I have a busy day and come home to my lovely neighbour mowing my back lawn. I chastise him and say I would have got round to it, he knew I was struggling and came in whilst I was out. These kindnesses make my day. I think hubby is not looking well and voice my concerns. Nope he says he's fine but a little niggle tells me otherwise. I get up this morning and he admits he's not good.. appointment at Doctors and he has another infection. I am being picked up by a friend to go to Wynyard Hall and gardens, the day is glorious and she has the soft top down,we arrive and I look like Bridget Jones after her ride in an open top car! We have home made cake and coffee and meander the beautiful gardens looking at the pumpkins, sweetcorn and variety of flowers. I suddenly spot a flower that hubby and I keep seeing on our drives and it's driving him insane not knowing its name. A lady hears us talking, takes a photo, Googles it and walks back to tell me, it's called the common tansy. People are so thoughtful and kind! Back home hubby laughs at the state of my hair, saying I look like I have been pulled through a hedge backwards, charming!! I tell him the plants name, lovely he says and promptly falls asleep on his sheepskin in the sunny conservatory. Hopefully the antibiotics will kick in soon, I want my normal hubby back.
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So I now know how to use the followed threads! Pity no one told me weeks ago!! Anyway the infection is taking its toll and hubby is not on the same planet as me! We get in the car and his walking stick has gone missing from the four foot from front door to car door. What have you done with it, me I didn't have it, backs to specs situation again. We both look around the car, no sign, climb back out and lo and behold it's on the top of the hedge nestling safely in the pretty pink flowers! Back home, handed key for front door, don't need it because he hasn't locked it, fortunately we have not been burgled!! I'll take you to town he says but I can see my life flashing before me and decline the offer. Let's wait until the antibiotics kick in. We stay safely in the house and he sleeps the afternoon away.
Hubby is not doing well with this infection and is not up to much or interested in anything. My best friend has gone to Tenerife and we hug before she goes, she has been my rock over the last five months and I shall miss her dearly. My younger daughter calls, she, son in law and my Harry are off to Greece for their hols and she promises that when Dad is better they want to send us a way for a break. I don't tell her he has another infection, spoiling her happiness would be mean. I wish them all a lovely time, they have busy lives and deserve the break. We have no choice but to stay put and it is hard. Anyway hubby decided he would get the hospital transport for his radiotherapy, I say a little prayer of thanks, I think four weeks of his criticism of my driving might be the straw that broke the camel's back!! Curry for tea and some chilled wine, I will miss the Spanish thriller I have watched for the past four weeks! !
I am sat watching rubbish TV for a Saturday night and feeling sorry for myself when the phone rings and it's my older daughter saying can they come and stay before Dad starts radiotherapy. Yes I say, it would be lovely to have other people here to cheer him up, especially our four year old granddaughter who is a bundle of mischief. So more food and preparation ready for them arriving. I have been neglecting the house because hubby is in it so much! He hates me hoovering around him and dusting under his nose, it's only when others are coming, you see the floating seeds that attach themselves to everything at this time of the year, the cobwebs because we live near fields, and the dust from the now dry roads after all the rain. So my hubby and I are looking forward to having some laughter and fun before the toll of the radiotherapy takes effect.
I have been up since 8 am and have just sat down as I write this post, I must have done the recommended steps today, daughter, grandson and granddaughter arriving tomorrow, washing done, bathrooms cleaned, lawn mowed, shopping for food and window cleaner been as they were filthy after the roofers had been!! I have made hubby go out for some fresh air as he has been nowhere for days, I know he is feeling rubbish and is worried about Thursday and radiotherapy but sometimes you get stuck in a rut and need a shove, so I have shoved him! He is coughing more but it's difficult to know whether it's the cancer or the antibiotics drying his system up. We don't even know if the tumour has shrunk more, sInce the end of chemo we seem to have fallen off the radar. Is that normal I ask myself or are we expecting too much from the NHS? I am still angry that we had this cough checked out last September and despite all the television and radio adverts telling you to report a persistent cough it took six months before our surgery twigged that it was serious. What is the point of knowledge if your GP ignores the rules? I am drinking chilled wine whilst typing this, it is my treat at the end of a busy day, but it has been worth it if the family cheer him up.
Well hubby is not in a a good mood and he is determined to try and spoil my joy at everyone coming and I know that when they arrive he will be happy go lucky! He has wound me up to such an extent that everything I planned to do has been left because my mind is concentrating on him. I know he is scared about Thursday and I understand that, it must be terrifying knowing what is coming. So hopefully they will be here soon and take the onus off me so that I can share the burden with someone else for a change! I have bought lots of things for the children to do, little handbag from the charity shop for ELLA and a minecraft sticker book for Alfie, some new tennis balls and bat so they can whack them over the eight foot hedge, thank goodness for Boyes, it's so cheap I don't mind them losing them. Wish me a lovely time!!.
Well the family arrive and hubby instantly brightens up. We decide not to disturb our sleeping arrangements and get the old cot mattress out for Ella and the black and white cow blanket as it has now been named and put it on the floor by my bed, this means I am awoken at 5.45 am by a little one needing a wee! She won't back to sleep so I end up downloadin bbc I player for kids so we don't wake the whole house up. Mummy gets a lie in and by nine O'clock I have already done three hours of playing, feeding and stopping her arguing with her Brother over who has whose I pad! We take off for the indoor play park with hubby in tow but the weather is terrible so everyone has had the same idea. Hubby is looking in pain so we all load back into the car and go home for tea and cake! He is now getting worried about today and fears what's to come, so we are staying close today to be there for him when he comes back. I'll let you know how it goes.
It must be terrifying knowing what is coming but not really knowing. I admire all of you going through the trauma I know I would go quiet and clean like mad as it's a coping mechanism. Thank you for the helpful comments. Carol
We sit around all morning waiting for patient transport, the tension is high and hubby says I just want it over and done with. Daughter and I try to calm him down but it's difficult, transport arrives two hours later and we all wave him off as if he's going to war, which I suppose it is, his own battle with cancer. I stay home not knowing when he is coming back whilst the children go to the park. He arrives home at 5 pm full of all that has happened, it's a doddle, nothing to worry about, the machine has a picture of lovely woods and scenery so he can watch that, all I have to do is moisturis him with cream. The grandchildren are fascinated by Grandma rubbing cream into Grandad and spot his hairy chest! As for myself, it's a long time since I rubbed cream on him!! We all seem more settled and Ella asks if they can stay longer, yes says Mummy, happiness all round!!
It's a beautiful day but we are stuck at home playing tea parties because today I have to take hubby for radiotherapy due to transport not being available on a Saturday! Of course the time is bang in the middle of the day so everything is put on hold. I promise the two children I will take them to the trampoline park to work off some energy. We went to see the Nut Job yesterday (movie) and giggle all the way through apart from the scary bit where I end up with a chocolate covered four year old on my knee because the little girl was pulling heads off dollies! ! Off to Bella Italian, where the grandson goes into teenager ,mode because he wants to go to Pizza Express, so he and Mummy have cross words!! Anyway we arrive home late and I find a starving hubby trying to cook his own tea, we all feel guilty for neglecting him!! Fed and watered, daughter and I settle down with a chilled glass of wine and Coronation Street.
My last 6.00 am start and our little grandaughter doing her meerkat impression from my side of the bed, whispering, Grandma are you awake! Even hubby drags himselg out of bed to say goodbye, I think he had forgotten that there are still two 7 o'clocks in a day. We wave goodbye and the house is suddenly very quiet, we look at each other with a mixture of relief and dismay, they have gone. 8 am my mobile pings, I have fraudulent activity on our bank account. I don't trust the number given, I ring them direct, no I have not spent this money, eventually We find out its I Tunes, the penny drops, dash downstairs to hubby, yes he authorised £1.58, that has turned into £40.00!! Lesson learned, never give a nine year old your password! ! We decide to put it down to experience and blame hubby's lack of brain power due to radiotherapy. Only seventeen sessions to go. Feet up and little nap for both of us methinks. Hope you are all Staying Strong. Xx
Hi Caz glad your hubbys treatment is going ok and you had a good time with the family. We arrived home Saturday so have been washing today. Had a great time went on 3 bike rides and a couple of short walks. Not bad considering just over 2 years ago I just finished chemo and radiotherapy. It's not an easy going through treatment and I'm sure its not easy for the partner. I told my husband " sorry love but this is the sickness and worse bit and if I get through then we are going all out on the better things". Which we are. X
So pleased you enjoyed yourself and that things are looking brighter. My hubby said that he didn't think that I had signed up for this, I said I remember in sickness and health but hadn't banked on this much sickness! ! It's good that we can keep a perspective in between all the travails sent our way. keep in touch. Caz
It's a quarter to ten and hubby is still in bed, I go in and tell him if he doesn't get up I will jump all over him shouting Grandad get up and put your leg on! This works and he drags himself out from under the covers, he is sad that he only has me left to talk to again after all the chat of the last six days. Me I'm off to do some retail therapy, spending , it certainly takes my mind off the boring day ahead! I pop into M & S and treat us to some different food, moussaka, cauliflower cheese, little summer fruit puddings and steaks and mashed potato for dinner tomorrow. I am running out of ideas to tempt him to keep eating and think this will help, well I did until I arrive home to be advised that he now has an upset stomach and thinks it was the curry I made everyone, great another problem to deal with. I give up. Glass of wine, rhubarb shortbread biscuits and feet up, he can sleep it off on the sheepskin chair! See you tomorrow.
I get up early to do a fitness class when hubby asks me to go to the opticians with him because our Grandson gave him a massive hug and snapped them off at the arm! He thinks my days are run around his timetable (which they normally are)and I stand my ground and tell him to go himself, see what he likes and I will come in my sweaty Betty gym kit afterwards. This plan is accepted and I duly meet him later. Chosen some new specs, I agree with his choice, half price offer on so we all agree to go ahead. Problem, his eyes might change until treatment is over so recommend we leave it til then!! The old ones are fixed and the optician takes pity on us, puts the frames away and promises to keep the offer until we go back. It is so thoughtful of people who do not know you but help anyway when you mention cancer. I don't think in the last six months that we have had one negative response when we explain our situation. Back home, ambulance collects him and another countdown on the radiotherapy. The ambulance service calls whilst he is out asking if a car will be OK tomorrow, yes I say, is that his daughter they ask, no wife, oh you sound very young, I do try! !
Well I baste hubby like a Christmas turkey but have not used plain vaseline cream and he is on fire! We have to go upstairs where we position him on a mat and wash him down. No flannels or sponges allowed, no scrubbing just hands and soap, but now I have cold hands he moans making him shiver. Crikey I am losing patience with the constant having to see to him no matter what I may be doing myself!! Still only fifteen sessions left. He then tells me that having seen himself in the three way mirrors at the hospital he is going on a diet, plus the fact his beloved grandaughter has told him he not only has a fat tummy but a fat bum! ! Glad I missed out on those observations! ! I tell him he needs to concentrate on getting better first, this is accepted and he eats all his tea (plus fruit loaf later when he thinks I'm not looking ). Fourteen sessions to go.
Todayis a quiet day. Chatting to neighbours in the sunshine, hubby won't come out, he is becoming a little unsociable. His mind is always on getting better, getting through the treatments and coming out the other end with good results. He has a review today so I am anxiously awaiting his return home. I bump into my friend opposite and she is hanging out the flags as her daughter and fiance are moving to a new home today and she is getting her home back. She has only been in this house a couple of years, she left her hubby when the dog died and she realised she had no one to talk to anymore! ! She makes me laugh and we have a quick natter, thank goodness for good friends. X
I am so cross with myself, hubby had his review and said all is going well, this gave me the confidence to finally check the statistics on cancer survival, only to find that things have not changed in the past forty years and that the survival rate for stage 4 lung cancer at his age is only one to two years from diagnosis. Is this true? We have already gone six months through the treatment, where does that leave us? Do I speak to our Mc Millan nurse and ask the dreaded question that neither of us have asked since diagnosis, or do I carry on being positive for him knowing he wants to live as long as possible. Help me in this all of you, I am lost and afraid again.
Hi Carol. It is a question we want to ask too but like you don't want to hear the answer. When he was first diagnosed the consultant told us that if he had the treatment (radiotherapy and chemotherapy) he could have up to 5 years. I feel that is best case scenario , the uncertainty is what is driving us crazy. I try to keep positive with my husband but when I am alone my mind goes into overdrive and that is when I can't cope. This vile disease has taken over our lives, we are all in the same boat I fear.
Much love to you and yours, I haven't been any help in answering your question but I am thinking of you and hoping that you find some peace of mind.
Thank you Chris, I have tried so hard to stay positive and will take your five year survival rate as a goal to aim for. I keep busy but you are right our alone moments take us to dark places. Thinking of you and all in this daily struggle. Csrol
I find it best to try and forget about the numbers and just get through one thing at a time - like the treatment.
I was told 17% chance of survival but when is that calculated from. My gynaecologist counts from discovery so that's 3 years later this month. My Oncologist counts from the completion of treatment so that's 27 months. The doctor I usually see at my checkup counts from my last scan when everything was clear so that won't be 2 years until November.
I know appointments and treatment take over your life but try to carry on as normal as possible around that.
I am under Doctors orders to get on with my life go on holiday so that's exactly what I am doing. You don't know what is round the corner.