I don't really know where to start, other than to say I'm completely and utterly feeling alone and lost. I am a first time mum, my beautiful little boy is 20 weeks old today, I got engaged 3 weeks ago, but none of this matters as I lost my mum, my soul mate 8 weeks ago. I cannot remember a time when my mum hadn't been ill or in pain in some shape or form, she had a very unfair life with constant let downs and mis diagnosis time and time again, until it was too late. My mum had only turned 58 on 4th January and she passed away on 26th January 2019 after a very long and horrific battle with cancer.
I'm an only child and was my mum's carer for years. In July 2010 she had a bleed on the brain completely at random and it left her using a walking stick and other neuropathic symptoms such as confusion, memory loss etc. On my birthday in November 2010, my mum was diagnosed with lung cancer. They operated and took 1/3 of her lung away, although didn't offer any follow up treatment such as chemotherapy or radtiotherapy, we were thrown out into the world with no cancer support and she was seen every 6 months for 2 years then it was once a year. In Feb 2016, mum and I went on our first ever girly holiday to celebrate her being 6 years in remission, little did we know that it was a premature celebration. In Oct mum took pnemonia and was rushed into hospital as she was spitting up blood and unable to breathe properly. On my 27th birthday, she was diagnosed with stage 2/3 breast cancer. Again, it came as a massive shock. It was only diagnosed because the hospital had done a scan of her chest regarding the pnemonia and it picked up the lymph nodes and tumour in her breast. Mum had the cancer removed from her breast, a half masectomy and the lymph nodes removed from underneath her arm. She was offered chemotherapy and we were assured that with the type of cancer mum had, it was a slow grower, that with surgery and chemo, she would 90% make a full recovery.We were so afraid but thankful the cancer had been found (it wasn't from the lung, it was a different type of cancer).
On the day we went to get mum's chemotherapy schedule, a dr was feeling around mums collar bone and I'll never forget her face, before she even opened her mouth my mum said "my lung cancers back isn't it?" The dr had found a large lump in her collar bone and our whole world completely stopped again. I will never forget the constant fear in my beautiful mum's eyes. We were told chemotherapy was off the table and that the lung took precident over everything. We were again left alone, with no information for over 2 months. The amount of phonecalls I made to the hospital, to the GP, to cancer helplines, begging for answers. I was constantly trying to be positive to mum. I promised her that I wouldn't cry infront of her with regards to her health, as we needed to fight this together and that she would never be alone. After 2 months of being in limbo, we finally got an appointment. In this appointment we got told that mum only had 14 months to live, after being told 2 months before that she had a 90% chance of survival. She was given radiotherapy to help ease her symtoms.
Even then, I promised my mum that together we would fight the cancer. I took over 7 months off work, worked alongside her district nurses, I looked after all of mum's medication. My mum lived alone, so I was with her every day, ensuring she was comfortable. About 6 months after mum's terminal diagnosis, a lump appeared in her right atm. The district nurses and GP fobbed it off as a cyst. Mum was expericing severe pain in the area. My mum was an amazing artist, she took to painting after the deaths of her twin brother and her mum. Her art was a way of releasing stress, of focusing on something beautiful. Within 2 months of feeling the initial lump and being fobbed off, it ended up being a massive tumour which would hemorrage each day and would end up stopping her from having the use of her arm to paint.
