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Regrets..

1 Dec 2019 11:57

My dad was diagnosed at the end of August '19 and he died last week and all I'm thinking about is what I should have done but didn't do. I should have taken more time off work to spend with him. I work full time and although I sat with him every day after work watching films, it wasn't enough. I should have spent every single day I had off work with him but I didn't. Some days I would go out with friends and I hate myself for it. Every day off should have been spent with him. I didn't realise how little time he had. Now I'm angry with myself for not spending 100% of my time with him and I can't sleep thinking about it. I miss him so much Sad

Regrets..

1 Dec 2019 16:07 in response to Neword123

Hi Neword

I don't post on this forum (i'm one of those that enjoys reading...I find it helpful after a parent died from cancer very shortly after diagnosis). 

I just wanted to say....with 100% certainty...that you did do enough for your Dad. It is easy to have regrets after losing a parent and also easy to assign blame to ourselves but...in both of our cases, this isn't necessary. 

You spent enough time with your Dad. And...let me tell you something else....you taking a break to be with your friends and go out was desperately needed. You needed to be away from your Dad and cancer so that you could continue to be strong and support him. You need that away time and an opportunity to give your brain a break from cancer. Life goes on with a cancer diagnosis...it has to...I can remember going out with friends and going on a short holiday myself when my parent was diagnosed. 

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. At this time....the last thing you need is you giving yourself a hard time. Please - take a more compassionate approach with yourself. You did more than enough. Don't be angry at yourself....I can understand being angry at cancer but not yourself because you have done absolutely nothing wrong. 

Please...make a conscious effort to let go of any regret or guilting yourself....you should be praising yourself instead for making time for your Dad and him passing in the know that he was very well loved by you xxx 

Ps...just read your other post. My parent died from the same cancer as yours less than one month after diagnosis. And YES it does get easier!

Regrets..

1 Dec 2019 18:25 in response to citygirl111

Thanks so much for your reply..  I needed to hear that today. Last night, I dreamt my dad was singing to me (he had a brilliant voice) and it was so real. When I woke, I realised he's not here and it was probably the worst I've felt yet. I still can't get my head around it. I hope it does get better. Big hugs to you too ♥♥♥ x

Regrets..

1 Dec 2019 23:32 in response to Neword123

Hi Neword

Such dreams are a blessing....but...at the same time, can be very disturbing and upsetting. I do hope you were able to take some comfort from the dream of your Dad singing. I note he had a good voice. Did he ever do anything with it? Sing in a group? Choir? Or perhaps he enjoyed a kareoke on occasion  

It is awful to be left with such an empty feeling. As you heal and move forward (sadly... life goes on), this will be replaced. And...soon you will be able to remember your Dad without that awful feeling of grief in your heart. I know this because I am living proof of it. You will come out of the other side. 

In the meantime, you just have to go with it...you just have to ride out the emotions and pain. Don't worry about what you should or should not be feeling. Everything you are experiencing...pain...anger...hopelessness is (awful but) completely normal. 

I was considering you when I was speaking to a friend tonight. She has hospice workers who come around to her house to assist with her dear Mum who is dying (not from cancer but from another terminal illness which is as serious). She said the hospice team come over which enables her to sleep...or go out with friends....volunteer in her role....today she went to the stables to see some horses. The hospice team actively encourage her to do this so that she can go away, recover and come back refreshed. This is exactly what you did when you went out with friends (even if you didn't consciously think you were). Let's face it...you are a young person...cancer steals so much....in our cases (because your Dad and my Mum was very poorly), there was a lot of bad news. Who can blame you for wanting some time out of that. Nobody could. You felr supported with your friends and they were a good distraction and that is absolutely fine.  

You sound like a lovely person. I know your Dad would have known you loved him very much and would be very proud of you. Also...I am sure if your Dad could have a say now, he would tell you not to be silly and that you couldn't have been more loving and supportive. 

Lots of love xxx 

Regrets..

2 Dec 2019 11:35 in response to Neword123

I had similiar feelings after my mum died in september. Although I did spend alot of time with her including taking time off work after she passed it still did not feel like enough when she was gone. 

What I want to say is these are common feelings and you probably would of felt the same even if you had spent every second with your dad.

Once they are gone and you can no longer communicate with them everything seems regretful.

 

Regrets..

2 Dec 2019 21:35 in response to citygirl111

He had a great voice but he never did anything with it! He was a quiet, solitary man. He sang like Bing Crosby or Perry Como. He'd do a bit of karaoke after a few beers Thanks so much. You've helped a lot. Today I have been thinking of how I don't want to feel this sad forever yet I'm scared of moving on and forgetting him. His quirks, his humour, his awkwardness, his mannerisms, his voice, ect ect. I still feel like he's with me and then I remember, he's gone lots of love x