My 56 yr old husband was diagnosed with a broken neck ( after 3months of visits to doctors, A&E and occupational health specialist at work) and myeloma cancer on the same day in May 2017.
Since then he has undergone 8 months of chemotherapy, a full stem cell replacement and the horrible symptoms and illnesses resulting from both treatments.
He has had another year off work coping with his body accepting the stem cell replacement then gaining his strength back in the hope that Myeloma hadnt returned.
Earlier this year he picked up an infection, due to his immune system being at an all time low, then was admitted to hospital with influenza, malnutrition, sepsis and acute kidney failure. He was kept in isolation and very close to losing his life.
He was eventually treated with an anti biotic which began to help him and his kidney function began to recover He was discharged from hospital in March this year and continues to have his kidneys monitored along with bone cancer density cancer treatment.
Upon his discharge his skin became badly infected to the point it was literally dropping off with sores on every part of his body. He was in a desparate state trying a multitude of creams, lotions and potions, whilst drinking litres of water to help his kidney function.
He was unable to sleep and although I think he had become anxious and dilerious, he says his behaviour around Easter time was rational and intended.
Throughout the whole of my husbands illness I have been devoted to his care, ensuring he had the correct diet, medecine, environement at home, diarised and attended every hospital or doctors appointment with him, continued to work and sorted our our finances including claiming BUPA payments and helping him apply for a critical illness payout, which nearly paid off our mortgage, all apart from a small amount to live off when I wasnt being paid when taking time off to care for my husband. Unfortunately I had been diagnosed with chronic fatigue symdrome in 2015 and struggled to stay well whilst working and taking care of my husband, I changed my working pattern and had 4 months off to take care of my husband, 2 months paid and 2 months unpaid. I was threatened with redundancy in 2017, due to a restructure, but luckily retained my job, only to be sent home in June last year because my performance and ill health was more apparent than I had thought. I finally had to resign in January this year, with the support of my husband, but had worked full time in a senior banking role for most of our relationship and marriage.
Easter 2019
After over 2 years of suffering from such a bad illness, continous admissions to hospital, not being able to work and finally having problems with his skin and therefore his sleep, my husband decided that I, his wife, had not looked after his money, nor had ever done over the previous 16 years together. He contacted his stepchildren (2 of my children), behind my back telling them I had stolen his money and he was going to throw me out of the house, the day after he had met with them..
He paid my son and my youngest daughter's boyfriend £50 each for 'thier time' and declined to accompany me on an evening out to watch my son (his stepson) singing at a local event. This was only the 2nd time I had been out this year and I was really excited but my husband said he wasnt able to attend as he wasnt yet used to being in crowds. I accepted that but later that night when he didnt come home I realised there was something wrong. He had gone to stay with a close friend and arranged to have my son come to our home the following morning and examine our finances to find out if his suspicions were true.
I attended my sons gig, not knwoing what had occured over the day before and that morning and that my husband was planning to throw me out of our home. My children ( his 3 stepchildren) were desparately upset and unable to let me know that day, not knowing why or where my husbands suspicions and behaviour had come from.
On the morning after my husband returned early but he advised me that he had arranged for my son to come to our house to check our finances. This was the first I had ever heard of my husbands worries or behaviour.
I am a retired bank manager, have counselled customers with money worries, brought up 3 childrem alone for 10 years before meeting my husband and managed our finances all the way through our relationship including my husbands illness and my absence from work. To my husbands surprise, but not my sons, every penny was accounted and there wasnt any money missing but my husband was surprised to see that I had in fact saved up for xmas, birthdays and insurance policies for washing machines etc. He said that money should be spentnot saved for other people.
My son was very upset, in tears, but worried what might happen and asked me to just do what my husband said to ensure he didnt threaten to throw me out again. Since then I have had to had to leave any money in an account, where he can see it and only dip in when I need to buy food etc, producing a written statement of where every pound has gone at the end of the month.
Other than me transferring as many direct debits as I can afford to now being taken from my small monthly pension, we now live from my husbnads wage having a very small mortgage and sufficient money to even save.
His behaviour after that morning continued to be very unusual, ringing one daughter and my son, ever hour asking them to come and take care or me, telling them I didnt know what I was doing and that I had robbed him of all of his money and he wanted it all back. He then made a point of deleting lots of people from his facebook and telephone accounts, incluidng my eldest daughter from all contact. He says this is because she had 'told him lies' when dicussing her exboyfriend, who was shall we say undesirable, bwith him over the past couple of years, then returning to him numerous times as she was having his baby. Now 4 months on he hasnt spoken to my eldest daughter, seen our new grandaughter, welcomed the youngest daughter, her family or my son and his wife, to our home. He has allowed the eldest grandaughter to sleep over on two occasions as she's 'his favourite'.
I have to continue supplying him with evidence of where I spend the money he allows me for housekeeping whilst he takes hundreds of ounds for 'whatever he wants' even though our future is hanging in the balance regarding his emplyment situation.
I have been medically assessed and granted ESA for the forseeable future due to lesions on my brain and oher complications.
His employment is now up in the air as hes still not well enough to return in person but officially returned last month when his SSP ran out and his employer is searching for other options to accommodate his current symptoms. He did drive long distances to work but relaises he is unable to do that now.
He isnt making amy effort to secure another future or see what financial help is available to him or interested in moving his life forward at all. He still has his company car and at present is being paid in full but for how long I dont know.
I am beside myself caring and still loving a husband who has been to hell and back but our relationship is one of a civil and platonic existence where I am unable to bring up the subject of any family member or our future. Im trying to keep home together, cook his meals, garden and keep as busy as my illness allows, but can I assume his behaviour was as a direct results of him having had cancer, the possibility that one day it may return, his life turning upside down and him losing part of his identity, as his work was his life, working away for over 13 years of our relationship.
Can this be explained ?
I have no idea what to do, it feels like I'm losing my family now and my husband no longer trusts or wants me., can I rely on him to not plan my eviction once again?
SORRY THIS IS SO LONG, I'VE NOWHERELSE TO TURN, CANCER IS SO CRUEL, OR IS IT?
