Welcome to Cancer Chat Tayla,

Thank you for sharing your story. It must be heartbreaking for you to be told your mum only has a few weeks to live when she seems to be defying the odds and doing really well. Try not to focus too much on the prognosis as, as many here will know, it isn't exact science.

I hope chemotherapy will help on Monday it's good the oncologist decided to give it a go. I hope you'll hear from some of our members who may have been in a similar situation with a loved one. If you feel it would reassure you to have a second opinion it might be worth looking into it  and getting in touch with that hospital which specializes in cancer but I can understand why you would not want to delay the treatment that is currently on offer. We have some information on our website on getting a second opinion which may be well worth a little read.

The last 2 weeks must have been exhausting for you. If you wanted to talk through your different options with our nurses and you live in the UK, you are welcome to give them a call on this free number 0808 800 4040. Their line is open Monday to Friday from 9am to 5pm.

Best wishes,

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Tayla,

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum’s diagnosis and can understand your worry at the delay in her treatment. I have lost both of my parents and several relatives and close friends to cancer. I have also had 2 bouts of breast cancer myself in the past 8 years.

I know the position you are in, as I lost my own mum to secondary breast cancer 21 years ago. She had breast cancer for 12 years and then developed metastases in her liver, lungs, brain and bone. Her consultant advised us at this stage that they couldn’t do any more for her. We were not at all happy with the treatment she had from diagnosis. She had a mastectomy and radiotherapy, then one recall a year later. She wasn’t seen again until her GP referred her back to the hospital after 12 years.

You describe your mum as being yellow and with very high bilirubin levels. I am no doctor, but this happened to my mum too. She had jaundice and this was sufficient indication for her care team to pronounce it inoperable without doing any further tests. I am glad to hear that your mum looks and feels so strong at the moment, but this can change in the blink of an eye.

When a consultant sees a patient s/he usually runs tests and brings the patient back at a later date for the results. The consultant also holds a weekly MDT (multi-disciplinary team) meeting, where all of the care team discuss the best way forward for the patient. I am sure that when a prognosis such as your mum’s has been given, that this will be discussed at these meetings too. This means that your consultant doesn’t make any decisions on his/her own. The care plan is decided upon by the whole team. The consultant will have held this meeting before he sees a patient back for their results.

The chances are that there would be further delay if you asked for a second opinion, although everyone is perfectly entitled to do this. You can also contact PALS in the hospital and let them know how you feel. The one thing you have to consider in expressing your dissatisfaction is that you don’t get the backs up of the people who are supposed to be caring for your mum by lodging a complaint.

You also have to watch your own health. When is your baby due? If you did get her transferred to another hospital, chances are that you would have further to travel. This could take a lot out of you as you get closer to your delivery date. Do you have any other family to share the load with?

There does seem to be something of a lottery around the country as far as cancer treatment is concerned and it is so frustrating having to wait when you naturally want your mum to be treated as soon as possible. I hope that all went well yesterday for your mum’s first chemo session and that this treatment can buy her some extra time.

My mum didn’t have any further treatment, although she was in hospital for the last 6 weeks of her life and in a hospice for her final 3 days – one of the worst decisions we have ever made, but that’s another story.

I can understand how devastated you are by this diagnosis. It will be easier for both of you if you can come to terms with it. Speak openly with your mum about any information given, support her as much as you can, try to make some precious memories together while she is well enough to do so. She might like to make a memory box for your baby with some photos and some details about herself, or even some memories of you when you were younger.

You will need to be strong for your mum. I found it so heartrending to watch my mum decline so quickly, whilst feeling so helpless that I couldn’t to do anything to ease her pain, yet alone prolong her life.

I am thinking and praying for you both. Please keep in touch and let us know what you decide to do. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx