Hello Bella76.  So sorry to read about this.  I am in no way an expert on relationship counselling but I think you are going to have to let him do what he wants. I don't know how close your boyfriend is to his mother but this clearly hit him badly.  If you put pressure on him he may disappear from your life completely.  I am surprised that his mother does not ask him about you and why you are not mentioned/are not around.   I am presuming that she knows of your existence and has even met you?    Sorry to be guessing like this but of course I know nothing about your relationship and how well his family know you.  No easy answers here.   It is good that you have come to this forum and set your thoughts out and I do feel for you.  Unless your boyfriend starts to miss you and has a change of heart it is really up to you how long you are prepared to wait.    Annie

Hi Bella

Such a sad situation for you both to be in and with long distance relationships it is difficult to assess just what he needs right now as I am pretty sure you already know.  Being diagnosed as terminal probably means that he wants to spend as much time with his Mum (how lovely they have this close bond) in the time she does have remaining.  My Mum has been receiving end of life treatment for nearly six months but is in residential care which relieves a lot of my stress day to day.  My husband was terminal for nearly three years so there is no exact science as to how long your partner's Mum may have I am afraid.

As Annie has said only you can say how long you feel able to cope with how your life is at present. Hopefully you will be able to have a chat with him which makes things clearer for your both.  In the meantime your life has to go on so take care of yourself and chat on the forum anytime.  Jules54

He lives with his parents and is very close to his family which is all well and good but he's not happy with his life and won't be if he keeps pushing me away and I go and he's left with nothing. He says he wants us but all he think about is his mum and what time she's got left, I work in care and I know just because someone is terminal doesn't mean they'll die anytime soon. His family have met me yes numerous times. He says he does miss me but he's got huge tunnel vision right now and only for his family and mum. Which is nice but you can't treat people like that. I've had my fair share of family deaths, cancer with my grandad, my dad died after years of being ill, my mum has primary progressive MS but I still think of him, go to see him, w would leave my life here to go to be with him.

The long distance is making it a hundred times worse. Last time I was with him it was wonderful and I still went round his parents etc with him. I get that he wants to spend as much time as he can with her but terminal doesn't always mean months, as I said I work in care and deal with it daily.

It's making me angry as well coz I am considerate and caring and i do understand and would be there for him through it all, but I've had enough of being pushed aside and waiting and being treated like I don't matter, I want kids as well and I need to not wait another year or so to do that plus I don't want to wait I want real. All I get is we have to be patient and its about his mum now and anything with us has to fit in with that and his work etc 

Hello again Bella.  I can feel the frustration in your post and I can understand that.  Of course you don't know what is happening in his family circle but in your place I would be wondering what is going on between them that nobody comments on your sudden absence from your partner's life.  Does he really expect you to wait for an indefinite period then be ready to pick up the pieces at some indeterminate time in the future?  It is not as though you are trying to stop him caring for his mum, you just want to be there with him and to support him.  It may be the case that he got a sudden attack of guilt for some reason which he feels he can only put right by giving his full attention to his mum.  It doesn't make an enormous amount of sense given his previous closeness with his family (and he has invited you into the family circle to share the closeness in the past).  Family relationships can be a bit strange sometimes but I think you would have mentioned it if you were aware of any pressure that might be being brought to bear on him.  In your place I would be worried as I could imagine he will just gradufally drift away from you but there is nothing you can do.  I am sorry because it is all so unfair and confusing.  Men (and some women) often don't give the real reason for their actions - cowardly I know - but you don't give any hint that he may be that way himself.  When did you last have contact with him?  Actually you don't need to tell me - I was just wondering!

The phrase between a rock and a hard place just comes to mind for you at the moment Bella. Totally get  your frustrations and anger at being 'off-sided'.  To be honest I lived through my hubby's journey and he shut me out for the most part (in his mind he was already preparing me for the worst  I think) but he could not cope with the emotional side so became matter of fact which was incredibly difficult and was what led me to this foru where I could vent without hurting him.

Sadly I feel there are no easy answers for your current situation.Nothing is black and white but a difficult mix of feelings and certainly different ways of dealing with them.  You know your partner best and as he still lives at home perhaps an option would be to drop his Mum a 'thinking of you card' (you may have already done this) and asking her directly if there is anything you can do to help.  This would keep you involved at least.

As you say you know the ins and outs of this type of situation as you work in the care industry and have had your own losses to overcome too.  We all have different ways of coping and if you both want to make your relationship go forward it will obviously take a lot of hard work if it is what you both feel strongly about.  I have found that many men do not necessarily find the' talking it through opportunity' an easy route but it would be a starting point.  If he is not responsive to your calls/contact then you  will have decisions to make for your own wellbeing.  Look after yourself.  Jules