Hi cc1182

This is a difficult one as I can only answer as someone going through treatment!

My husband is amazing but, my body no longer feels like my own! It’s not just the physical changes, it’s the lack of control and emotional challenges that treatment brings. 

My husband is very supportive but often drives me mad , trying not to say the wrong thing or not arguing back when I really need a blow out! 

All you can do is assure her that you love her and will be there when she’s ready! She might never be but that’s a different bridge to cross later on! Maybe offer to attend some counselling with her? Most treatment centres know about local support groups! 

I think I sometimes forget that it is hard for me to go through treatment but it must be harder for my family to watch me go through treatment knowing they can’t do more than be there! 

Just tell her how much you want to be with her and that you will give her time to find herself! Be warned, it won’t be the same ‘self’ as before her treatment.

Good luck and I hope it all works out for you both

Hi Fightingeveryday,

Thank you for replying and explaining how you are feeling whilst going through your treatment, it does help and I hope that you are feeling ok at the moment.

We spent some time together again over the weekend and it honestly feels like I am with a completely different person now. We were still holding hands and hugging etc. but she told me she doesn't want to have to think about my emotions and she is constantly talking about plans that don't include me, which is especially hard because we were supposed to be going on holiday in October which she has now cancelled.

I think in her mind if we are just friends then she has less to lose if she gets sick again or I decide I don't want to be with her somewhere down the line. I have tried to talk to her about how I feel and assure that I am not going anywhere and I love her but anytime we get close to having an emotional conversation she gets very defensive and pushes me away evern more.

I suppose I just want someone to tell me that this is normal and if I give her some time she will start thinking about us as a couple again but I have had a tough year as well and it's very emotionally draining being in a one sided relationship if that's what it even is anymore.  

Is it normal for people to go through cancer treatment / surgery to exhibit a lack of empathy for people around them especially their partners afterwards? Is there anywhere I can get counselling for myself even if she thinks she doesn't need it?

Hi cc1182

it could be a defence mechanism! I’d be lying if I didn’t say I had thought about walking away from everything!

its really hard for you right now and the reality is that she may not want it to go back to how it was! Cancer is life changing! Contact McMillan about counselling! They are are there for everyone effected by cancer, not just the patient. 

As hard as it is, give yourself time. As I said previously,  the pre-cancer person is gone. She will need to find who she is after cancer! Our bodies and minds change so much and we live in constant fear of recurrence! 

Iltimately, don’t be afraid of moving forward with or without her! 

X

Hi Fightingeveryday,

Thanks again for getting back to me.

I have decided to stay in touch but give her lots of space to comes to terms with everything that's happened and focus on myself for a while.

I think you are right in saying that I have been holding on to the past too much and as hard as it is, I really need to accept that she is a different person now with different plans for the future.

Hopefully in time she will let me back into her life and we can have that future together. Ultimately however I just want her to be happy so if right now she can't deal with the pressure of a relastionship, as much as that hurts me to hear I need to be patient and let her come back to me if she wants to.

I wish you all the best with your treatment and hope you make a full recovery soon. 

Thanks again