I’m writing this after spending three days in my room crying. I’m the biggest mamas boy ever. I’ve lived my ENTIRE life with my mom. She has always supported me, been there for me and we share a sense of humor so she always makes me smile. She is my best friends and the strongest bond I have in my life. No other bond I have comes close to being as strong as the one I have with my mother. As a kid I would start crying if she was away from home for too long because I would think something happened. She once got into a car accident but came out completely unharmed, I still managed to cry for two hours afterwards. As a kid I remember I started to cry at my grandmother’s house because I was introduced to the concept of death at an inappropriately young age thanks to my old cousin who thought it was funny. I cried because I realized that one day my mother wouldn’t be there. I am now 19 and I still live with my moa s I attend college.
After my step father left to be with another woman, my mother started showing signs of odd behavior, so my god father came to live with us and he started helping her out. Someone during this time period she freaked out and told me that she was suicidal but I was the only thing keeping her alive. A day before, she was curious and got a scan of her brain to compare it to the brains of well know geniuses, because she is super nerdy. She discovered she had a brain tumor. After revealing this formation she had a breakdown and it took some several months before she started calming down. I was very optimistic and thought they it might be a Benign Tumor and that she could survive it with no problem and we could get her help. But one day while talking to her she let it slip that she was given only three years to live. This destroyed me. I entered a state of extreme depression and had no one there with me.
Over the course of the following years, my mother was showing signs of being healthier and healthier and I started becoming hopeful again that she would be a survivor. I was so happy when she showed up to my high school graduation and cheered me on. I thought that now she would get to see me graduate college and she would get to meet her grandchildren, but again my hopes were dashed. A few days ago she entered my room randomly and had a serious financial discussion with me, this scared me as it was unexpected and her tone made it seem like she was in some trouble. I was worry so after she left my room I eavesdropped on a conversation she had with my god father. They discussed how she only had a little time left so she wanted to be happy and make sure I was all right. After that conversation she has been showing signs of depression and just general sadness. This has confirmed my belief that she has brain cancer.
I’ve been sitting in my room trying to distract myself with everything I can, but nothing is making me happy. I wake up every morning with the relief that maybe it was just a dream, but it isn’t a dream. My best friends are still in their last year of high school so I spend the mornings and evenings alone crying to myself as I stare at a paused video game screen. A screen that has been paused for hours, days because I want to distract myself, but these videogames no longer make me feel better. Usually I escape all of the troubles I face by running to my mom and talking to her, laughing and having a good time, or by playing my video games with joy. Now nothing makes me happy but being by her side. Every moment I get I go to her and ask her if she needs anything or try to make her smile. She smiles…but I’m not sure if those are real smiles or if she just wants to make me feel better.
There is this feeling of hopelessness that tears me apart inside. I can’t do anything; we don’t have the money to get help for her. Her time is running out and I’m going to lose the only thing I cared for. She is the reason I could be motivated, she is my source of happiness, she I the reason I have confidence in myself. She is the only reason I’ve gotten this far. I’ve accomplished everything I’ve accomplished to make her proud or help her out. I don’t have any passions for anything, but I push forward to do my best so that I can make her smile. Its killing me to watch her suffer, to know that soon she won’t be here.
What will I do? I don’t know. I’m an only child and none of my friends are going through a similar struggle. I feel so alone, I’m so helpless. I keep wishing to some all-powerful force out there to make my mother healthy again, praying to god to touch her and heal her so that she can stay here with me. There will be no one to laugh at the silly jokes I make, all those inside jokes we have formed over years will be pointless now. Our favorite TV shows we watched together will only be a source of sadness and depression. I try so hard not to cry in front of her. Whenever she is around I smile and I prance around in joy to make her smile, but I’m dying inside. There is nothing I can do. I’ve literally told my mother I’ve loved her for every day of my life it was possible. I’ve never had an outburst against her and I’ve only showed love and compassion. I do everything I can to help her….I put every last fiber of my being into making her happy. But now there is nothing I can do.
I’m forced to live the rest of my life without her. I always imagined that we would grow old and die around the same time as we are only 16 years apart in age. I always imagined she would be around to joke and play with my future wife and her grandchildren. I always imagined we would be able to hassle each other in our old age for being old. I’m not old and wise, I still need my mom, I don’t know what to do. There is nothing I can do but love her every day until she is gone. There is no one I can talk to, so I’m posting this here. I’m sorry if I ranted or typed out any incoherent sections, I’m just so broken right now. My mind is in a constant state of shock. It’s like waking up from a dream that isn’t a nightmare, but one that is horrible. A dream in which you lose everything and life is bleak, dull and depressing. Usually you wake up in relief with a smile on your face to realize that the dream wasn’t a reality….only now it is. Every night I’m scared to go to sleep. Every morning I wake up depressed, knowing that the future is coming closer. All I can do is support her and continue on loving her. Every time leave her room I start crying again. I cried while typing most of this. I’m amazed my eyes haven’t dried up yet.
I know that I might be being selfish. There are other people who have literally lost everything; there are people who have lived their whole lives with nothing. But to me my mom is everything. I am who I am because of her. I look around my room and I cry because she has given me so much. These games that I enjoy so much and am addicted to, she bought them for me because she didn’t want me to use my own money, she wanted to do something for me. She constantly asks me if I need anything or if I am hungry. She gets food for herself and always makes sure to save some for me. Whenever she sees me without a smile on my face she puts on the goofiest act to make me smile, and it always works. And all I can do right now is cry. The scariest thing for me is that I believe in god but I’m not religious. You probably think I’m an idiot for saying something like that. But I believe there is an intelligent force ut there that is extremely powerful that created us and everything around us, but I don’t know what kind of creator they are. I can only hope that heaven is real and when I die I will be reunited with my mother. It scares me to think that we were made to exist just so that me way cease to exist, that when we die we are machines being cut off and there is no long anything. It is a bit strange to worry because if we truly are just being cut off, I won’t have to experience it. But that kind of ending I dislike. I want to live on after death in some way. I want to reunite with my mother when I die.
If you are atheist, please don’t bash me. That is just what I believe and how I feel. I’ve been telling myself to have faith and that one day we will reunite. I just can’t stand the thought of never seeing her beautiful smile again, of seeing that awkward shaky dance she does to make me smile and laugh, her jokes and her chill attitude. In will miss her. I will miss the memories we shared, I will cry when we can no longer create new memories together, and I will miss her..the person she was, the existence that had such a powerful impact on everyone around her. I still hope and pray that maybe the doctor made some mistake and that she isn’t really dying. I hope and pray that she will beat this and survive and continue to laugh and dance and joke. I hope and pray that some force bestows upon me the power to heal people with a touch and that I can go around healing others.
I’m sorry if I came off as selfish. I’m being torn apart on the inside and needed to type this out. I needed someone to talk to. If you came this far and read all of this then I thank you and encourage you to reply.
I will be typing out another paper, this one describing all of the good times I’ve had with my mother and all of the memories we shared and that I have of her. If you want to read this then I will share it. I also like to talk to people over voice chats. I have a skype and discord if anyone wants to chat, I could really go for a nice chat.