I've been operating on autopilot since my Sam died. Let me tell you! Although it's a 'safe' place to be straight after the trauma, you don't want to stay there. The  sleepless nights and the physically taxing days are extremely tiring! You don't realize it immediately, but when you sit down to take a breather. Then the thoughts of guilt flow. Maybe I should've said this or done that and this leads to mental fatigue. Adding to the physical fatigue. A recipe for disaster. So I decided to allow myself to cry for short moments throughout the day and night. There's a time and place for everything. At first I felt guilty about not crying all the time, but I kept telling myself that Sam would be disappointed if I broke down into a sad sack and not continued to be strong. After all, I promised him that I'd be okay on his deathbed.

Slowly but surely the clouds in my head start dissipating and the harsh reality of living without Sam comes to the fore.

I haven't made any changes to our normal routine and this helps a lot. Get up, have coffee and cookies like we always did, feed mysterious the chickens, feed the dogs, have a decent breakfast, do household chores and blah dee blah. You know.

I am an avid gardener and Sam bought me two lawnmowers during our 19 years together. So, it broke my heart that my last one finally gave up the ghost during Sam's hospitalization. I wanted the garden to look perfect for when he came home. :'-(

Well, my darling sister gifted me with a new one yesterday! So, I'm out there mowing like crazy this morning. Perfect time to cry out loud and the neighbours can't hear me. Lol.

I cry when I see his car just standing there. I can't bring myself to drive her yet so all I am able to manage (barely) is to start her to keep her engine turning.

Anyway, that's my tea break over with. Chat again soon.

Berney loves Sam