Hello mumsrose and welcome to the forum. Sad news about your mum and you must be having a very hard time.    What you describe is not unusual - not in my experience anyway.  I lost both my mum and dad some years ago.  I didn't worry too much about starting to cry while talking to family and friends;  I just let it happen while we were talking.  It was okay and gave me more strength to go with the flow of whatever firstly my mum and a few years later my dad wanted when I was with them.   I felt it was better that way round.  My dad in particular hated it when some people immediately burst into tears every time they saw him, sometimes just when he was feeling okay about things.  So in my book you are doing okay.  You have a chance to let your stresses and pain flow out and you can still cry with your mum on the occasions when she is crying too and it feels the right thing to do.  Don't worry yourself too much; it is never easy.  Where is your mum - in hospital or at home - and does she have other family members helping to care for her - I only ask because of your writing "When I see her" and I hoped that you are able to share your feelings with other family members.  Best wishes.  Annie

Hi there ... so sorry your mum has been diagnosed with cancer ... there's always sadness when someone we love gets this ... but what I would say, is at her age, would her body be strong enough to take chemo and radio ... it takes it out of fit ones ... and I'm not sure I'd have wanted to see my mum go through that ... 

But l quite understand you just want anything to keep her with you ... and it's so hard, thinking of someone we love not being in our lives ... if it were me, and in your place, I would try and make every day a memory day ... listen to all her stories and tales of when she was young ... would she like to do something special... a show, a favourite film, fish and chips by the sea ... 

I lost my mum to a sudden heart attack... and what I'd give for just one day ... so grab each day and fill it with love and memories ... and people do go on longer then expected ... and hold on to the fact she won't have to go through all those things chemo bring with it ..

Sending you a big hug ... Chrissie xx 

Thank you for your kind words.

We are hoping that mum will be coming home tomorrow.  She has been very independent up until now - her cottage is just yards from my younger brother.  We spent today making adjustments so that she will be able to live there - moving her bedroom downstairs, removing trip hazards etc  One thing she really wanted was the carpet changed in her new bedroom and we have also managed that, or will do when the carpet fitter has been tomorrow morning.  My mum lived overseas for 24 years until my stepfather died and when she moved back she had a wee extension put on with a wet room and large porch - preparing for the time when she was less mobile.

I don't k now how long she has with us (I'm sure she is shielding that from me) but I'll treat each day as a bonus.