I am going to apologise in advance as i feel that there are people in this group who are coping with so much and I know this is just going to sound so selfish and a bit pathetic but i am really struggling and i havent ever tried to address the feelings i have and feel like i need some advice.

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer about 9 years ago.  she reciecved treatment and she is more amazing now than she ever was and fighting fit and healthy.  I cant explain how often i think about... almost wait for it to come back. Its like i cant ever imagine her being safe ever again.

This time last year my best friend lost her mother to pancreatic cancer.  from diagnosis to her passing away was less than a year.  She was a muslim convert and opted for a muslin ceremony which means she must be laid to rest the same day she passes.  I saw her the day she had died and saw how gaunt and unrecognisable she was.  she had 4 daughters and a son. her son is just 13 now. It was traumatic and completely overwhelming.  I went the whole day being "the bloke" of the house and registered the death with her, tried to hold it together, helped list her into her grave - it was the most beautiful ceremony but instead of feeling peace all this time after, i still cry about it. I feel anger. I remember it all the time.

I discovered about 3 months ago my ex boss who was very good to me through troubling times has a very developed form of skin cancer. When he told me i was raging. I felt a rush of adrenaline - i felt terrified and out of control that something is going on and somehow this is some sort of game the world is playing with me.

I have felt totally lost - particularly in the last 2 years.

I have an immense fear that everything will end in a catastrophic way and i am always in fear of when. I cant explain it. I dont sleep properly, i feel terrified, i feel angry and everything like my work and my relationships seem to totally pointless.

What the hell is happening to me?

I have both parents alive and have had a great upbringing and my parents are my friends and i have no reason to complain.

I just feel totally destroyed and i cannot shake off the fear. 

I desperately wanted to help. I feel so desperate to help. There is nothing i can do and that is why i feel so angry.  I am up until early hours often trying to look into other therapies to try and looking at ways to get onto new drug trials because i cannot allow simon my old boss to die.

my whole life is being controled by these thoughts and i am either on the verge of tears all the time or i am angry and am isolating myself from people.

I just cannot believe that this is normal? is this normal? Its just unbearable and i have started to feel so messed up i want to just dissapear. I am just making this all about me it seems like - I am only making everyone elses problems even more difficult. i promise if i could not feel like this or give me head a wobble i would. I feel like i am totally controlled by the feelings and thoughts i have - i just cant stop going back to the day that my friends mother died. the day that i discovered simon had cancer. the day my mother told me she had cancer. i feel like ive just found out today and they have all happened on the same day. my tummy is churning and i type this. what is happening?  tears as i type. please help me someone. No idea how to move in a positive direction.