Hi Kays,

Don't apologise for anything, really sorry to hear your news, it must very difficult to come to terms with.

This isn't my area at all but just wanted you to know your post had been read and that there are people here to talk to.  Totally understand if you want to speak to people about your husband's specific type of cancer, in which case it can help to use the type of cancer in the subject thread, alternatively if you use the search function it will bring up existing threads on the subject.  But otherwise we're all living with cancer either ourselves or through loved ones and we're all here to support each other.

None of us are going to know a timescale obviously and all I could advise is to make the most of each day.  It makes it hard if you were thinking holidays or that (?) but there are lots of plans you can make that are very short-term and often the simpler they are the more memorable they are.

Is your husband now in full-time care or is he at home with you?  What kinds of things are you thinking you would like to do with him?

Sorry my brain isn't up to much today but just didn't want your post going unanswered.

Best wishes,

LJx

Hi LJ

thank you so much for your kind words. 

Its nice to know that someone out there is listening. 

No my husband is still at home with me and that’s where he’s going to stay. The Macmillan nurse asked if he wanted to go into hospital or a hospice in the future for symptom relief but he said no  wants to stay at home with family around him  

we live in a “granny flat” adjacent to my daughter, her husband and out three grandsons and my son and his wife only live round the corner so we’re all here for him  

At the moment is is still managing to get around the house slowly ans breathlessly but the oxygen helps. 

Had a hospital bed delivered today as he can no longer mange the stairs so hopefully that will help. 

He doesn’t want to do anything anymore. It’s as though he’s given up. We took him to Liverpool back in May as he’s a big Beatles fan and he wanted to go on an Emmerdale tour which we did in June. He did want to go to the set of coronation street but he doesn’t want to do that anymore. 

I know what you mean about none of us know times. 2 of my cousins were diagnosed at the same time as my husband. 

The one is still on chemo and although he looks poorly he’s still hanging in there. The other one was given the all clear following his treatment. That was on the Monday and in the Friday he had a massive heart attack and that was it. 

Sorry for babbling on, how are you. Are you caring for someone or are you suffering yourself?

thank you again for replying to my post. 

Hope to speak to you again

Kay x

Hi Kay,

You're very welcome.

Sounds lovely having all the family around, that's a really good set-up you've gotand it will certainly make a difference at a time like this.  I will do my usual mantra though of 'look after yourself too!', it's too easy to forget when caring for someone.  Sorry about your cousins, your family really is having a time of it, I often wonder why stuff isn't spread out more.

Your husband's choice of trips made me laugh slightly, are you sure he's not my mother-in-law?  They must be peas in a pod.  I swear if she was ever in that situation that's what she'd choose.  So sounds like your husband's probably got quite a good personality to him.  Must make it all the harder if it seems he's given up, and I can understand that with the lung involvement, it's just such a fundamental function.

I'm on here due to having stage 3 breast cancer.  It was only discovered at stage 3 but if I hadn't pushed for the umpteenth time in 5 years to start early screening then I'd still have been none the wiser so I've been lucky (well obstinate :-D ).  I've been through breast cancer twice with my mum (once in her early 40s and again in her 60s) so have experience on that side of it too.

Given the late discovery my stats aren't great (around 6-7 in 10) and my oncologist was quick to stress that treatment might not work, but I'll do what I can and aim to beat it.  It's difficult to strike the balance of ensuring people know you're still fighting, rather than giving in, and also making sure you live and sorting things in case you don't make it, I wish people could understand that you can fight it hard while still taking care of some practicalities just in case.

Overall I'm hopeful, but equally I can say that I've lived and I've known great people and great love.  My biggest problem is having an identical twin that's completely in denial and won't even ask her GP to refer her to start screening.

There have been days on the steroid treatment where I've thought "if I had to go through this again I'd just say no" and much as it sounds incredibly selfish when there are people willing us to live unfortunately the treatments, nevermind the situation itself, can bring bouts of depression.  So I can see there may come a time when I 'give in', I doubt I'm always going to be upbeat.

I feel like I've not got anything to say to help cause I don't know your husband or what he's like but I'll toss around some thoughts cause maybe something will strike a chord.

Having given a lot of thought to what I will want approaching the end (outside of your husband's need for lots of rest obviously)
- I'd love to have people sit around me sharing old family stories, looking at old photos etc.
- as above but people talking about what plans they have for their lives
- sit outside and watch the sunset/stars with my husband
- I've got the beach close by so I'd definitely be trying to have a sea view for a bit
- would be great to watch my nieces and nephews play and laugh
- to listen to beautiful music

I guess for me it's all stuff that touches the senses and makes you feel alive (ironically) and it's all the stuff in which there is great but simple beauty and you can get lost in it.  To lose yourself in the sound of loved ones laughing I think is one of life's greatest pleasures.  And while it will be a sad time for you all I know from my gran's passing that leading up to it was a time where she was surrounded by a lot of genuine laughter as her family chatted to each other.  In many ways I think that helps bridge the gap to remembering the person they were before the cancer even before they have passed and then you already have the good memories with you to help as you go through the grieving process.  Sorry if this is stuff you already know, you've probably already lost loved ones.

And just so sorry you're going through this, it's just not the way to see a loved one go.

I do want to add that he may be feeling that he's ready to go but struggle with saying it or maybe want your approval?  I hope that doesn't sound odd but I know when the time comes that I feel ready to go that I would want to be able to say that to my husband and be given 'permission' almost.  It might be that you have to broach the subject and let him know that you're going to be okay and when it's the right time for him...

I'll be kicking around here whatever emotions or words you need or want to share, whenever.  I realise you've got your family but sometimes it's handy to have someone unconnected to it all to vent to.  I've seen a lot of bereavement over the years so no reactions surprise me and I can imagine you might be rightly feeing cheated by all of this.

Will be keeping you very much in my thoughts and I hope you all get some really great, loving family time together.

LJx

Hi LJ

sorry for not responding sooner but unfortunately my hubby took a turn for the worse and sadly passed away yesterday. 

He wasn’t at home as we had planned, but the hospital staff were so very caring and respectful. 

It was very peaceful in the end and I was by his side the whole time. 

My prayers and thoughts are with you and thank you for your kind words. 

Kay xx

Hi Kay, 

I just saw your post and wanted to offer you my sincerest condolences for your loss.

It's a shame your husband wasn't able to be at home but I'm glad that his passing was peaceful and you were able to be by his side when it happened.

My thoughts are with you at this time Kay.

Kind regards, 

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Kay,

Desperately sorry to hear that but pleased that you were by his side and he had a peaceful passing.

Thank you for your prayers and thoughts, you still have mine and if you ever want to talk just give me a shout.

Will be keeping you in mind as you go through this difficult time.

LJx