Hello Teagan.  Welcome to this forum.  I was sorry to read of the shocking manner in which your dear Mum died .  The only good thing was that you were there with her when she died, shocking and painful as it was I think you would have been more distressed if she had died alone in this manner.  Even though you knew she was seriously ill you did not expect this to happen.

Nothing prepares you for losing a loved parent; no matter if it is expected it is not something that you can cope with easily and the feelings can last a long time.  Also grieving is a very personal thing.  It can happen immediately, take a while to start happening and it can return when you think you are getting over it.  It is very personal to the person concerned.  You might want to consider ringing Cruse Bereavement Care (Freefone 0808 808 1677) who have a great understanding of grief in all its aspects.  Also you are very welcome to keep posting here and hear from others who have lost loved ones.   Annie

Hi there Teagen ... you only get one mum , and it is the second hardest pain we have, second only to loosing a child ... the early days it is like a raw pain, that's there all the time ... there's no easy way through, it's part of loving someone so much ... all those feelings are normal ... we go through them all in those early months ... but know your not alone, as lots of us have lost our much loved mum's and dads ..

So I'm sending you a big big virtual hug ... Chrissie x