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Pregnant and my Dad has cancer

16 Apr 2019 20:30

Hi everyone, 

I’m really struggling at the moment and I just needed somewhere to vent and to see if anyone else has had a similar experience. 

I’m 28 and I’m currently 3 months pregnant with my first baby. Just before I found out I was pregnant my Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer which unfortunately isn’t curable. The doctors are currently saying he is too weak for chemo and they are reluctant to operate on him due to his age. He’s really very unwell at the moment although we can’t seem to get a proper prognosis.

I don’t live very close to my parents and I’m currently juggling full time work and being able to get up there to see him as much as possible. 

At the moment my brain is in overdrive and it seems like I can only ever feel one thing at a time - either I’m over the moon about the pregnancy, or I’m in a mess thinking about Dad. 

Has anyone else had a similar experience at all? At the moment I just feel so overloaded and it’s a real struggle. 

Thank you in advance, 

Em

Pregnant and my Dad has cancer

16 Apr 2019 20:57 in response to Emjm9

Hi there ...

No wonder your all over the place .. early pregnancy plays with your hormones ... up one minute, down the next ... and hopefully you've escaped the morning sickness ... 

It will get better as you move on in your pregnancy ... the hormones will even out ... and you'll be able to think clearer .. but give yourself a few weeks yet to be "all over the place"  

Your brain is feeling so confused ... if you get those happy baby feelings, you feel guilty about your dad ... if you get really sad thoughts of your dad .. your brain wants you to feel guilty because of those good  feelings ... if that makes sense ... 

So just be kind to yourself ... and know it's o.k to feel both ... and DON'T feel guilty about either ... sending you a big vertual hug ... Chrissie xx

Pregnant and my Dad has cancer

16 Apr 2019 21:18 in response to Emjm9

Our circumstances sound very similar (minus the pregnancy ) My Dad has terminal cancer diagnosed last month and we live about an 8 hour drive away. We have a 5 year old and I work full time. My head is all over the place. We’re all trying to come to terms with the diagnosis, as well as support him emotionally. He’s so angry right now . 

Your hormones won’t be helping but try not to let this stop you from enjoying your pregnancy. 

Not sure how long your dad will be with you but once you’ve got your head around it maybe keeping a journal may help, happy moments to share with your new child in years to come. 

Sorrybto hear what you’re going through but please look after yourself for your babies sake xx

Pregnant and my Dad has cancer

17 Apr 2019 04:33 in response to Emjm9

Hi Em. I'm so sorry that you're going through this emotional rollercoaster. Unfortunately, I lost my dad to stage 4 lung cancer just 17 weeks after diagnosis. We opted out of treatment since multiple doctors confirmed that it would've had to have been an aggressive treatment but my dad, although strong at 78 years old, also had dementia (Alzheimer's disease). He too wasn't deemed a good candidate for surgery (of  a 7cm tumor in his right lung), and the cancer had already spread to the lymph nodes in his chest. Again I'm so sorry and I know this is not the news that you wanted to hear but now you have to fight alongside your dad.  I would highly recommend that you move closer to dad if at all possible. I had dropped everything including 28 years of my life in Florida, quit a great job and relocated to Texas to spend the last 3 months with dad and family. I would do it all over again.  I took numerous pictures and videos from the very start of our journey to the end, and it was bitter sweet (to say the least). Please feel free to ask any questions. Try to focus in having a happy and healthy pregnancy, and making your dad a grandpa (as I never did). God bles you and your family 

Pregnant and my Dad has cancer

17 Apr 2019 16:43 in response to rebvelaz83

Thank you all so much for your replies. It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone. 

 

Pregnant and my Dad has cancer

13 Aug 2019 01:13 in response to Emjm9

Hi,

i just was wondering how you and your dad are getting on? It’s a bit late (have only just seen this thread)but I’m in a very similar position with my dad. We found out he has terminal oesophageal cancer in May when I was around 6 months pregnant. Like you he is too weak for chemo and it’s spread too far to operate. 

 

I  am now about to pop (c section booked this week) and dad has progressed - he is very weak and I’m keeping everything crossed he will be able to visit the hospital. I totally understand the feeling one emotion at a time thing - it is so bizarre to be so happy and yet so sad at the same time! I am either smiling to myself thinking about how amazing the next few months are going to be or I am an absolute mess and feel so angry, like the world is out to get us. He was so excited to be a grandpa for the first time. 

My friend went through the exact same thing with her dad when she was pregnant and she told me that whilst her dad didn’t make it to meet her daughter her pregnancy and then looking after a newborn really helped her through the grieving process  

Please feel free to message me if you want to chat xx

Pregnant and my Dad has cancer

13 Aug 2019 20:06 in response to lilybethjames

Hi Lilybeth,

Not great news from my end - my Dad sadly passed away on 12th May, so not too long after my post. He fought all the way to the end but he ended up getting a bad case of pneumonia on top of his cancer (which had also spread to his oesophagus) and just couldn’t fight anymore. 

In his last few days he didn’t really want to talk about the baby - I think he knew he wouldn’t make it, but he had told me beforehand how excited he was and I’m just so glad he knew. I’m really keeping my fingers crossed for you that your dad will be able to meet your little one, and wish you the best of luck with your c section! 

I can definitely see where your friends coming from - I’m still only 30 weeks but I have found that thinking about the baby and occupying my mind with baby things has really helped me with the grieving process. I think life has a clever way of timing things sometimes!

Best of luck and I’m keeping my fingers crossed for your Dad - it’s so tough but just stay as strong as you can and try to stay positive. 

Likewise if you want to chat at any time please drop me a message Happy 

Em x