Hi there, 

I noticed you havent had a reply yet so hopefully me replying will bring it back to the top and more people will see your post. 

Im so sorry you feel like this though and I think I understand. Im on here because my dad had cancer and Ive had so much support and love from everyone here but I havent been though your situation myself. 

I feel like I might undertsand a little bit because I had twins 7 years ago, I had a C section and my tummy is now a complete mess.(Im not trying to compare a C section with having cancer-I honestly mean it from a body image point of view)

I have a lot of scarring, its chubby and over hangs where I was cut. Its really taken its toll on my self confidence and it does upset me. At the time similar to how you felt all I wanted was the operation done and my babies delivered safely but as time went by I became more and more distressed at my body. I saw my GP and he offered to refer me to see about having a tummy tuck but I cannot face going through it and I toy with the idea constantly. 

I cant see myself ever getting up the courage to have the operation because I worry if it went wrong who would look after my children etc and Im too scared anyway. 

Ive learned to dress well to hide it and nobody has ever made mean comments to me about it. Its just me and how I feel so much less attractive because of it. I used to have such a perfect little body and now Im a bit bigger plus the belly so I feel like a giant elephant walking about sometimes  but its not the be all and end all. 

Youve been through a massive ordeal, youre still having treatment. I would try not to worry about this just yet. Put it on the back burner for now until youre fully recovered and then decide what you want to do. In the mean time you could do what I do to boost my confidence and as I always say and people on here are probably sick of me saying- you have to find ways to be kind to yourself. I do face masks, bubble baths, sometimes I have my nails done. I have spanx that suck me right in so tight I can hardly breathe if I want to wear a nice dress out, there are ways of boosting your confidence and feeling better without even thinking of putting yourself through more surgery at the moment. 

I cant imagine exactly what youre going through but please try to be proud of yourself for coming this far and see your body as something incredible that has survived such trauma. I know its hard and I feel for you I really do but please dont feel so sad about this. At least try not to. It will all be ok and you will feel better. 

Take care

Tracy

Hi

I know exactly how you feel.I had my masectomy in 2014 then had to wait 2 yrs for my reconstruction.  I like you was dreading another operation but was so pleased at the result felt complete again. It wasn't easy but I would do it all over again if I had to. Good luck with whatever you decide xx

Hi silverdays, it might help you to have a look at SHELTIE_LADY.... or THE GOOD AND THE BAD its mostly ladies with similar problems to you and a few others. Best wishes for the future... Billy 

Hi, 

Thank  you for your reply, that's really encouraging as I feel I will be able to face the reconstruction surgery in the future. First I have to go through the treatment. It's such a long process 18 weeks until chemo is over ! 
Silver 

Yes I have completed 18 weeks chemo it is a long haul and not easy. Sending Best Wishes

Hi Silverdays and Im sorry to hear you are having these concerns, I found my lump in October, and went through biopsy etc and had mastectomy with reconstruction on 3/12. It felt very fast, and Ive been very concerned about the outcome. Id had an implant put in when I was 18 which meant I wasnt a candidate for radiotherapy so it was all out or mastectomy and rebuild. I was born with a deformed chest, didnt know it was Poland syndrome (dented bones and missing muscles) my decision about reconstruction felt like I had to have it, I went back to horrible memories of the cat calling and bullying I experienced at school (Id had to wear a mastectomy prosthesis through my teenage years) so couldnt face not having reconstruction, but when I saw it it post op, I was such a mess I really doubted myself and my choice, as the old deformity is really obvious now, as the implant had to be removed, It had set like stone. Im 61, so no spring chicken, but when I had my last appt with breast nurse she gave me a prosthesis, to help fill out my baggy bra on that side. Ive read about other forms of reconstruction - using flaps from the back or the tummy area, and doubtless people on here can give you advice. Mine was a bag of jelly of some sort, Its weird., Im not used to it, to me it feels a bit like a wonky hot water bottle, and from past experience I know it takes time to get used to feeling the weight of any impanted thing. I hope you can get some feedback from others about having reconstruction later on. This may sound totally ridiculous, but in many respects I was more worried about the mental impact of suddenly feeling like the 12-18 year old bullied schoolgirl than I was about the tumour. I couldnt agree to having the mastectomy without reconstruction, emotionally   and due to previous implant other options were off the table (there was some comment that  it could have been an explositon or fire risk to leave the old one in if theyd given me radiotherapy!) I dont know if further plastic surgery will be an option you want to consider, as its such early days, and my guess is you will be in shock at the change in your body shape, let alone the enormity of the cancer diagnosis.  I was surprised to be offerred a "chicken fillet" silicone gel breast prosthesis to go inside my bra to level me up, and whilst its weird, and not something I had aspired to, its a whole lot better than what I experienced as a teenager.  Something I am struggling with mentally is that the "new" reconstructed breast looks like me at 25, horribly scarred but quite "perky", and radically different in appearance to the droopy 60 something year old one on the left side, it is like a nasty version of before and after. But Im only 8 weeks post op, so I need to remember things will settle.  Maybe you could ask the breast nurse to talk it over with you whilst you heal and discuss future options, depending on what was found at your surgery, and then come to conclusions about what  options could be right for you, and what your timescale would be if you do go ahead. I dont know if its something thats available in your area, but one thing my surgeon commented on was that there is a tattoo artist locally, in Bromsgrove near Birmingham, who can offer patients nipple tattooing, to give them a new nipple appearance. I winced at the thought of it, but apparently it has proved popular, even though when she attempted to show the results etc of what she can do on facebook, they refused to let it on. Reconstruction would be another operation for you, but if it isnt something that is medically advisable, or possible, your breast nurse may be able to help you work through other options. Please give yourself time, you have been through perhaps one of the toughest medical and emotional challenges, and maybe time and allowing yourself space to grieve and process what has happened is what you need now. please let us know you get on over the weeks ahead, thinking of you, k

Hello,

Thank you for replying. It might take me a year or two but I will def consider reconstruction if only to feel better about myself. 
Maybe you could do some more research and weigh up how much better you would feel if you had the surgery. Big decision I know. But you are young with 7 year olds and there's nothing wrong with wanting to look your best.

Im a lot older than you but still want to look attractive

I've just had a bone scan and will be starting 6 sessions of chemo, one every 3 weeks then radiotherapy . What joy.... but if it kills those cancer cells must be worth it. 
 

Best wishes,

Silver

Hi Silver,

Thats ok, Its so hard to know what everyone is going through, luckily you have had replies from ladies who are in the same position who understand a lot better than I do. 

Anyhing that helps you feel better after this whole experience has got to be a good thing and so worth it. 

Seeing as youre still in the middle of it at the moment make sure you look after yourself now and in the moment. Lots of pampering, take lots of time for yourself if you can. Easier said than done sometimes but Ive learned to factor in times for myself even within the busy home environment because I feel I need to.

I think all women want to look nice whatever our age (Im 43) but please dont be down about your body, its putting up a fight and doing really well. Theres plenty of time to think about reconstructing it back to how it was and you will do that soon enough but hopefully in the mean time you can focus on getting well again. 

I feel for you so much, I hope youve got lots of support at home, we are always here for you, like I said I dont have the experience but if you ever want to chat please dont hesitate to give me a nudge and Ill be right there. 

Hugs and best wishes

Tracy

Ahh, thats nice of you, Tracy. I'm just trying to stay busy and not dwell too mucn. 

Looking after a little dog this weekend which will take my mind off things.

Silver x

I am in your position but my reconstruction was delayed due to CV. So, I had left mastectomy only 6 weeks ago and am left flat with the prospect of reconstruction and reduction on other side ahead of me. It is very scary, I don't want more operations but also don't want to remain the same for ever more. Relieved cancer has been removed which was the main objective but still hard to cope with the aftermath. 
I hope you are keeping safe during these odd times.