Together we will beat cancer


Not sure how to cope

16 Oct 2021 13:59


my husband passed away on 21st sept after a long hard battle with cancer. He managed to get to our daughter’s wedding on the 17th sept although it was a struggle. When we got home the next day I had to phone the nurses and they got a bed for him downstairs and he peacefully slipped away over the next 3 days. I’m sure he knew what was happening to him and just sheer determination got to see our daughter get married. I’ve been ok I think getting on with sorting things and had his funeral on Tuesday which was a lovely service and we collected £640 in donations which we have split between Macmillan and Marie curie. Since then I have found it harder, I can be just watching the telly or doing something when it suddenly hits me that he’s gone and I start thinking about everything he went through. I feel like crying but don’t want to so distract myself by concentrating on the telly again or go and do something. Am I right in doing this or should I be giving into my tears. It’s been such an emotional few weeks and the conflicting emotions of having such a happy day at the wedding followed by the following traumatic few days are proving very difficult to process.



Not sure how to cope

18 Oct 2021 15:18 in response to Ladybaba

Hi Ladybaba,

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. I can only imagine how incredibly difficult this must be, and it sounds like there have been a lot of emotions to deal with over recent weeks. It's good to hear that the wedding was a happy day and that he could be there for it, although I understand what you say about the conflicting emotions.

There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief, and everyone's experience of grief is different. However I would say that there is no need to fight the tears - sometimes it's best to let the emotions play out. There's no need to bottle anything up, although I know that sometimes these emotions can feel overwhelming. It may be more difficult in a way to give in to the emotions, but longer-term it may help to do this in terms of processing things.

Others may have a different view, and like I say everyone is different. Either way, hopefully you have others around you to speak to for support. We are of course always here on the forum too if you need it, and I'm sure there'll be others here with similar experience.

If ever you feel you'd like additional support or to speak to someone more neutral, have a look at Cruse, who have various resources and a helpline also.

Wishing you all the best,

Cancer Chat Moderator

Not sure how to cope

18 Oct 2021 15:45 in response to Moderator Ben

Thanks for replying @Moderator Ben ‍ I know bottling things up is not good for you but you are right what you say in that giving in to it is overwhelming and I feel like I don’t want to give in to them but maybe i’ll give letting the tears flow a go next time it hits me instead of fighting them off x

Not sure how to cope

18 Oct 2021 22:33 in response to Ladybaba

Let them flow     you'll be stronger for it


Not sure how to cope

18 Oct 2021 23:31 in response to Snoopy6691

Thanks for the reply @Snoopy6691 ‍ i know you are right but really struggling to let go. I keep fighting the tears back

Not sure how to cope

18 Oct 2021 23:43 in response to Ladybaba

Me too,  hubby died on Thursday

Now funeral 4th November so our daughter has 2 weeks to have our 2nd grandchild.   He had hoped to be here for the event, but wasn't to be.   



Not sure how to cope

19 Oct 2021 10:11 in response to Snoopy6691

So sorry for your loss and so sad he didn’t get to see his grandchild. Hope he/she arrives soon. Makes me grateful that my husband managed to get to our daughter’s wedding a few days before he died. We waited 3 weeks for the funeral too seemed such a long time. Once everything was arranged felt in limbo not wanting to do anything. Hope all goes well x

Not sure how to cope

19 Oct 2021 10:14 in response to Ladybaba

Son helping fill in paperwork today

Just don't want to do it.  At 55 I shouldn't be doing this    wasn't in our plan and we planned Everything being IT project people thru and thru!

Not sure how to cope

19 Oct 2021 11:54 in response to Snoopy6691

Yes that’s so hard to deal with. Future just ripped from you. My husband was 70 ten years older than me. He only had a few months of retirement before cancer struck. I gave up work in June 2019 to spend time with him and enjoy some retirement together. But with his illness getting worse and the covid pandemic it didn’t happen. Family are a great help and friends too. Take their support x

Not sure how to cope

19 Oct 2021 17:44 in response to Ladybaba

You too xx

Not sure how to cope

21 Oct 2021 21:18 in response to Snoopy6691


I'm so very sorry to hear about your husband. I've just lost my beautiful sister (who was 49) only last week to this truly devastating illness, four years after the same cancer took away our mother.

It all just feels too much to deal with doesn't it?

My sister's funeral is also on the 4th. Thoughts with you and your family on this day also.

Always here to talk xx

Not sure how to cope

21 Oct 2021 22:07 in response to Hatty_85

Thank you Hatty

It's just the hardest time, and your sister was So young!

Lots of friends and family around, but just want some quiet time now. Need to get all the official stuff sorted  and write a eulogy- I feel he went thru so much this last 18 months, I can do a eulogy!

Here also my friend x