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Partner has shut me out after diagnosis

8 Sep 2019 22:04

Hi,

My partner has only recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. She has chosen to up and leave our home and return to her parents, she just wont talk to me other than to say love you. I want to be with her through it all and come through it together. I feel like I have done something wrong to have her not talk to me about it and block me out. I just want to understand a bit better of how she is feeling and what I should do to be there for her. Any advice would be grateful as I have every emotion going through my head right now, i want to know what is best for me to do to be there for her through this.

Partner has shut me out after diagnosis

10 Sep 2019 20:32 in response to Mg76

Hi Mg76, 

Welcome to the forum although I'm sorry to hear about your partner's diagnosis. 

Being told that you have cancer can lead to have all sorts of thoughts and feelings and it's not unheard of for people to push away those that they're closest too.

We've some information on our website here about cancer and emotions which may be of interest. I'm also going to tag in some of our members @Chriss @Jolamine ‍ and @Marlyn ‍  here who've had breast cancer in the hope that they'll be able to share some of their experiences around diagnosis. I hope you don't mind ladies! Happy 

I'm also going to suggest that you give our team of nurses a call. I'm sure that they will be able to help with information and support. You can call them on 0808 800 4040 (Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm). 

I hope that things settle for you both soon. Just continue to let her know that you're there for her if she needs you and we'll do our best here to help you too. 

Best wishes, 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator

 

Partner has shut me out after diagnosis

10 Sep 2019 21:32 in response to Mg76

Hi there ...

Bless ya ... you don't say your age, but I take it your quite young (ish)  well it's really hard to know , not knowing how she feels .. so I can only guess ..

I think a cancer diagnosis changes us .. and at first all those I know, in the early days are in shock ..  our heads are filled with "what ifs" the word future changes into a question mark ... for the first time we can't make plans for holidays .. celabration... everything in the "future" has gone ... it's really scary .. then the cancer rollercoaster takes over .. we step on the scariest rollercoaster ride and not knowing how or when or if well get off .. that rollercoaster is the tests .. results ... operation... and treatment ... 

Everything changes ... and one of the hardest things is seeing those we love going through it to ... so I'm guessing again .. but she just may need space to get her head around everything .. to get out all those scary feelings she's feeling right now .. and as much as she may love you, most of us want our mum's and dad's like when we were young to "kiss it better" and make it go away ...

So if I were you, I'd give her the space she needs right now ... but I'd write her a letter from your heart .. tell her your not going any where, you'll be there for as long as it takes .. and you'll wait untill she's ready .. but let her know, she only has to call .. if you can support her now, by standing a pace back ... maybe she will open up later, when she's got things sorted .. 

That's what love is sometimes ... standing back but with your arms open .. but please know this does happen a lot ... your not alone .. you can always chat on here ... someone will know how you feel .. 

Hope that helps a tad ... sending a vertual hug... Chrissie x

Partner has shut me out after diagnosis

11 Sep 2019 09:44 in response to Mg76

Hello,

I feel our chriss has replied beautifully, I love the idea of writing a letter ( or email...if that's easier) 

When I was first diagnosed my mind went blank, I didn't know what to to or think. Her going to her parents is a knee **** reaction....she needs you all right now but there's nothing quite like going to your mother when your world falls apart....

Give her space and let her ( and her parents) know your waiting for her....when she feels able.... a cancer diagnosis is mind blowing but things do settle down....you sound like a loving partner....be patient....x

Partner has shut me out after diagnosis

11 Sep 2019 14:33 in response to Chriss

Thank you chrissie your message has really helped me understand my place and how I fit in with helping from afar. I will send her a letter that's a very good idea. I have been sending her messages to say I love her and am here for her but they have not been answered on occasions and that doesn't make me the best person I can be for her through this time. I love her dearly she has been my rock as I lost my mam to lung cancer in may and she was solid for me,she helped me in my darkest days. So I thought i would be doing the same for her. It has raised so many questions in my head but thankfully you and the others on here have helped me understand what my part is and what she most probably is feeling inside right now. She is late 30's and I am early 40's. Thank you again for helping me. Very much appreciated. 

Partner has shut me out after diagnosis

11 Sep 2019 14:36 in response to Marlyn

Thank you marilyn for taking the time to reply to me, I'm very grateful for it and I understand what you are saying and I will be here with open arms and lots of love for her when shes ready x