Hi Butterfly,

A very warm welcome to our community, although I'm sorry for the reason you're here.

It is tragic that you have had to go through all this with your mum. This is the sad thing about a cancer diagnosis. It is not just the patient who suffers, but the entire family.

Most of us on this site are not medically trained. We either have cancer or are caring for someone who has. It is impossible to say just how long your mum has left. Do you have a doctor or nurse popping in to see her from time to time? They are probably best placed to tell you when the end is near. They will usually leave an end of life pack with you to be used near the time.

As you have already discovered, the doctors who are treating her don't really know when the end is likely to be. At best, it is just a 'guesstimate' for them too. We have seen so many people go way longer than their prognosis, whilst others can slip away quite suddenly.

I lost my own mum to secondary breast cancer 21 years ago. She had primary cancer for 12 years before it metastasised in her liver, lungs, brain and bones. I myself have now had 2 bouts of breast cancer in the past 9 years. People who are at the end of life will show certain signs, although these can vary from person to person.

They will usually reduce their food intake, or stop eating altogether, they will do the same with their fluid intake, they will sleep most of the time, Some people can become quite agitated, whilst others remain very peaceful. Pain can increase and pain killers may need to be increased, the patient may have fluid retention, can become doubly incontinent and can drift into a coma. They may have hallucinations and see people in the room who died years before, they may lose their speech or it may be reduced to a whisper. You may notice that the patient becomes breathless. Close to the end you may notice that the limbs start getting colder. In the case of the legs, this starts from the foot and gradually works it's way up the legs.

One of the last senses to remains with us is that of hearing, so even if you think that your mum cannot hear keep talking to her, as she may still hear you.

Having been through this a few times with various close family and friends, I feel for you. This is a hard road that you are on.

I am thinking of you and hoping and praying that you get the strength to see this through.

Please keep in touch. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

thank you so much for your reply it really means a lot , reading what you have wrote I agree it’s hard to put a limit on my mums life, I think i am just angry with the fact the doctors and nurses never answer any of our questions and seem to ignore it in general as they aren’t the one suffering so they don’t know what my mums body is capable of. My mum at the moment has very high potassium levels which therefore means the heart could stop at any time or she could go into a coma, which breaks my heart. 

I am sorry to hear about the battles you have faced and how your mum is no mum is no longer with you, I really am, I can’t imagine how difficult it would of been and still is. 

The things you have listed above are exactly what my mum has/ has gone through and i think I have tried to ignore the fact that my mum is not doing well. At this stage i cannot even come close to imagine what life would be like without her and being so young she will miss out on so much. 

Thank you again for your kind words, I will keep in touch x

Hi Butterfly,

Try not to imagine life without your mum. You will always hold her deep within your heart.

At the moment it is too much to think about the future without her in it. You have enough to deal with in caring for your mum at present. Live in the day and, don't try to look further ahead. Be there for her, talk to her, don't leave anything unsaid. Do you have carers coming in or is the family trying to do everything themselves?

You say that the doctors and nurses never answer your questions. You might find it useful to sit down with your dad and sister and draw up a list of the questions you want answered. You can then go through the list with your mum's doctors and nurses. If they don't answer a particular question, don't be afraid to pin them down. You can do this quite easily by telling them that they haven't answered your question and repeating it. Sometimes we have to fight for our loved ones in cases like this.

You may be only 17, but it sounds as if you are quite realistic about what is happening. It is not unusual to be in denial at this point, but there comes a stage when you cannot ignore the situation any longer and, you have to face up to things. It sounds as if you have reached this stage now. You will find that you have already started grieving when you know that the end is inevitable.

This is such a hard time for all the family. Be strong for your mum, tell her how much you love her. You will certainly miss her when she goes, but I am sure that you wouldn't want to prolong things for her at this stage. Cancer is such a cruel disease. It is no respector of age, creed or colour. It has robbed so many of us of our loved ones, yet it is still relentless.

I still miss my mum after 21 years, but you learn to accept and cope with your loss with the passage of time. There isn't a day that goes by without me thinking of her, but I do all I can to make her proud and, I feel as if she is still watching over us all. I have a photo of her which I keep in a prominent place and I talk to her regularly. I have found this to be of great solace over the years.

I am thinking of you and your family and hope that your mum has a peaceful passing.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

hi Buuterfly

Having been through similar when losing my partnerJayne,im very sorry to hear you are going through such a distressing time at such a young age,i hope you get or had the time to tell your mum you love her and make sure you leave nothing unsaid that you might regret later.Sadly in my case on 23rd jan after a scan we thought everything could be sorted or some sort of treatment may of been possible.but after 2 wks the same scan was said to show the cancer had infested her liver.And nothing could be done,2 days later in the hospice Jayne took her last breath as i watched on holding her hand.

kind regard 

Jayneian

Hi Butterfly

I am so sorry to hear about your Mum, I haven’t been in your position but I am a mum who has just finished treatment for stomach cancer and I have a 16 year old daughter about to do her GCSEs so your post really pulls at my heart. 

I just wanted to say that I will be thinking about you and your Mum and hope that she is made comfortable so you can make nice memories of this precious time. 

Sending hugs to you xx

Hello jayneian 

i am absolutely in bits reading this, I am so sorry and I genuinely mean this. My dad my sister and myself were 24 hour care looking after my mum and believe me I wouldn’t of changed it for the world but it was very difficult. Losing someone that you love is honestly heartbreaking, and I cannot come close to imagine how you feel. Unfortunately my mum passed away on Easter Sunday, she mumbled its time and we all were round her bed holding her hand as we watched her take her last breathes aswell. life is not fair and it makes you question everything possible. My dad has always been so positive throughout the whole journey and his life was my mum, and now he is completely devastated, I’ve never seen him like this but i am so sorry for the loss of your partner. I just hope time is a healer for you and you can one day smile when thinking of her x

Hello

thank you. I am sorry to hear that you have been diagnosed with cancer, but all my fingers and toes are crossed for you that the treatment you received has worked. I hope your daughter does better then me at my exams! It really means a lot for your kind words. as they say times a healer and im hoping that there right x

thank you butterfly01 your words are much appreciated.im having bereavement counselling and not really coping with the loss of Jayne,id imagined being with Jayne for the rest of my life.now im lost and missing her more every day.not really looking forward to the future.

i hope you can treasure the memories you had with your mum and family,please try help your dad and sister  ,they are  going need your support big time,i just hope they  also support you as your going need it to.maybe you will all get through this together.ive a slight idea how your dad will be feeling and if anything like me he will be very emotional most of the time,i was told Sunday when i went to the service for those who passed away in the hospice in February ,that there is no time frame for grief,you will all act differently and it could be at different times that you each come to terms with the way things are,it could be months and months but hopefully you will be there for each other and accept that you wont all be going at the same pace,good luck butterfly01 

Hi Butterfly,

I am so sorry to hear that your mum has finally succumbed to the inevitable. My sincere sympathy to you and your family.

I don't know how I missed your post, possibly because we had a bereavement ourselves at around that time. I hope that she passed peacefully. It was good that you were all there with her at the end.

How are you all coping now? One thing I found very helpful at this stage was to have a photo of my mum in a prominent place. When I was down, I spoke to her picture and although I don't do it so often these days, I still do at times. This has been of great solace to me throughout the past 22 years.

I hope that you can talk about your mum with your dad and your sister. It is so much better for all of you if you can. Is your sister older or younger than you?

I am thinking of you all and am here for you anytime you want to talk.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx