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Partner has pancreatic cancer and ended our relationship

Amy29
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Hi, I'm here because I'm confused and don't know whoelse toturn to.

My partner and I met online 18 months ago and are in a long distance relationship. In April 2019 he was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer and that's when the problems started. Off and on since then he has chosen to end the realtionship. I have always been supportive and lost my mun through cancer and therefor have empathy for what he's experiencing. We have only been able to meet up a handful of times due to the distance and the breakups. Things had been goin really well since March this year and we were finally starting to make solid plans for the future, as the tumour was shrinking and he was doing very well. Then in April he became ill with the virus and was hospitalised. I supported him throughout this time, but due to the lockdown restrictions was unable to visit him and as his health improved, so did the plans for the future once again. Then last Saturday he had a number of tests prior to his release, which was scheduled for Tuesday, after he saw the doctor who would be telling him about his results.

I heard from him on Tuesday morning and then nothing. I decided to wait until I heard from as he had not been sleeping well from worrying about his results. Then on Wednesday afternoon I rang him, but he did notpick up, so I left a voicemail asking how he was. Later that day he sent mea text saying that the news had not been good and that he has much less time left than he could have imagined and that we couldno longer plan a future as there isn't time and that I must go on without him. Obviously I was upset and tried to ring him and again he did not reply, so I left a short voicemail saying I was so sorry to hear the news and to get in touch once he felt able to. He has not returned my call nor messaged me.

In the past when this has happened I sent a long email, have been supportive, understanding, explaining I am here for him and offered to remain friends if he wants that and eventually he comes back to me.

We are not young. I am 57 and he is 65, both mature enough to understand the challenges life throws at us, we have discussed what lies ahead and have always said we would be there for each other, no matter what happens, or how much time we had. But then he chooses to end the relatioship by text and will not talk to me.

I am finding hard to understand how someone who claims to love me can do this and has done this twice before, when he was faced with bad news regarding his cancer. 

I apologise for the length of the message, I fully appreciate that he will be going through so much and needs to focus on what lies ahead, but I'm just heartbroken that he has cut me out of his life :(

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    What a heartbreaking situation. I am so sorry xxx 

     

    I think...you can only let him know that you are there for him...and then completely back off and leave him to it. 
     

    Some people say men withdraw into caves when stuff is not going to plan (although...I sometimes do this, as a woman...so not sure why this is assigned mostly to men). Anyway - the worst thing to do when someone is in that place (withdrawn into their space to figure something out) is to not allow them

    to be on their own and to not allow them some time out. If you continue to contact a person in this place, this will only push them further away. 
     

    If you have said what you needed to say (I.E I love/care for you, I want to help, I'm here for you) and they're not responding to it....leave them to it xxx you might find he comes out of his cave and tries to establish contact with you soon, as he has done previously xxx
     

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    Hi Amy. 

    Sometimes people with cancer think it makes it easier on the one they love if they just say it's over, rather than drag things out for months or even longer and finish with all the pain and anguish at the end. 

    Hope what I've put makes sense I'm terrible trying to think best way to explain things. 

    Billy 

  • Offline in reply to citygirl111

    Thankyou for your reply. On this occsion I have yet to message him. I was at a loss what to say as I felt I've saidit all before and he knows and therefore I didn't want toput any pressureon him. My voicemail was brief and slightly teary, butI don't even remember what I said now.

    I think I willdoas you have suggested and send a short message saying I care etc and then leave him alone x

     

  • Offline in reply to Billygoatt

    Thanks for your reply Billy, I do understand what you're saying and I guess I'm just hurting, but nowhere near wahthe's feeling. It just helps to get it offyour chest soemtimes x

     

  • Offline in reply to Amy29

    I think that's a good plan...xxx

    Let him know you're there and you care and then leave him to figure this out. 

    Please do come back here for a chat whenever you need. This is a terribly sad situation for you xxx

     

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    Dear friend i can understand where you are coming from and that you are wanting to stand by him and you are supporting him in every way and my heart goes out t you...it might be that he is scared and unknown about everything and does not want you to go through this with him because he cares for you very much and does not want to make you sad  even though you would do anything to comfort him in this dark time..all i can say is he obviously knows how much you cherish him but he does not want to hurt you...just keep doing what your doing by letting him know your there..thats all you can do sweet.xxxsending you all my love.xx

  • Offline in reply to citygirl111

    I sent hima brief message. I apologised for the delay in replying saying that I felt he needed some space and I needed to feel less emotional before I replied. I told him I understand his reasons for doing this and wanted him to know that I still care about him and love him very much and am here if he needs me. I can do no more really x

  • Offline in reply to Bulldogz

    It's just so heartbreaking. I know he has family to support him,but I'd have done anything to help and he knows this. It's been a challenging 18 months, especially trying to work through the challenges of a long distance relationship (both in the UK) as well as the illness and sometimes I feel I'm being a bit selfish thinking not just about him, but myself, by trying to keep something going when he's made it clear he doesn't want that now. 

    I've sent a brief message today, telling him I understand (even though I don't) and that I care about him and am here if he needs me and there's not a lot more I can do

  • Offline in reply to Amy29

    Thats all you can do sweet.xxx youv've done everything.xxx take care hun. Xxxx

  • Offline in reply to Amy29

    I think that was the perfect response, Amy xxx 

    Like Bulldog says...you've done everything now....that's all you can do xxx 
    Another benefit of not continuing to bug him is that he will now be able to feel what it's like to miss you...and so he might well come back once he realises life without you isn't very nice.
    He won't be able to miss you if you're always there....xxx 

    What to do now....? Focus on yourself. Healing. You've been through so much....some space to reflect and recover xxx

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