope that you don't think that you're feeling the way you do because you are young or alone in the loss you feel. I hope I have that right.

I too talk to friends and colleagues who say the same as you have said in your post and they say the same thing as you have experienced too. They mean well but it's like they don't quite understand the personal loss.

Personally, I'm taking it day by day. I let myself cry and talk to my dad (bit mad I know but I do talk to him in my head). Some days are ok. Other days it hits me hard. I think just go with the emotions. I miss him terribly as I'm sure you do with your dad. Go with it though. It's OK to feel the grief. I'm sure we will both come to live with it but that loss will be there and that's OK.

I hope that helps in some way. The experience of losing a father to cancer is hard and not everyone understands that...but some do.

Take care and don't be hard on yourself for feeling the way you do about the  loss of your dad. I for one know what you are feeling.✌

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

10 Mar 2019 07:36 in response to katie926

Hi Katie, 

i cant pretend to know what you’re going through, but I am 31 and faced with losing my dad shortly 58. 

I feel I am in the anticipatory grief stage now and everything you describe is how I know I will feel when this terrible day comes. 

I can’t ever imagine a life without him, my heart is broken in to a million pieces already and although I know he is putting on a brave face I know he is so scared. 

I am struggling to deal with how cruel life is and why us, then I come on here and realise I am not alone and there are people experiencing the exact same heartache as me. 

I can only imagine the first year is the worst, having to go through the first of everything without him. 

You must allow yourself to cry, every single day if that’s what’s needed. As above, don’t bottle it up it will do more harm than good. You must grieve your amazing dad properly so you can get to a place where the tears are for remembering all the good times, not what this vile disease did. 

Sending all my love x 

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

10 Mar 2019 22:05 in response to katie926

Hi

I too lost my dad last year. I still cry every day, I loved him so much and can’t bear not having him in our lives anymore. I sometime wake up and for a split second I think it was all a horrible nightmare but then I realise it’s another day I need to get through without him.

x

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

11 Mar 2019 18:41 in response to katie926

Hi, its been 13 months since I lost my Mum to Pancreatic Cancer.  It was very sudden and we had very little time with our lovely Ann. The last 12 months have been  the most painful ever and every day I think about Mum and wish we could still have our daily chats ant texts... , gradually I am starting to remember Mum without cancer but its hard and my mind always goes back to that last month with Mum, even though it was such a small part of Mums life.  Take care.

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

11 Mar 2019 22:08 in response to katie926

Hi Katie, reading what you have written could be like I had just wrote it. I feel completely the same as you. My dad died in October 2018 and I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. He was my most favourite person in the world and I am heartbroken. I am an only child and we have always been very close. Sometimes I think it’s been 5 months, should I be coping better than I am but then I think 5 months is nothing compared to the 45 years I have loved him for. I cry every day, a few times, anything can set me off. Sometimes I feel like it still hasn’t sunk in....I don’tknow where I think he’s gone....but I really struggle to believe I’m never going to see him again, it’s so final. No one can really understand what you are going through until they experience it for themselves. I have no help or advice to offer you, just support and to promise you you aren’t the only one feeling this way. Our daddy’s are our first love and our heroes. 

Take care, big hugs xxx

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

13 Mar 2019 18:47 in response to Chriss

Hi Chrissie,

Thank you so much for your reply. Youve actually commented on one of my posts before- I really appreciate how much effort you put into this site- you must comfort so many people. 

Your words are so kind and completely accurate. Thank you again..

sending you a hug back xX

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

13 Mar 2019 18:51 in response to John8317

Hi John,

Thank you for your reply. As horrible as the situation is for both of us- it is nice to know someones going through the same thing and knows exactly how you are feeling. 

My Dad too died of pancreatic cancer and fought for about a year and a half- a very hard journey with many ups and downs.

I talk to my Dad too- usually when im driving- and I actually really enjoy getting everything off my chest to him. It does make me sad though that I cant see/hear his response. 

Thanks again for the response, I hope youre doing okay x

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

13 Mar 2019 18:54 in response to sunshine1987

Hello- thank you for your reply.

I am very sorry to hear what you are currently going through. I can say though that I made the most of the time we had- We chatted so much and I left nothing unsaid- If I could give you any advice It would be to do the same.

I am always here if you feel like you need any support throughout this time xX

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

13 Mar 2019 18:55 in response to ls123

Hello...

I feel like its something thats never going to go away. Even when I have a day off from uni/work, I feel like I never get a day of grieving. At the moment I dont want it to get easier because Im not ready to accept whats happened, but its so exhausting isnt it. x

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

13 Mar 2019 18:57 in response to Jenlou

Hiya..

I also lost my Dad to pancreatic cancer- awful isnt it. How did you find the anniversary of her passing? I dread so many days throughout the first year- birthdays, fathers day etc. 

Hope youre doing okay x

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

13 Mar 2019 19:01 in response to daddyssarah

Hi Sarah,

wow it really does sound as though we are feeling the same right now. Im sorry for the loss of your Dad. of course, I completely get how heartbroken you feel- Im exactly the same. Its so devestating isnt it. I know we should feel like we had such amazing Dads for the time we did, but I dont feel like it was long enough. I feel like we had so many memories left to make- He was off sick when he turned 65 so never got to enjoy retirement- I get so angry thinking he worked from when he was a teenager to never enjoy those years of not working.. 

Completely agree- no one understands unless theyve experience the loss that we have.

Sending much love xxx

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

14 Mar 2019 11:22 in response to katie926

Hello Katie

I think everyone is different when it comes to grief.....I visit Mums grave regulary back in Derbyshire and stay at Mums cottage but my sister finds it too painful. Mum's sister has still not been able to put Mum's photograph up in her house.  I feel close to Mum when I am at the grave and back in Derbyshire.  I live in the South with my husband. On Mums anniversary we did flowers and cards for the grave and for her Birthday and Mothers Day also.  Its been incredibly difficult year for me...I am not the same happy confident person I used to be but gradually I am hoping that I can overcome this.  I have lots of photos of Mum everywhere and I talk to Mum daily  I know its not the same for everyone but it helps me and this forum has been very comforting.  The death of a parent changes you forever but in a positive way eventually!

Take care 

 

struggling to accept the loss of my Dad.

24 Jan 2020 16:15 in response to Chriss

My dad died on August I am so lost I took care of him for years as he had dementia I don't know what to do with me now am sad.crying.loads just lost